Richey Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 January 2005, Shucksville, West Virginia The screen door rattled like an angry hive of bees as Hank Spankem barged through it on his way to work. His wife, Mary-Bob threw the cat after him but only managed to hurl it a foot or so. Hank turned around and glared at her. “Be outta here afore I git home!†Mary-Bob sat on the porch and sobbed. “Hanky, ah don’t wanna go to Washington. Ah don’t know why you want to coach soccer. It’s a game for girls!†Hank chewed hard, and spat out a hunk of dribbly tobacco onto the floor. “Git your hairy ass outta here afore sundown Mary-Bob, there’s no money in college basketball. Ah’ve tekken the job and ain’t no-one can stop me.†Mary-Bob cried into the rickety floor, her tears dribbling through the cracks. “If you ain’t gonna leave, ah suggest you git packin’. We leave at the weekend. Tell Billy-Louise to round up the piggies. We’s movin’ and that’s that.†Hank barged open the gate and waddled out. His 18 stone, 6’4†frame stomped away as he began his walk to Appalachia State College Hillbilly Campus. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 January 2005, Shucksville, West Virginia The screen door rattled like an angry hive of bees as Hank Spankem barged through it on his way to work. His wife, Mary-Bob threw the cat after him but only managed to hurl it a foot or so. Hank turned around and glared at her. “Be outta here afore I git home!†Mary-Bob sat on the porch and sobbed. “Hanky, ah don’t wanna go to Washington. Ah don’t know why you want to coach soccer. It’s a game for girls!†Hank chewed hard, and spat out a hunk of dribbly tobacco onto the floor. “Git your hairy ass outta here afore sundown Mary-Bob, there’s no money in college basketball. Ah’ve tekken the job and ain’t no-one can stop me.†Mary-Bob cried into the rickety floor, her tears dribbling through the cracks. “If you ain’t gonna leave, ah suggest you git packin’. We leave at the weekend. Tell Billy-Louise to round up the piggies. We’s movin’ and that’s that.†Hank barged open the gate and waddled out. His 18 stone, 6’4†frame stomped away as he began his walk to Appalachia State College Hillbilly Campus. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 Hank Spankem profile Hank was born in 1950 in Redneck County, Kentucky to a Horse Whisperer and a Horse Fondler. He left home at 3 to seek his fortune, but returned shortly afterwards for dinner. His adult life led him to the field of College Basketball coaching. He coached the Appalachia State Chipmunks to 4 succesive last place finishes, but won the award for most shouty coach 9 years running, for his yelling and hollering. Hank was an abrasive sort of man, always ready with an opinion, but the money had run out. DC United, playing in the MLS had just won the title, despite finishing only 3rd in the Eastern Conference. The manager had been sacked for not being vocal enough, and Hank, the most shouty man in the East had been offered the position. He knew nothing about Soccer, and would be provided with an array of coaches. He was to instill a sense of fire in the bellies of the players. Hank didn't wear standard hick regalia, instead preferring to wear a diamond encrusted stetson, a white suit encrusted with cubic zirconium and shiny plastic and velvet cowboy boots. He always carried a cigar in his top pocket which he used to poke people with. His face was fat, round and sunburnt. His teeth were white and his hands always dirty. He defied the redneck stereotype as he had no neck in the first place, his head seemingly perched atop his rotund body. He lived with his wife in a large-ish shack. Mary-Bob was 48 and smelled of raw chicken. Their son, Billy-Louise hadn't been seen for 4 years but was believed to have married a pig and was living in a barn at the end of the garden. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 Later that evening Hank sat himself down on the couch, reached for a chicken and bit into it. The chicken squawked in agony. He turned around in his chair and hollered, "Mary-Bob, this chicky ain't cooked!" She came storming out of the kitchen. "That's cos ah aint cooked no chicken Hank, ah've made fritters, and they're on the table." Hank muttered under his breath and waddled over to the table, flicked on the T.V and watched the report on the local news on the Appalachia State Chipmunks 187-3 loss to Penn State in the basketball. Still, at least he had a new life lined up in soccerball, or soccer or whatever it was called. It was quite popular somewhere called Europe. Hank looked at his map. He couldn't see Europe anywhere in the continental United States. "Probably near goddamn Mexico" he muttered, taking another bite out of the frightened chicken. "God damn Mary-Bob, why am ah eatin' this confounded chicken?" "'Cos you're a good-for-nothin' sonofa..." Hank cut her off with a wave and focused on the television and the weather in Washington. It was sure gonna be an adventure. He was all packed up and ready to go. Mary-Bob, for all her complaining had packed her 3 best shoes, the ones that had the least holes in them. Somewhere under that grotty facade she was happy, and as for Billy-Louise he couldn't give two hoots... he'd probably show up soon wanting money. Hank lay back in his chair, and with a contented sigh, spat a huge wodge of tobacco out of his mouth and watched it soar into the kitchen. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
WLKRAS Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 \o/ Great start Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
chesterfan2 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Hilarious stuff so far. Truly worthy of the FM Stories highest accolade....KUTGW. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 The weekend, at the start of February As per Hank's contract with DC United, there was no limousine pickup to ferry himself and his family to the bright lights of Washington. He had personally insisted on a battered old Ford pickup, driven by a man who wished to be known as "Gramps". Hank sat in the back trailer, spitting tobacco at anyone who looked Canadian, while his wife sat up front having an intimate discussion with Gramps. Billy-Louise was around somewhere, but Hank hadn't been paying attention. The battered old pickup dropped them off at DC United's stadium, where they were greeted by the board of directors. "Good Morning Mr and Mrs Spankem", a man named Brad intimated. "If you'd like to come up to finalise the contract deal, that would be a-ok." His thumbs went up and he grinned. Hank's eyes narrowed. "Are you one of them Mexicans?". He asked, cigar prodding at Brad. "No..." replied Brad, "I'm Iowa born and bred." Brad's day peaked there and then as he recieved a face full of sodden tobacco. Later that afternoon... Hank sat at the table facing the press. Brad had cleaned up and was a suitable distance away. The captain of DC United Alecko Eskandarian in turn sat beside him. A lot of men with perfect smiles sat the other side of Hank, who was drumming his dirty fingers on the table, chewing noisily. Brad stood up, delived some waffle and announced Hank as the new manager of DC United. He explained the lack of a soccer background, but re-inforced the point about getting the players more fired up. There was light applause. A petite reporter from Reuters stood up and asked what Hank knew about soccerball. "Are you Canadian or Mexican?" Hank leered. She nodded in the negative. "Good... cos ah ain't talkin to none of them." He spat tobacco into a new personalised spitoon. He continued... "What I know about ballsoccer... soccer... ball ball whatever the hell it's called is irrelevant." He eyeballed the crowd. "All ah know is that ah'm gonna git y'all a winning team the Spankem way." He paused. "Ah'm the greatest Basketball coach there ever was y'all hear me? It ain't all that different. You gotta get a ball into a net. How hard can it be? I ain't no redneck... ah know y'all think ah'm a good for nothin sonofa... but ah'll prove y'all wrong, y'all hear me you lily livered buncha good fer nuthin cowpokes." He stood up and put on his jacket. His 6'4" frame marched out of the room, leaving a room full of very confused reporters, and a more confused board of directors, wondering what in hell they had let themselves in for. Hank marched out of the building, hopped in the back of the pickup, growled at Gramps to take him to the training ground. He was going to assess his new group of proteges, and assess them good. He was going to educate them the Spankem way. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terk Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Excellent start, Richey Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Thanks guys, I'm going for Best Redneck Story at next years FMS awards Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 DC United Training Ground, somewhere in Maryland "Hank, you don't love me no more!" Shuddup ya stanky ol' witch, ah'm trying to lookee here at these guys..." Goalkeepers Troy Perkins - Looks alright I guess. Wouldn't make it as a Basketball player ah'm tellin' ya. Nick Rimando - Wants to leave, lily livered sonofagun. Doug Warren - Ah'm told by ma coaches this here's the number one. Sure as hell looks awful small if y'all ask me. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Defence Anthony Vanden Borre - Ah'm told he's a star. He's from Belgianland wherever the hell that is. Ah don't care just as long as he ain't Mexican. Scot Thompson - Don't like him. He got awful funny teeth. Cosmin Iosif Moti - Some kid from Roman-land-ania. Don't look like no Roman. HE don't wear body armour for a start. Brandon Owens - Our number one draft pick. Looks kinda small. Mike Petke - Lookee here. He got funny teeth too. Ah'm told he's good. David Stokes - Ah don't like him. Looks like a Commie. Brian Carrol - Ah like this young man. Tells me his daddy gone fought in 'Nam. Frank Sanfilippo - Says he int Mexican but ah don't believe him. C.J. Klass - Ah like a guy with initials. Very American. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Midfield Adam Frye - Ah don't like him. Looks like one of them Demmycrats. Justin Moose - Draft pick. Looks like he knows soccerball but what do ah know? Ben Olsen - He sure looks like he can run like the wind. He's gonna be ma quarterback. Cristian Lucian Cigan - He's only 17, one of them Romans. He don't got no helmet either. Joshua Gros - he got a Franceland soundin' name. Ah don't like Franceland but at least he ain't one of them Alaskans. Dani - He looks good. He says he's from Portugal but ah aint a clue. Ah think its in Missouri near mah Uncle Eddie-Diane. Freddy Adu - Only a kid. Movin' ter Spain tomorrow. Aint much point writin' no report. Eliseo Quintarilla - Swears he int no Mexican but got mah eye on him. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Attack Alessio Cerci - Don't know why he's here. He looks far too good. Santino Quaranta - Says he int Mexican too. Sure looks tasty though, like Ranch cheese fries. Chris Carrieri - Draft pick. All American Republican boy. Yee Ha. Alecko Eskandarian - He got a Commie name. Ah don't trust him. Ah reckon he done got nucular weapons pointin' at us all. Alan Gordon - He got a Demmycrat face. Also his momma look fat. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Hank jabbed his cigar into the chest of Freddy Adu. "Now son, ah know you wanna go to Spain. Ah know ah can't register y'all in mah roster as yer too damn young!" Freddy stood there impassively. "Mah assistant Randy here, tells me I gotta let you go. No sense havin' men who don't wanna be here. It's like in 'Nam with them goddamn hippies runnin' amok. I want you off mah property, out of mah team, and get yer good fer nuthin backside off ter Spain, wherever the hell that is." Freddy nodded, and turned away. He was signing for Real Madrid so he couldn't give one jot for Hank Spankem. "And by the way..." Hank hollered after him, "Watch out for them Mexicans!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
nerf Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 This is fantastic KUTGW I int no mexican neither. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
mavericktango Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Do you sell Propane by any chance? Make 'em all into REAL men Hank Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Gosh darn it fellas, it sure is nice to have y'all aboard Hank's gonna spank 'em all into shape... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Hank's Training Ground Office. Cigar ensconced firmly between his lips, Hank looked at the round up of his players. "Ah aint never seen a bigger bunch of girls in mah whole life, not even when ah was judging the Miss Alabama 1978 spectacular" Randy Doorstop, his young personal assistant sat opposite him, trying to keep up with the incoherent drawl. "Darn tootin' Mr Spankem, theys all a buncha cowpokes aint they?" he ventured. "Ah didn't ask fer yer opinion kid... now git..." and he jabbed towards the open door with his unlit 3 foot cigar. He sank back and jotted down on a piece of paper that although he knew nothing about soccerball USA, something needed to be done about the motley crew outside. This moment called for tact, excellent man-managing skills and acute personal awareness, coupled with an extensive knowledge of the sporting and fitness routines of the modern professional athlete. Hank was not the man to deliver these qualities. "A goddamn bunch of Commies, Demmycrats, Mexicans and goddamn girls, goddamn it..." he roared. "They aint havin' no rest from now on, ah'm gonna git them in for training every goddamn day... ah don't care if they collapse... ah don't care if they can't walk. They're gonna goddamn work their asses off, or my name aint Hank Spankem, 3 times winner of the Shouty Award." He whipped a Colt .45 automatic out of his holster, spun it with his pudgy fingers and went to shoot anyone who disagreed... or was Canadian, Mexican or so on. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Home, that evening. "Hey ma, have you seen mah underpants?" Billy-Louise was home. Hank buttoned up his fly and removed his hand from his groinal area. His goddamn son always showed up in the middle of the domestic appliance megabucks giveaway on the home shopping channel. Mary-Bob sat down next to him on the settee. "It's in the kitchen, sunshine!" she yelled. Hank grimaced and said nothing. "Ah hope yer sure pleased wit yerself Hank. He's right miserable now his marriage aint legal in this state. It aint fair on the piggy neither. They was in love, ya hear me Hank? Ya hear me?" Hank spat out tobacco into a new silver spittoon and turned to face her. "Ah hear you sweet-pea. Ah hear ya. Right now ah'm concentratin' on this here shopping channel." Mary-Bob started to sob. "Gee Mary-Bob, quit yer whinin'. Y'all beginnin' to really grate on mah nerves. Ah always knew ah shoulda married Ellen-Roger from High School..." "But she was mute Hank... and she was blind..." "Yeah... exactly... now quit yer hollerin' and go fix me some pie." She got up and ran off, crying hysterically. Hank sighed and put his hands inside his trousers again. "Ah... now there aint nothin' better on this green earth than watchin' good ol' lawnmowers... so cheap and all..." He fell asleep in his chair. Happy with the way things were going. In the morning, he decided, he was going to get his backside off to training, and Hank was gonna start some serious spankin'. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by nerf: This is fantastic KUTGW I int no mexican neither. </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Nice to hear you int no mexican. Hank'd sign you up fer sure... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
attjen Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 "It's funny, because it's true." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Simply brilliant Richey, I'm almost tempted to apply for Mexican citizenship just to see the reaction Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 Brief Musical Interlude Hanks first game was on the 2nd April against New England in the League, so he had a month or so to get his knowledge up to scratch, and watch the players train. There was also the small matter of the North American Champions Cup to contend with, having freakishly won the MLS the previous season. Hank was not in charge of the squad, the Assistant Manager being put in charge. Taupo, of some random South American country were spanked 6-0 on aggregate as Hank fell asleep in the stands, and subsequently refused to go to the second leg away because leaving the United States was an "Un-natural sin, plus there might be Mexicans." The Quarter Final draw comprised of 4 U.S. Teams and 4 Mexican teams, and guess what? DC United were drawn against the mighty Cruz Azul. The first leg took part in Mexico, with Hank choosing to stay behind, apoplectic with rage at Mexico in general. DC lost 3-1 with Dani netting a consolation. On their arrival home Hank did his shouty stuff. "Yer all a buncha lily livered no good down dirty skunks. Y'all don't deserve nuthin'" The second leg Hank attended, marshalled by state troopers, who confiscated his Colt .45 3 minutes in when he started to take pot-shots at opposing fans while hollering' "Yee-Ha" at the top of his voice. DC won 2-1 with goals from Stokes and Gros, but exited, along with all the other U.S teams. The post match interview with Hank demonstrated a man consumed with rage as he learnt no American teams had qualified for the semi-finals, which was an all Mexican affair. In the end he had to be restrained from attacking the opposition team, the interviewer and a small pot plant with a suspicious looking branch. Slightly irrelevant to the story it may be, but 3 weeks later Hank was issued a restraining order, barring him being within 3 light years of Mexico. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 April 1st Hank was enjoying a late afternoon slob on the hammock outside his house. The hammock was on the floor as he had no trees to tie it to, but he didn't notice too much. Simple country folk like him had no use for comfort. "Mary-Bob" he yelled, "Get yer lazy-ass butt outta there and help me git up, I gotta go pee." He waited but she didn't come. "Goddamn ladies, whats a boy like me gotta do ter get rid of mah excess fluids round here..." he muttered, while flailing around for something to hoist himself up. There was nothing. He started to roll sideways towards the house. The thought disgusted him. Only Commies and Demmycrats rolled sideways. He was an All-American boy and no sirree bob, this was a disgrace. Mary-Bob'd be sleepin' with the Dog tonight. At that instant, the woman in question came running out of the house, eyes red and holding in her left hand a white stick. "Hank...Hank, ah'm pregnant agin, You gone an' knocked me up. Ah said ah didn't want no more babies, not after we lost the other 6..." "Hell woman, that weren't mah fault, how was ah to know they'd all be funny lookin'. They all looked like Jimmy-Jo the postmaster... and ah aint knocked yer up woman. Ah aint been near ya fer weeks..." "No Hank... Ah'm 3 months gone, we musta bin drunk, and Jimmy-Jo int talkin' to me no more, not after you shot his wife." "Well she had some awful funny smell about her Mary-Bob, an' she looked at me funny. Guys gotta do whata guys gotta do" There was a pause. "C'mere Mary-Bob, ah love yew. You got the morals of a Brooklyn hooker but ah lurve yew anyhow. Lets keep this one, ah don't think Jimmy-Jo wants any more..." "Awww Hank darlin' yer an angel. Yer always drinkin' shootin' swearin' spittin' and screwin', but ah'll always be yer Mary-Bob" Hank, still lying prostrate on the ground looked up at her earnestly. "Darlin' ah need a hand up... ah just gone done a pee in mah pants" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 April 2nd DC United v New England A sell out crowd showed up for the first full game under Hank. Resplendent in an aquamarine diamante studded suit, he prowled the touchline, bellowing at the 'quarterback' and the 'defensive guard' to hit a three pointer. At half time he threw a lit cigar at his own coaches in confusion. He was aiming at the referee, because he'd been told when the referee blew his whistle it was customary to throw a wobbly regardless of whether the decision was for his team or not. On this occasion it was a penalty for DC, which Alessio Cerci missed. The game ended 1-1 with Eskandarian scoring for DC. It was a fairly low key game, but Hank enjoyed shouting at them afterwards, and fined 2 players for poor performance, even though they were rated '9' by the local press. On his way home he shot himself a woodchuck as reward. "Darn tootin", were his words to the media. Hank Spankem had arrived, the Jose Mourinho of North America, only without the knowledge, panache, flair, knowledge, dress sense, tactical awareness, and knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by flipsix3: Simply brilliant Richey, I'm almost tempted to apply for Mexican citizenship just to see the reaction </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Thanks attjen and flipsix3. Your praise means a lot! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 April Summary On the 6th of April DC stumbled to a 2-0 loss in Chicago, followed up by a dour 0-0 with Columbus. Hank then got confused when two faces turned up at training, and introduced themselves as new recruits. Matthew Tipton had joined for 230k from Macclesfield and Dave Mackay for 200k from Oxford. Hank didn't know where England was (or Wales for that matter), but after 3 hours of intense questioning and torture, he deduced they weren't Mexicans. The next game on the 16th April saw DC draw 2-2 with Metrostars in New Jersey. Hanks post match tirade focused not on the 88th minute wonder goal by Eskandarian, but on his grievances against Abraham Lincoln and the immoral North. New England were next and another 0-0 draw was on the cards, followed by an incredible 4-3 win in Colorado, featuring Tipton's first for the club, and an Eskandarian hat-trick. Hank chose to focus his post match team talk on how Colorado were a, "Buncha cowardly wannabe cowpokes and bum steers". And so April ended with DC 3rd in the Eastern Conference, and Hank largely praised for the mentality of the team. Hanks mentality was off the scale however, and he fined 9 players for spittin' tobacco like Canadians during training. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 May Summary In an effort to turn a bunch of players from "spineless Commies" into "real fellas" Hank introduced a 2 hour daily addition to training. Tobacco spitting. Then afterwards they'd all go for a Burger King and do some 'fightin'', as it was good for the spirit. The men got progressively tired due to Hanks new interpretation of soccer and the month of May demonstrated it. Hank was indicted for assault on a cop after a 1-0 reverse to Chicago on the 7th May, and then fined for shooting "funny lookin' folk" during a 3-2 reverse in Ohio at the hands of Columbus. Tipton netted twice but Hank referred to him as a "buttmunch" after the game for not being American enough. DC then went back to Colorado and surrendered in an un-Hank like fashion like lambs to the slaughter 2-0. The 21st May saw 4 penalties missed in a 0-0 draw with San Jose. Hank wasn't too upset. He didn't understand penalty kicks but noted that "some o' them other folks was gettin' mighty riled". The final game of the month on the 28th saw a meek 2-1 reverse in Los Angeles with Dani scoring from a free-kick. Hank declared that L.A was full of "Goddamn liberals" and jumped 3 traffic lights in pursuit of a man with a pointy beard. He is expected to be privy to a $900 fine, and possibly a restraining order. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 June Summary Hank dropped the hollerin' and screamin' but instead filled the dressing room with country music and bluegrass. The two Romanian players immediately requested transfers after one such session, preferring to listen to German death metal and Girls Ahoy. On the 4th June DC hosted San Jose and ended with a 1-1 draw. This was followed on the 8th by a 1-0 win over Kansas. "Inbred cowpokes" Hank muttered, perhaps not realising his own irony. Adam Frye left after Hank deduced his tobacco spitting wasn't up to U.S. standards. Carlos Ruiz was signed to boost the attack in a $3.4m deal from L.A (not swapped as was in the last year of his contract. Bizarre eh?) and the fans and players began to lose confidence in good ol' boy Hank as his inferior soccerball USA knowledge shone through like a spotlight covered in poo. The 15th June saw Metrostars defeated 2-0 with Moose and Owens netting with 2nd half headers. Ruiz made an impact against his former club on 25th June when DC triumphed 3-1 in LA as he netted once. Eskandarian and Gros finished the job. The month ended with a damp squid in Dallas where Mike Petkes goal wasn't enough to save DC from a 3-1 reverse. Hank fumed after the game. "We shot ourselves in the foot...just like JFK." perhaps not realising JFK was shot in Dallas, but not in the foot, and not by himself. He was roundly booed and indicted for treason against the flag. A $100 fine is pending. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian of Nazareth Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 haha This is excellent! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
WLKRAS Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 fb, great stuff Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
flipsix3 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">JFK was shot in Dallas, but not in the foot, and not by himself </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Quality Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
axeman Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 ROFL I've been picking myself up off the floor time and again while reading this. Goes great with some Blue Collar Comedy in Winamp Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spav Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Excellent writing - a joy to read. KUTGW Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 Wow guys, thanks very much. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Hank'll be updating more on Monday I think! Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobBev Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 You know, I have this wonderful mental picture of Hank and his family - please don't stop Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 After training, last day in June. "Now gather round y'all" bellowed Hank, in his white velveteen hat, studded with mother of pearl, "Ah've bin hearin things mah lil' ole ears don't be wantin' ter hear!" His gaze fixed upon Chris Carrieri, the good ol' boy Hank raved so much about in his team briefing. So much for first impressions eh? "Ah think there's a few o'ya behavin' themselves like Demmycrats, backstabbin' and spreadin' muck around like mah Uncle Georgie-Lou after a good ole fashioned hoe down." His left eye winked several times involuntarily in the sunlight, causing him to briefly look like a threatening pirate from 1603. Chris Carrieri looked at the floor. "Well Boss" Carrieri mumbled in his Bronx accent, "I bin supposin' you aint knowin' too much about what you doin'. Ah want ter be up at the top, not down the bottom." Hank went up to Carrieri and eyeballed him. "Ah did NOT ask fer yer opinion, you'n be behavin' lower than a bum steer at a rodeo for Mexicans", he roared, spittle covering the face of the unfortunate player. He continued, "Ah may know nuthin' about this here game soccerball but ah do know fer certain Mr New York goddamn City, come the end of this season, you ain't gonna be mah quarterback no more..." Several players tried to interject. "An... do NOT innerupt me when ah'm talkin' fellers, ah'm the shoutiest man on the East coast." Pause. "Now... ah appear to have put mah leg in a goddamn hole from all the stampin' cussin' and so on and so forth, so ah'd really 'preciate your help. Ah've got a few more points ah'd like to discuss, such as..." The players walked away silently leaving Hank one knee buried deep in the muddy turf. "Hey fellas, help me out... ah said..." Shoutin' an' screamin' were of no use. Hank had lost the team. It was time for Spankem to cut down on the spankin' and ratchet up the rankings. 3 days later "Ain't no-one gonna help me... ah haven't had me a burger in 3 days, and ah can't reach mah shooter to shoot me any goddamn woodchucks neither. Goddamn Mexicans, goddamn Canadians an' Demmycrats. Goddamn Washington, goddamn Mary-Bob and goddamn to you Mr Hank Spankem, 'ats anuther fine ole mess yer in." So on and so forth for several days thereafter. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 A fine June mornin' Hank loved a bit of Country and Western. He sat back in his La-Z-Boy chair and flicked on 100.3fm Hillbilly Radio. He closed his eyes and relaxed to the refreshing upbeat stylings of ‘Texan Pete and the Cowpokes’. Oklahoma (Y’all) Yee-ha y’all, grab yer pardner y’all, Down Oklahoma way, ah fell off of ma hoss, He jumped an bucked an squealed, An ah done bumped mah head, An threw up several meals. Down Oklahoma way, ah found mahself a dame, She had one leg and had no brain, She said her name was Wayne. Ah picked her up an hurled her round, An ah felt mah ankle sprain. Down Oklahoma way, woke up in hospital, Ah had to sign a form, So the good Doc he sawed off mah foot, Ah had no anaesthetic, an ah squealed an squealed in pain. Now ah walk like a Demmycrat, limpin’ like the lame. Down Oklahoma way, payin’ medical bills, An ah had no insurance, To pay them good ol’ doctors fees, They lookin’ at me with apathy, Like ah had some disease, Yeah, so when I was down Oklahoma way, They sawed off both mah knees. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 July Summary There is nothing like the word 'crap' to describe a series of games. The word 'crap' could therefore be applied to all of DC United's games in July as Hank started to feel the pressure of Soccerball management. "This danged game don't make no sense," he roared in post match interviews. "Ah just don't git why ah can't put more men on the field; it seems awful dumb not havin' timeouts and them lines on the pitch look kinda stoopid." Anyhow, on the 2nd July DC spluttered to a 0-0 home draw with New England, before several days later DC had 4 players called up for the Eastern All-Stars in the All-Stars game, won by the East on penalties after a 1-1 draw. Hank didn't go to that game, he was watching a naked rodeo on the television, live from Kansas. On the 13th July Dc hosted Pittsburgh in the 3rd round of the US Cup and Hank scored a reprieve with his team winning 5-0, with a hat-trick from Eskandarian and brace from defender Brandon Owens. Normality resumed on the 16th when DC went to Chicago and drew 1-1, before losing to Columbus 2-0 four days later. The 23rd saw DC travel to Kansas to win 1-0. Hank was absent for illness reasons, but was spotted at a naked rodeo atop a very frightened looking horse, enveloped in the immense flab from his sizeable girth. The 30th July saw a 1-1 draw with Colorado, Justin Moose netting a 97th minute equaliser, to set off some raucous celebratory shootin' from the DC bench, as Hank ran a lap of the pitch firin' his Colt .45 into the air. By the time he completed the lap it was the 1st of August and the stadium was completely deserted. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 A hot evening, August the 1st Hank was a fightin’ man. Never letting adversity get the better of him was something he took great pride in. The latest run of poor form was really starting to ratchet up the pressure gauge. Hank opened the Spankem family history volume number 9 for a bit of inspiration from the past. Spankem Histories, Volume IX – Big Tex Spankem 1831-79 Big Tex finished suppin’ his whisky, and smashed the glass on the floor for no reason except he was really hard and no-one would stop him. His hat, riddled with bullets from duels past, sat on the table next to his eyepatch and his favourite shooter. A funny-lookin’ man eased through the saloon door and looked about. Hank pushed his chair back. “Ah hope yer aint thinkin’ of comin’ over here friend,†he drawled, “for mah gun is fully loaded and ah’ve had a skinful o’the good stuff.†The stranger turned and was headed for the exit, when Big Tex opened fire, yellin’ “Yee-Haw pardner†at the top of his lungs as the defenceless stranger died in a blistering hail of bullets. Big Tex sidled over to the stranger, face down in a pool of blood. “Ah don’t much like the look of yew stranger…†he declared. The dead body didn’t reply on account of being…well, dead. “Ah said…†re-iterated Big Tex, “Ah DON’T much like the look…†He was cut off by little George the stableboy. “Big Tex, ah think he’s dead†“Don’t nobody tells Big Tex what to doâ€, he snarled, before turning his attention back to the bloody corpse, firing off another round, before downing 3 whiskies on an adjacent table. He stomped back to his table. “If anyone else thinks they kin dang well challenge me, step forward now, or forever hold yer peace.†He wedged his Stetson onto his head. A lone voice piped up. “Ah challenge ya Tex, ah ain’t afraid of yer shoutin’ hollerin’ ways.†Tex looked up, and his eyes rounded with fear. His jaw dropped and his knuckles went white. The Milkybar Kid. He got up and bolted for the door, swung his backside up onto his horse and galloped away as fast as he could. “The Milkybars are on me!â€, the freckle-faced youngster chirruped, as hordes of children descended with cheers and laughter. Back in the present, Hank slammed the book shut angrily. “Damn coward†he muttered, “Ah must’ve been readin’ the wrong book.†Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 August Summary The good run of form continued in the US Cup 4th round as Dallas were dispatched back to JFK-land in a 4-0 defeat, Ruiz and Cerci doing the damage.. The 6th saw Metrostars beaten away 3-1, with Gros, Dani and Cerci on top form. a hiatus followed for international games, after which DC succumbed 2-0 to New England, before recovering 4 days later to beat New England 3-0 at home, Olsen netting along with Ruiz, who added another couple to his collection. The month ended with a 1-1 in Chicago, Carrieri making the most of his time on the pitch to score. It had been a better month. Hank was pleased. The run of form seemed to co-incide with the removal of tobacco spittin' from training at the request of his assistant manager. Hank wasn't best pleased to be in charge of a bunch of liberal sissies, but they seemed to be playing better. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 24, 2006 Author Share Posted January 24, 2006 September Summary "Goddamn soccerball, what kinda moron come up with a game where y'all can't pick the ball up wherever ya feels like it" These words spoken after a 2-2 draw with Columbus, which turned a win into a draw after a dodgy penalty for handball in the final minute. The run of draws continued on the 10th at home to the Metrostars, before Hank flipped, went totally mental and dropped all his regulars for the trip to San Jose, and shockingly saw Dc come from 2-0 down to win 3-2 with Santino Quaranta coming in from the cold and netting a 3 minute hat-trick on 85,86, and 87 minutes. Hank felt vindicated, and his small knowledge of soccerball was masked by the luck in the result. A few days later DC returned to San Jose for the US Cup Semi-Final and won 2-1, Quaranta again staking his claims for a first team place. Hank dropped him for the next match against L.A, possibly because he really does know diddly-squat about anything, but DC continued their good run, winning 2-1 with goals from Ruiz and Olsen, to end the month without defeat. Hank celebrated. Had a corner been turned? Hank partied the night away, waking up with his underpants on his head, and a toad in his ear several hundred miles away in Memphis the next morning. What a night. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 I.R.S Office, downtown Washington, sometime before lunch, but not too late, ooh lets say, about half eleven. Hokey Fundlecross stroked the dying fish in his lap and bit his lip. He didn't know why the fish was dying. He had taken it out for its morning drag around the office as per usual, but today was different. The Koi Carp had spluttered and coughed all morning, and was gasping for breath on Hokey's lap. The fish gave one last judder and was silent. Hokey strode to the bin and dropped the fish in, with a deep degree of sorrow, his brow doused in sweat and his cheeks red from all the crying. Someone was going to pay for his loss. He was mad. He meant business. Hokey Fundlecross had been the main tax fraud expert in Washington for 17 years, working at the I.R.S office with a great team of support workers and until 3 minutes ago, his magical tax-fraud solving fish. He glanced through his tears at the stack of papers on his desk. All new in that week, the latest fraudsters trying to hoodwink the almighty dollar. The first sheet of paper stared him back in the face. Name: George Bush He chucked the paper away and muttered to himself, "Aw he's always there, ah ain't gonna arrest the president. Ah'll have to put a memo out to tell 'em to stop puttin' his name here in this here pile." The second name appeared on the next piece of paper. He smiled. He was going to take out his fish related rage and nail this guy good and proper. The name? Hank Spankem Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 The desk of Hokey Fundlecross Hank had been a bad boy. He had paid no tax the past year, despite being employed by DC United for the best part of it. He was defrauding the good ol' US of A. But Hokey had an ulterior motive. Aside from the death of the fish, which instilled a sense of uncontrollable rage, he and Hank went a long way back. In fact they went to Kindergarten together. And did Hokey like Hank? Flashback to sometime deep in the past, at Kindergarten Hokey Fundlecross lay on his side, soap bubbles burbling from his open mouth. His face was contorted in agony. When you are 6, this is a confusing situation to be in. It isn't something that happens every day at Kindergarten. Well, it does if you are at Kindergarten with Hank Spankem. Hank took a long run-up. The time for experimentation was through. The subject was full of soap, and the stomach was in clear view. His fat little legs began to charge towards Hokey, and Hank's mean fat red face huffed and puffed as he closed in on his target. Several seconds later Hokey blew a huge soap bubble towards the ceiling and roared in pain. Hank stood over him. "Hot dang Hokey, did y'all see that there soap bubble. Ah always wondered what'd happen if i done kicked ya hard enough." Hokey didn't reply. Hank spat some tobacco at him. "Y'all just stupid Hokey. You's no fun. Ah'm gonna play with that new girl Mary-Bob. Ah likes her. She lives in that trailer down on the interstate. Her maw and paw ain't alive no more on account of fallin' into a ravine down Utah way. She's more fun than you, plus she says when ah'm older she'll done marry me." Hokey groaned. "Ah hate ya Hank, ah'll gitcher back one day. You're a darn tootin' villain." Back in the present Hokey smiled at the memory, typed out a letter to Hank informing him of his tax situation, rubber stamped it and sent it off. Hank wasn't the kinda guy who liked surprisin'. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spav Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 This is superb. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Spav: This is superb. </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Cheers Spav! Here's some more Rich Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 October Summary Hank didn't go to Kansas on the 8th Oct for the mundane 0-0 draw. He spent some time in Vegas, gamblin' and drinkin' with his fancy women. He was unseen until the 15th when a he showed up just before kick off to witness DC win 1-0 against Dallas, conveniently claiming the plaudits, claiming he was scouting in the midwest all that time. Te next game was a biggie, the US Cup Quarter Final 1st Leg away to Chicago, and Hank was all fired up. He gave a rousing speech before the game, which involved a condemnation of all the following nations: Hanks condemnation list Mexico Canada Iowa [sic] Mexico Mexico Belgiumland Alaska [sic] Canada Mexico Mexico El Salvador Haiti Mexico Franceland Englandland Londonland AntarcticPolarBearLand The axis of evil (including Mexico) In the event, Dani secured a 2-1 win and the vitriolic speech was worth it. The 26th of October saw DC go to L.A and Ruiz score two headers to take a 2-1 vicory back to the 'hood. The MLS Quarter Final was wrapped up on the 29th with a 4-1 win over Chicago, Cerci scoring all the goals. Hank ended the month by signing a Swedish 17 year old Alvedin Nezirovac on a free transfer. Possessing no skill whatsoever it was a puzzling scenario, at least until his mom turned up to training. Hank shook a lot of grateful hands that day. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 Hanks Apologies "Due to a slight **** up in the admin department here at DC United, mah biographer Richey has made a few slight errors. They are as follows. The 2 matches against Chicago were the MLS playoff quarter finals, which were won. The Final of the U.S. Cup was the game against L.A. which was won. Ah'd like to apologise for mah incompetent biographer, he's clearly nothin' but a yellow-bellied bum steer." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 November update The season ended in disappointment for Hank, as after being on a high from the US Cup victory and MLS playoff quarter final, his team travelled to Columbus on the 5th of November and lost 2-0 in a one-legged Semi Final. DC United finished an atrocious 4th place in the Eastern Conference, and fans booed throughout the night outside Hanks house where he took pot shots through a window with a set of antique duelling pistols. Ruiz and Cerci were the leading DC scorers for the season, and Ben Olsen was the highest rated player in the MLS. Hank clearly knew zero about soccerball. The next season was his last chance. The last chance saloon. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 One mid-November afternoon Hank put on his gold rimmed, tinted aviator glasses, put his favourite hat on, the rhinestone studded black one, with a double wide brim. With his sweaty hand he buttoned up his black velveteen waist-jacket with his sunburnt hairy arms exposed. Vrooommmmmmm The Harley revved as the rotund man hit the gas pedal. “Mary-Bob!†he roared, “Ah’m goin’ ridin’!†He fired up his 4ft long cigar as Mary-Bob came running into the garage. “Hank you rotten ol’ dawgâ€, she screamed, “Ah’m givin’ birth. Mah waters done broke…. You gotta git me to the E.R.†He pushed his sunglasses up his nose and clamped his teeth round his cigar. “Ah’ll be danged if ah’m a gonna tek yer to hospital when ah’m goin’ ridin’. Yous gonna have to reschedule you lousy sonofa…†He revved up the ‘bike to within an inch of its life and roared out of the garage, wobbling slightly, clipping the kerb before careering into the neighbours cabbage patch and ultimately the cast iron mailbox. There was a loud scream, a crash and a mind-blowing noise of twisted metal. “Mary-Bobâ€, a forlorn voice whimpered, “Git your lazy ass out here and git me to hospital. Ah think ah done broke both mah arms!†Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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