Hank Spankem's Soccerball Adventure

[Richey]

Later That Day

"Ah don't like much the look of him Mary-Bob. For one thing, he don't got no teeth."

Mary-Bob lay in her hospital bed, while Hank sat next to her, both arms in plaster peering down at the baby.

"Aw Hank", she cooed, "He's just a 'lil ol' baby."

"Well", he mused, "He's got one hell of a suspicious face Mary-Bob, ah swear ah seen him before."

"No Hank, you int seen him before, he been done born only fifteen minutes ago."

Hank narrowed one eye, spat into a nearby spitoon and jabbed the infant in the chest with a chubby finger.

"Ah've got mah eye on yew pardner, Hank Spankem don't git fooled easily no sirree bob he does not."

With that, he wedged his hat on his rotund head, hocked some tobacco in the face of the nearest nurse, and with a wailing Mary-Bob in his wake stormed out.

[Richey]

Outside "50 Cent Memorial Hospital, Washington DC"

Hank stormed out of the hospital and fumbled around for the keys to his Cadillac.

"God damn Mexican keys, goddamn it all ter hell"

He felt a tap on his shoulder.

In bemusement he removed the tap from his shoulder and looked up to the 4th floor of the hospital where an apologetic nurse shouted, "Sorry darlin' ah jus' dropped it".

He threw the tap back up to her and went back to fumbling for his keys.

He felt a firm hand clench his other shoulder and wheeler around, his blubbery red face contorted in a blubbery red rage, an expression which soon turned to shock and horror.

"Hank Spankem" Hokey Fundlecross ventured, "Ah'd like you to accompany me and these two fine gents here to an interview room. Ah've some things ah'd like to be clearin' up with y'all."

Hank spluttered while two cops handcuffed his hands together.

"Goddamn it Hokey, if y'all gotta arrest me, don't use goddamn Canadians."

[Richey]

Washington Post, Page 12

Spankem Arrested in Tax Fraud Shocker

In the early hours of this afternoon, soccerball team USA DC United team coach Hank Spankem was apprehended by fraud squad officers questioning his financial dealings.

Several witnesses noted that Spankem looked absolutely terrified, and was led off cursing all manner of societal groups, Canadians in particular.

Spankem, a failure on the coaches bench seems also to be a failure in finance too. It seems his taxes for the past fiscal year have been 26cents underpaid, making him a legitimate target for the War on Terror(Copyright).

As we speak, the 14th Airborne division have invaded the Spankem residence, with three casualties from friendly fire all sustained in the vicinity of the utility room. Two prisoners are being held at Guantanamo Bay, a young as-yet unnamed man and a small piglet.

Traces of Chemical Weapons have been found on the scene, in the dishwasher and on a woman's dressing table.

Spankem it seems, faces a bleak future.

See Page 19 for a fabulous story about a Singing Gerbil!