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Is That A Gun In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me Flippers?


Peacemaker7

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'Well' Raptor put down the newspaper and looked up at the computer screen as his mate 'spoke' again, 'I guess you are correct, this has been a pretty poor year for FMS, even if you did win another 17 awards'

FMS Legend Peacemaker 7 nodded in agreement from the other side of the ethernet. 'Its not that I'm not happy to taken my tally to 137 overall, its just that you know, being the only nominee in all 17 catergories is a tad predicatable these days. Theres just no-one who can write as good as me since Flipper died.'

Raptor sighed. 'I remember the good old days, when the likes of Gino and Bobbev and so many others whose names I forget. Was it Spav who was the gay or was that HD?'

'Not sure.' Peacemaker7 mused, 'I think it might have been Tork. Feck sake not Tork, Dork.'

'Nah it wasn't Tork or Dork, it was Terk he was called. He was fat for sure, but he wasn't gay. Least he rejected me that night in Amsterdam when I was drunk after that half pint of shandy.'

The two sat in silence for a few moments, reminiscing of times past.

'Bugger it' Raptor muttered, 'I'll need to look up the database.'

Five minutes passed then Raptor exclaimed, 'Ah it was Displaced Seagul. He was the gay, although he then pretended he wasn't. He was a right character wasn't he.'

Peacemaker7 nodded. 'You know it would be great to have the old gang back, to re-unite everyone again, to re-live the old days'

Raptor shook his head. 'You know what would be great? If we could actually assemble them as real people. If would turn them into a real football team, not just a bunch of losers sitting behind a pc monitor, jerking off and eating cheese sandwiches. '

Peacemaker7 laughed. 'That would be so cool. Its a pity they're all dead now, except Bobbev. Not a lot we can do.'

'But you're forgetting something PM' Raptor smiled reverently.

'Whats that?'

'You're a Demi God mate. YOU can make it happen. Just command and it shall be done.'

And so it was.

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'Well' Raptor put down the newspaper and looked up at the computer screen as his mate 'spoke' again, 'I guess you are correct, this has been a pretty poor year for FMS, even if you did win another 17 awards'

FMS Legend Peacemaker 7 nodded in agreement from the other side of the ethernet. 'Its not that I'm not happy to taken my tally to 137 overall, its just that you know, being the only nominee in all 17 catergories is a tad predicatable these days. Theres just no-one who can write as good as me since Flipper died.'

Raptor sighed. 'I remember the good old days, when the likes of Gino and Bobbev and so many others whose names I forget. Was it Spav who was the gay or was that HD?'

'Not sure.' Peacemaker7 mused, 'I think it might have been Tork. Feck sake not Tork, Dork.'

'Nah it wasn't Tork or Dork, it was Terk he was called. He was fat for sure, but he wasn't gay. Least he rejected me that night in Amsterdam when I was drunk after that half pint of shandy.'

The two sat in silence for a few moments, reminiscing of times past.

'Bugger it' Raptor muttered, 'I'll need to look up the database.'

Five minutes passed then Raptor exclaimed, 'Ah it was Displaced Seagul. He was the gay, although he then pretended he wasn't. He was a right character wasn't he.'

Peacemaker7 nodded. 'You know it would be great to have the old gang back, to re-unite everyone again, to re-live the old days'

Raptor shook his head. 'You know what would be great? If we could actually assemble them as real people. If would turn them into a real football team, not just a bunch of losers sitting behind a pc monitor, jerking off and eating cheese sandwiches. '

Peacemaker7 laughed. 'That would be so cool. Its a pity they're all dead now, except Bobbev. Not a lot we can do.'

'But you're forgetting something PM' Raptor smiled reverently.

'Whats that?'

'You're a Demi God mate. YOU can make it happen. Just command and it shall be done.'

And so it was.

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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">not just a bunch of losers sitting behind a pc monitor, jerking off and eating cheese sandwiches. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Any story with a reference to cheese (even if it is placed between two pieces of bread) is a winner as far as I'm concerned. icon14.gif

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In the begining, God created the Heavens and the Earth. But something was missing, some people had been given the wrong talents and that had to be rectified. Peacemaker7 closed his eyes, thought about it, and hey presto it came to pass.

'Wow' He declared to no-one in particular, 'I really am God?'

'Looks like it' Raptor replied, 'I told you it was possible and now you've only gone and done it.'

'Thats superb' The Demi God beamed, 'Erm what is it that I've done exactly?'

'Look around you. This isn't Paisley mate, and its not Groningen.'

'Yer not wrong Rappy. I know you usually are, but this time kid, you're definately not wrong!'

The pair were standing outside a rather quaint little football stadium, nothing spectacular - this wasn't Barcelona or Real Madrid for sure - it probably seated around 1000 people. Not the biggest, not the best but it was theirs. At least it was Peacemaker7's. So it seemed.

'We best go in and see whats what' PM7 stated and as usual Raptor followed on his heels.

The cleaner greeted them, bowing low in a majestic display of reverance. The groundsman greeted them, bowing even lower in an even more majestic display of reverance. And finally they arrived at the dressing room.

'I wonder who we'll find in here?' PM7 enquired as they cautiously pushed the door open.

The players instantly went quiet and PM7 looked around the room. He knew that somehow he knew these guys, even though he thought most of them he had never met before. Yet somehow they were familiar, they were smiling, respectfully waiting for his next word to comfort their small and insignificant lives.

Then a voice spoke up, 'If you're God PM, you could at least have created us at Chelsea'.

'Ah HD, its good to see you again!'

At that moment, Raptor's mobile rang and he answered it.

'Uh huh? Really? Wow thats interesting!' He turned to PM7, 'Its for you. It's Flippers'

PM7 took the phone with two fingers - you never knew where it had been after all - 'Hello?'

'Hi PM. So you've made yourself an FMS team have you? Included all the FMS greats have you? But you fecking missed me out didn't you!'

'I did?'

'Yes you know you did. Well, screw you. I'll make my own team, you're not going to get this all your own way mate. I'm gonna stop you and when I do - well erm, I'll have stopped you wont I!'

'Ok, thanks for calling' PM7 handed the phone back to Raptor then took a short breath. 'D'you know something mate?'

'No?'

'I think I've just created the Devil.'

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I'm with Spav on the cheese references. And, PM7, if you continue to be more inventive than a hatfull of us all put together do you really wonder why you keep winning these awards ?

Another cracking idea for a story, go wrap yourself up another award or two now, eh ?

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'Ok Flippers, show us what you've got' PM7 was pretty confident that anything Flippers could do, he could do better. After all, he was God, Flip was the Devil and if that was so, then he was better. Wasn't he? It did, very slightly, cross the Great One's mind that the roles might be reversed, but no that couldn't be. After all, Raptor believed in him so it must be true.

'I'll give you the honour PM, after all you are the Legend and who am I?' There was almost a trace of a sneer in the not so great ones voice.

'Very well. The club: IFK Olme, Swedish Division Two, East Svealand. 1250 all seater stadium. North Svealand runners up in 2004, 3rd Division West Svealand Winners 2000, runners up 1999'

'Oh wow' Flippers said, his voice dripping with sarcasm 'that is so amazing, what an incredible God you are to have created such an amazing club!'

'Just show us what you've got Flip, its your turn now. Put up, or shut up!'

'Very well.' Flippers almost seemed delighted in echoing his rivals mannerisms, so typical of the Devil really. 'Vartans IK. Swedish Second Division, North Svealand.'

'Fantastic. So much better than me' PM7 even allowed a smile then, 'And what have they won?'

'Well, nothing' Flippers didn't seem overly perturbed, 'But don't worry PM that will change and where's the glory in bringing success to an already successful club?'

Which was true.

'Ok very good, I don't think either of us can gloat too much there. Right, staff, who you got?'

'Nope' Flippers was adamant. 'The rules are, its you first. After all, you are God'

PM7 sighed. 'Fine if thats the way you want to play it. I have Ingi Danielsson as manager, Dave Green as assistant, Clemente Marito and Mark Frost as coaches'

For the first time, it seemed as if, just perceptibly, Flipsix3's confidence dipped.

'Fairly impressive' PM7, 'I have to admit thats impressive'

'Its not bad. Four characters of the Year, can't do an awful lot better than that.'

'Nope possibly not but anyway. I have the great Sir Bert Merton as my assistant.'

'Oh very oo-lah-lah. Sir Bert eh? Imagine him lowering himself to such a level I am impressed' Although you could tell PM7 really was taking the pish.

'You can laugh. Its the one that lasts laugh you know.'

'Whatever. Manager? Who are you going to impress us with, Stan McbloodyCabe?'

Flippers blanched visibly. 'Sh*t I never thought of him, that would have been a great combination. Well anyway the guy I have is the best I know for sure. He was a great character, should have been character of the year and saved the skins of the UCMSer's'

'So who is it?'

'Clayton'

PM7 fell to the ground laughing.

Clayton. Aahahahaha!

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Really, Stu, I swear to... ehm... to you I guess that you really have too much free time icon_smile.gif

Well, do not worry. I am learning the new FM and once the patch arrives I'll start up a game that will see me take a prize away from you. I already have the idea ready icon_smile.gif

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'I'm still convinced my managerial team will win out PM' Flippers said with no trace of anger or arrogance in his voice, 'But anyway lets see what you have in the way of players. After all, your managerial team might be impressive but if your players are crap whats the point?'

'Oh my players are gonna be just fine matey, I've got the cream of FMS here. It's you I worry about because I can't think whose left that I didn't get to first.'

'We'll see. Come on, get the ball rolling. Defence?'

'Listen to this.

Keepers, Terk & Lionel Perez. Nothing gets past Terk, LP is a goalkeeping legend. You have no chance of topping them.

Right back, BrianW & Mikezone13. Excellent, quality FMSers in their day, no-one can touch them.

Left back, Raptor & Bobbev. Two of FMS finest, my defence is already making you drool I can see that, I see the panic in your eyes Flippers. Giving up?'

Flippers just stared at his rival, saying nothing, giving nothing away.

'Central defence, OMDave, -Xenon-, Faramir & Gino, a whole spectrum of FMS talent from througout the ages. I dare you to come even close to bringing in anyone who can match their reputations?'

Flippers nodded, 'Uhuh. I see that PM. Good choices, can't argue with the quality.'

PM7 smiled.

Flippers continued, 'But my guys can match that I'm sure.

Keepers, Steve Wall

PM7 audibly laughed.

And - Flippers gave a dramatic pause - Soldout

PM7 for a few seconds looked pale, and there were what might have been tears forming in the corner of his eye.

'I've got you there haven't I? Can't believe you dumped your old mate Soldout and now he's comin' back to haunt you.'

'Just get on with Flippers' PM had recovered his composure.

'Right backs, Irishregan & Bomjr'

PMy was laughing again. 'Who the hell are they?'

'They've been something.' Flippers said assuredly, 'Just you listen up and let me finish ok?'

Flippers continued, 'Left backs, Chonner & Richey

But PM7 simply could not control himself as he hell over lauhging. 'I'm sorry Flippers' he chortled, 'But this is suppose to be an FMS team!'

Flippers tried his best to keep up the bravado, 'Central defence, haze13, Lord Crumb, James Lewis and......'

Flippers was beaming, looking as if he had just won the lottery, Flann O'Brien!

PM7 stood still, his face getting redder and redder and then he simply fell over laughing again. 'I'm sorry Flippers but if thats the best you can do, you have no chance. You should give in now'

'But I have an FMS legend, one of the greatest writers ever to grace this forum!'

'Look haze13 is ok, he's far from a legend for crying out loud! I think its round one to me matey. You better get used to this losing lark, because its looking like something your team is gonna a do a lot of!'

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'You just don't get it do you PM? I have an FMS LEGEND!'

'Flippers, mate, your becoming delirious. I think we better move on to the midfield before you blow a gasket'

'I just don't think you're giving my guys enough credit PM, just because they don't fit into your snobbery and elitism.'

'Oh for heavens sake Flip, you're sounding like Charnley.'

Flip looked confused. 'Who?'

'Never mind, just some looney. Anyway, lets move on. Midfield! Ok on the right of the midfield trio, Wimb the Barman & benny. Ok so Wimb is basically a Llama as fare as we know, but I'm ok with that, he won't mess around and shirk the tackle and thats important. benny is an FMS icon, his name is synonymous with quality and he's become something of a cult. Class through and through!

Middle of the middle, Spav &[/b]SaC[/b]. Whilst Spav is Australian and seems to have a rather perverse liking for CM5 or whatever the hell its called, he doesn't pull punches, and SaC is the kind of player you want pulling the strings, quiet, unassuming but lethal!

Left side, Chesterfan2 & Harlequin. Latest newcomer of the year, highly talent and our Danish Warlord. Just face it Flippers, you're fecked and I haven't even begun to unleash my forward line!

'Yeah yeah PM, very impressive. But so many has beens. I mean benny, pfft, none of the new crowd even remember him. And no-one ever even knew who Harlequin was.'

'Stop procrastinating. Lets see what goods you have and then you can see if gloating is actually something you can do. I doubt it.'

'Right midfield, Caleyjag & Pickles. Caleyjag is a Mod! erm thats it.

Middle mid, Bagpuss &'

But before Flippers could continue, PM7 had once more fallen over on the floor laughing. 'This is really cracking me up Flippers, no wonder you've got no chance of catching my awards total you're messed up in the head. Whats the idea then, to have Bagpuss terrify the opposition or to make them throw up or are you hoping they'll all fall about laughing at the total lack of any footballing skills?'

'PM I didn't interupt you, so please, let me get on, everyone on the forum is reading this and you're just making yourself look silly by laughing at people. Ok so, where was I? Yes middle of the midfield, Bagpuss & Donners.

Flippers paused to see if his rival would saying anything but PM was too busy trying to stiffle the laughs, 'OK so the left of the midfield, Jim65 & Jack o'Sullivan'

Flippers ended and waited for the reponse, but none was forthcoming.

'Well?'

Still PM stood saying nothing.

'Oh come on. Is your silence admitting that my squad is so much better then yours?'

And with that PM7 walked off, tears of laughter streaming down his face. This was going to be such a bloody walkover.

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'I might' Flippers began in a tentative mood for once, 'might just admit that your squad is, so far, perhaps, marginally better than mine. But before you butt in and gloat, I have to say I think the forward lines will win the day and here I have to say I think I have you. In fact, I'm so damn sure that I'm listing my players first and then I'll be the one to sit back and laugh at you!'

Peacemaker7 noncholontly said nothing and didn't even flinch when it became abundantly clear he couldn't actually spell noncholont. After all, there is no FMS award for spelling.

'Right wingers' Flippers began proudly, 'Blanklook & Jack South, left wingers Educated Hick &Abe Lenstra, and finally the strikers, Flipsix3, in otherwords the glorious ME, and as back up to the great me, Silverfox. And to complete the squad of 25 we were allowed, I've added Mavericktango, binny and finally but not least, Andrew Downing'

PM7 stood in silence, not even laughing, not even smiling.

'Oh come on PM you have to be impressed with that? Silverfox ffs he created FMS!'

'Whatever. Anyway now you've finished introducing the losing team, is it ok for me to introduce the winners? After all its my team most of the readers are going to want to know about.'

'You keep telling yourself that'

'Right wingers, WLKRAS & Ell_G, left wingers Peacemaker7 & Glamdring and the central strikers HD & Attjen. My three 'extras' are displaced_seagul, King Jeff & Dixie Flatline. Now Flippers, tell me that isn't an impressive 25 man squad?'

But for once, Flipsix3 was totally speechless.

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Ok preliminaries out the way, this is essentially an FMS team story. Or rather, two FMS teams story. Or two FMS teams stories. Or two..... but fcuk that.

Running Swedish leagues only, with England, Scotland, Spain top level on View Only, for no particular reason.

I've mainly chosen FMS regulars/former greats for my own squad, not so regulars/former no so greats on Flippers with the odd exception here and there but I'll let you work it out yourself.

There is also a little extra added bonus, both sides have been assigned an 'extra' nationality with the idea being that they win the World Cup together. But you'll have to wait and see whats what with that!

I think thats all. Except, please remember to vote for this story at the next awards.

Thanks.

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It was pretty amazing. They were all seventeen again, and even Bagpuss could actually walk a little bit. But they soon realised that was a mistake when he fell over.

Bobbev was dancing around the room, still clutching his zimmer before he was finally persuaded to let it go. Unlike the pussy, Bob didn't fall over.

'I can walk! I can walk again, oh I'm so happy, thank you Jesus, its a miracle!'

Because both sides were in different sections of the Swedish 2nd Division, Flippers hit upon a great idea. 'Lets have an FMS Cup. My team v yours, home and away. Lets see what your guys are really up to.'

'Well I dunno Flippers. It's early days, the boys are still boys and the management need time to sort it out'

'Chicken?'

And so it was arranged, the FMS Cup would be battled for on an annual basis, the winners would recieve the plaudits they deserved - plus £10 to share - and the losers would be castrated. No I don't mean castrated, I mean erm, ah hell castrated will do.

Ingi Danielsson was delighted to have such a young squad to work with. He, along with his coaches, entered a dressing room full of noise and joviality as Bobbev continued prancing around. Suddenly the whole squad shut up in the presence of four of their own greats.

'Its good to see such high spirits' Ingi told his men, 'Now if we can turn that enthusiasm into football we will be doing well. Lets get down to business.'

'Wait a wee minute boss' Peacemaker7 interjected, 'I have one more thing to tell you all'

There was a pregnant pause, and then someone gave birth.

'Now as you know, I told you we would all have the opportunity to play in the World Cup together and I've even managed to get Mr Danielsson assigned as manager of our chosen nation team.'

There was a huge buzz of excitement.

'Now if someone could kill that wasp, I;ll hand out these passports. Don't lose them, you'll need them when you play for your new country.'

PM7 passed round an envelope to every player that gave them what they needed to play for their new country and as each player excitedly opened their envelope, there came over the dressing a hushed, almost unbelieving silence. And then it was HD who broke it - it would be HD of course - 'Erm this says Andorra?'

'Thats right' PM7 nodded proudly, 'We will all be lining up for Andorra, isn't that wonderful?'

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Uh-oh somebody let him out of his asylum again didn't they?! icon_biggrin.gif

Have fun with this one Stu, and of course I'm always *ahem* 'pleased' to see you icon_wink.gif

Just remember one thing... the devil has all the best tunes! \m/

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'Wewl hewwo boys, awow me to intwoduce maself, I am as you will awl know, Sir Bewt Mewton, one of the gweatest managews Engwand has eva known didn't yoo know?'

The Vartans FMS team dressing room sat in stupified silence.

'Now. I joost want to tewl yoo boys a few wules that we will be having awound heah. One. No smoking duwing matches. Two, no mastuwbating befowe, duwing ow after matches in the showew.'

Bagpuss put his hand up.

'You wea, ewm, Bagpush I beweeve, what appeaws to be the pwobwem?'

'How long before the match are we not allowed to ********** for?'

'Ow, wet me see know, I fink what like twoo days is nowmal yes?'

'And what about sex?'

'Now Bagpush, downt pwetend you've had sex wif a weal woman.'

Basgpush - I mean puss - put his hand down. His pants.

'Get wat out of theah at once you tewwible man!'

Bagpuss did as commanded. This was not going to be a lot of fun if he couldn't even play with himself.

'Now. I know you ah all vewy good chaps and all, but we need to get betta, and the onwy way we can do wat is to twain twain twain. I will be taking the twaining. We wiwl be wunning wunning wunning, so youi besht get used to thaht ok what?'

Sir Bert paused for breath. 'And now. Wet me intwoduce to you, the managew of ouw fine cwub, Mistuw Cwayton! Awl be upstandwing fow the managew!'

The players jumped up as one, looking around for the presence of someone new. Suddenly a chicken ran into the room and Sir Bert picked him up.

'Bloody hell, whats that!' Lord Crumb shouted in disgust.

Sir Bert flew into a rage, 'How day yoo speawk in the pwesence of the managew without pewmission! You wiwl be fined a weeks sawalwy!'

The players looked started, the only people in the room were them and Sir Bert. Perhaps their Assistant manager had taken leave of his senses. Still standing, no-one really knew what to do or say until suddenly Pickles blurted out, 'But, erm, excuse me your honour? Where is Mr Clayton?'

'WHART? Whawt do you mean boy? THIS' he thrust forth the chicken, 'THIS is Mistuw Cwayton, he is youw gwowious managew! BOW DOWN!'

'feck sake' Educated Hick whispered, 'Our managers a chicken!'

'Neva, NEVA, wefea to ouwew managew as a chicken !' Sir Bert exploded. 'Now. Wets get ouet wewe and twain!'

'Erm Sir Bert, before we go' Flippers butted in showing little respect - after all, he did own the club - 'I have a little surprise for the players. I know that Peacemaker7 has gotten all his players Andorran nationality and of course we couldn't let that pass. So, to stop him winning the World Cup - and you lot are going to - I've got you all passports for a country of our own. We are going to be....... San Marino!'

'Bloody hell' binny shouted, 'We're really in the crazy farm now!'

'And downt you fowget it!' Sir Bert slapped his player firmly across the cheek. 'We aw awl cwazy noooooooooooow!

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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by flipsix3:

So my mangerial team consists of a chicken, and Kim Jong Il from Team America?! icon_rolleyes.gif </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sounds about right. I think this may be even sillier than HDs Borat rip-off icon_biggrin.gif

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The day of the big day, the big game, the match of the season, the mother to end all mothers the..... it was time for the FMS Cup. Sponsored by Hartley Jam, with real strawberries. Are they saying other jams use fake ones?

The first leg was at Vartans, and Ingi Danielsson told his players to go out and win. 'We should gub this lot, they're pish. But of course we need to respect them blah de blah, but at the end of the day, if you lot don't win this, its 100 laps of the stadium.'

'Last time we vote you character of the year' WLKRAS muttered under his breath.

'You see, you should have voted me again' Dave Green butted in.

'FFS shut up' HD moaned, 'You're DEAD!'

The first line up for Ingi Danielsson's new team would be:

Terk; BrianW, Gino, Bobbev, Raptor; Wimb the Barman, Spav, Chesterfan2; WLKRAS, HD, Peacemaker7 Subs: Lionel Perez, Faramir, OMdave, Ell-G, Glamdring, attjen, Harlequin, -Xenon-, benny, SaC, King Jeff, displaced_seagul

It was impossible to know how they would play, but they would surely know a bit more about that after this match.

In the home dressing room, Clayton gave his own team instructions, 'Buck-buck SQUAK-buck-Squak*'

'Mr Cwaton is saying, enjoy the match. This is onwy a pweseason fweindly so don't wowwy too much about the wesult.**'

Clayton's first line up would be:

Soldout; Irishregan, James Lewis, haze13, Chonner; Blanklook, Caleyjag, Donners, Jim65; Flipsix3, Educated Hick Subs: Steve Wall, Bomjr, Richey, Mavericktango, Lord Crumb, Flann O'Brien, Andrew Downing, Bagpuss, Jack South, binny, Silverfox, Pickles

The match, being as it was the first of the season and the first competitive match these guys had ever played together, was fairly dull in the early stages. Soldout was forced into a save from WLKRAS on 14 minutes, and then PM7 fired in a superb freekick which Soldout managed to turn round the post. On 16 minutes, BrianW picked up a knock and had to go off to be replaced by -Xenon-. On 20 minutes, Flipsix3 got his sides first real chance of the game, and slowly but surely it was starting to warm up.

Spav put an effort just over the bar and the Raptor saw a shot go wide and it was becoming clear the visitors were by far the superior side. -Xenon also had an effort as the half reached the end, before PM7 and WLKRAS combined to set up HD and the chubby striker easily slotted the ball home from two yards.

PM7 was causing mayhem on the left wing as the second half got underway, and once more his cross split the Vartans defence only for WLKRAS to head over the bar. Git. PM7 himself sent an effort over the bar and it was hard to remember there was actually another team.

With an hour gone, HD and Gino were taken off to give a run out to attjen and Faramir. Eight minutes from time, another devasting PM7 cross once more found WLKRAS int he box, and this time the right winger found the target to seal an easy away win and practically hand the FMS Cup to Olme with the 2nd leg to come at home.

After the match, Danielsson congratulated his players whilst Clayton told his lot they were crap and they better pull their socks up. So much for enjoying the match then.

(* try to imagine the noises a chicken makes. After all, Clayton is (or was rather, cos I'm sure we all are him after the UCMS1 escape) a chicken.)

(**Sir Bert Merton is an upperclass English toff and what I'm twying to convey here is that silly lisp they all have, like Jonafon Woss, only much much posher. Sorry if he sound asian, its not easy!)

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The 2nd leg was as eagerly anticipated as a Jew in Palestine, and to prove it 111 people turned up at Olme's ground. Vartan were probably needing a miracle and 13 minutes in they got one, as Educated Hick proved that being blind is not a handicap in football as he sent his side into the lead. Certainly this was a much more competitive match, but perhaps that was because the Olme boys knew they had won and on 38 minutes Wimb the Barman fired in a spectacular effort to make sure and so despite only drawing 1-1 at home, Olme had done enough to lift the first ever FMS Cup and leave Flipsix3, Clayton and their ilk with egg all over their faces.

The Swedish Cup was interesting, but not for Vartan who were not invited to take part, which really just shows how pish they are. Olme meanwhile had a first round match with Timra at home, and goals on the 11th and 18th minute for Peacemaker7 made the way to the 2nd round that bit smoother. Three minutes from halftime, HD added a third and the second half was simply a matter of playing out time which the players did. The 2nd round was at home to Superettan side Assyriska. This should of course be a much tougher match, and in the end thats how it panned out. Five hundred and thirty nine people turned up to see their heroes fight bravely but go down by 2-0 and there would be no Cup glory for Ingi Danielsson this season.

Away from club football, and both Andorra and San Marino had friendly matches to play. Clayton took his San Marino side to Denmark and they ended up wishing they hadn't bothered. Denmark are a class, silky footballing side, the FMS lads certainly are not and it was only a surprise that the final score was kept at 6-0 to the Danes. There wasn't one single San Marino player who stood out and with Germany the next match in the first of the Euro 2008 Qualifiers, it looks like there could be yet another drubbing on the cards, and it might be time to revisit the world record scoreline.

For Andorra, there was a home match with Poland. It must have been a strange thing for the 887 Andorrans who turned up to see a bunch of strangers posing as their players. Quite literally. For all the Andorran players, this was the first time they had ever set foot in the country and they were not really made to feel overly welcome. Poland also were in no mood to be charitable as they strolled to a comfortable 3-0 win. HD was red carded after 55 minutes and will now miss the Euro opener with England.

Which might be a blessing in disguise. For HD.

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The day of the big kick off arrived, and the players felt a bit strange to be playing on a Thursday. But that was the way of things in the strange land of Swe-den and they just had to get on with it. Except Olme, who for this week only, would be starring at a show near you on Saturday. For Vartan though, a trip to Goteborg to play Finlandia was their reward for having apparantly gained promotion last season. As usual Clayton gave a rousing speeching of bucks and coos and then the side, listening intently to their manager's instructions, went out and with just five minutes gone gave away the lead, albeit from the penalty spot.

'That was not what we wanted' Bert Merton shouted furiously at the players as Clayton flapped about the dug out in an agitated state, until the 4th official came over and asked Merton to please remove his pet inside.

'How DAWE you insult the glowious Mistuw Clayton! This..... THIS, is ouw managew! I will have you for wacism, bwatant wacism!'

Meanwhile, the match went on and although they were being outplayed in a large way, the reduction to ten men of Finlandia just seconds after taking the lead was having an effect. Slowly but surely Vartan were getting into the match and seven minutes from half time Flipsix3 fed a neat ball to right winger Blanklook who casually slotted the ball home and at half time the sides were level. Merton was happy, Clayton was squawking, and everything was much more rosy now as the sides headed out for the second half.

Three minutes into that half, Flipsix3 stole the ball from a dithering defender on the edge of the area, tried to dribble past another defender, the ball come off his shin, breaking off the defenders shin and then richoteting back to Flipsix3 who somehow toepoked the ball beyong a keeper who was rooted to the spot. It was one of the craziest goals you'll ever see, but they all count and Flippers was, of course, a very happy little bunny. Fifteen minutes later he was not so happy as Finlandia's ten men pulled level and when ten minutes from time the home side took the lead, there was uproar in the Vartan dugout. A defeat to 10 men is never good, especially when you are leading, but on the bright side, Clayton laid an egg. Which didn't please Bagpuss.

'I won't be managed by a woman!' He squealed as he ran off to his rubber wife.

Two days later, Olme welcomed Sparvagen, the owners of the Spar range of shops, and although the first half was a struggle, late goals from that classic duo of PM7 and HD ensured all three points went Ingi Danielsson's way and he at least was happy. The following Thursday, Olme had their first away league match, facing up to Haningealliansen, who as you might expect, don't have that many club songs with their name in. You trying sing we are Haningealliansen, we are Hann... oh feck it.

Andreas Olhman sent the hosts into a ninth minute lead, proving that Olme were not going to get things all their own way. Which was ridiculous. HD soon put paid to that theory with a fine goal on 23 minutes and four minutes after the break WLKRAS bagged the winner. A solid start for an Olme side who have laid down their credentials as early promotion contenders.

Vallentuna provided the entertainment for the Vartan fans in their first competitve home match of the season. It was important to win this game, not just for the fans, but two losses on the trot this early would leave the side floundering and Bert Merton didn't like Flounders. No problems then as Flipsix3 lived up to his bame by hitting the back of the net four times - and by scoring four goals as well - and jim65 proved that even bit part characters can occassionaly get a good line as he bagged a fifth and a five one win was just what the doctor ordered.

The players though wondered just how the hell they were going to keep Flippers quiet for the rest of the week...

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