Chester Zoo, Free Pies And A 25 Point Deduction! (FMS Characters)

[HorusFM]

There was a change of plan with this. It will mainly follow the same plot format as Spav's Olympiakos effort and mark wilson27's numerous sign ups. I originally asked for signing ups, but if they aren't to be staff members, then players won't need to as I will randomly assign them just as Spav did. Hope you enjoy anyway! Played on FM10 with slightly modified database for staff and board members as well as club information. Only meant as a bit of fun, and if I portray you indecently, then I've done well!

*****

In a forum far, far away sit many men, who know nothing of the world outside of their internet home. Many would say that they sit and discuss all things trivial, and those people would be right. Whether it be Terk discussing all things finer than Liverpool, The Perfect Fm’er purposely setting up arguments with Terk over all things finer than Liverpool, or Tenthreeleader and stoehrst discussing American sports that most can’t grasp the rules of, then it has been talked about.

One day though, they became ambitious (yes, you're reading correctly). You’d be right for wondering how ambition and FMS go together, the most ambitious any FMS’ers have been would be mark Wilson27’s trip through Iran via a strange camel* or Terk’s FMS X-Factor (which gavrenwick should rightly win).

“Ever so slightly off-topic here,” muttered gavrenwick, desperate to talk about something other than NFL, “But have you guys seen the news regarding Chester City?”

viperk1 frowned, “Of course. I saw it on BBC News. Shocking how so many clubs are in financial trouble right now,” he replied.

“Yeah, but have you seen THIS piece of news?” said gavrenwick, before linking him to something on BBC. It took a few moments before he replied.

“One pound?!” exclaimed viperk1, “If I had enough cash I would.”

“Surely you have a pound? Sadly the new owner needs to be able to prove that he can pay off the debt that is outstanding for HM Revenue.”

“Well, that is a bummer.”

gavrenwick sighed. It would have been mega fun to have owned a football club. Or at least be part of it. Everyone has dreams. gavrenwick’s usually consist of Sienna Miller and Newcastle being a good team**, but this was a realistic dream. But a brainwave came to him (his first since 1998) like the kind of thoughts you get when you’re drunk. This thought was on a par with the ‘I thought I could jump that fence...’.

“Let’s post it on FMS! We could surely make the money up by getting others involved.”

viperk1 rolled his metaphorical internet eyes, “You seriously think that the members of FMS could raise twenty six thousand pounds to buy Chester City and save them?”

“Why not?”

“It’s preposterous, but I dare you to ask anyway.”

“Deal.”

And with that our intrepid hero*** (only of the idea, mind), set off to post on FMS. How would his co-writers take it? Would they laugh him away like the idea of Liverpool signing Benjani?

“Slightly off-topic here guys, but me and viperk1 have come to a magical conclusion. FMS could by Chester City! They are available to buy for just one pound, providing the new owners can secure the club by paying off the twenty six thousand pounds worth of debt. FMS could own Chester City FC. Sadly I myself have only three pound fifty four, so some donations would be welcome!”

It didn’t take long for a response to flicker on, “I’ll put the pound in! But after that, I’m skint!” said an excited Celtic_1967.

It wasn’t the start gavrenwick had hoped for.

* The incident was splashed all over the news, Mark becoming a national hero for his disregard of Iranian Camel customs.

** The two never usually combine. Unless she is wearing a Newcastle shirt. No-one wants the monstrous face of Gutierrez invading their dreams.

*** The term 'intrepid hero' is to be used loosely when describing any of the FMS members.

[Elrithral]

Good start gav, you should have included Sienna as your wife.

[CAFCIan75]

Good luck raising the cash to buy Chester Gav, I'll chip in a fiver!

[Celtic_1967]

I like this already. Wonder what jobs we'll get.

[Dalbeider]

Pratchett-style footnotes? I'm sold!

[Panpardus]

Nice start Gav

[HorusFM]

Thank you for the response guys.

*****

As the conversation hadn’t started too greatly, a greater plea was debated in his mind. However, the second plea would have sounded desperate, so gavrenwick let it sit for awhile. Eventually, some common sense piped up.

“I’d say I’d donate $100, but that amounts to about two pounds sterling*,” offered stoehrst.

Okay, I say common sense, but I mean half-hearted attempts of assistance. It seemed that the plan was already doomed to failure. But gavrenwick tried his best to see the positives in his plan.

“Well, combine what I have and what Celtic offered plus stoehrst’s dollars; it puts us just under the £6 mark. Only £25, 995 to go!”

viperk1 frowned. gavrenwick just needed the people to be truly interested, he needed to reel them in, and get their true attention. It eventually came in the form of a clever Singaporean.

“Do you do PayPal gav?” asked BenArsenal before he asked the killer question, “What would we do with the club anyway?”

gavrenwick smiled to himself. This is where it would all begin. Celtic_1967 spoke first, “We could ourselves contracts and have a real life FMS Rejects**!”

“Rename it FMS United and play for them, of course!” offered WLKRAS, before slumping back into his quiet stupor. gavrenwick couldn’t help but get excited. People were finally getting on the bandwagon.

“Exactly! Don’t you see the valiant plan I’m trying to lay to you here?!” There were a couple of exchanged glances between some of the forum users, before gavrenwick continued. “This is something that if we put our minds to, we can complete. Don’t you imagine a future where we can be part of what we write? This in itself may become an FMS story one day! The whole prospect of FMS FC is an awesome one! Let’s do it!”

Sadly, the whole pride speech didn’t work. There was no reply as everyone seemingly ignored the moment. gavrenwick sighed once more. It wasn’t going well. “And by the way, Ben, I do willingly accept payments over PayPal,” he said, before attempting a different approach, “And come on guys! We could rename the team, and we could then get Sports Interactive to sponsor us. And then we could go on a truly terrific cup journey in which we can beat all the easy sides like... Liverpool.”

The comment brought a quiet but well heard snigger from tenthreeleader before a grunt from Terk. It did however drag him into the conversation. “Well all I have to my name at the moment is £29.39 but I need £2.40 for my bus fare in the morning. Therefore I can offer you £26.99 in to the pot. On one condition.”

“Which would be?”

“I call goalkeeper.”

Gavrenwick smiled to himself, “That would be fine Terk. We’ve always had big goalkeepers in football, you know, like Neville Southall.”

Terk frowned, “You calling me fat***?”

“Of course not!” replied gavrenwick, before coughing and then hiding. The whole idea took a bad turn though when a Chester fan defender appeared.

“Chester fans have feelings you know!” yelled canvey!!, “You can’t just go and ruin their club any more than it already is!!”

The whole mood turned sombre. canvey!! was right, they couldn’t just go defacing someone’s club like that. gavrenwick attempted to defend his idea by offering canvey!! an important role.

“You can be the manager!”

But his saviour would come in the form of an unlikely American, “There is no such thing as a Chester fan****,” said stoehrst with a sly smile on his face. That was one problem solved.

A new user popped up with his monetary offer, “I have £1.86 at the moment, but despite getting paid tomorrow, after my direct debits leave my account on Monday, I’ll be back on £1.86. Would you like that? Married life, children and mortgages for the win,” said Elrithral.

They were back to square one.

* This is not a true statement. It has been known that $100 can convert to at LEAST £3.50, though these claims are as yet unsubstantiated.

** FMS Rejects was a story by mark wilson27 as he recruited many FMS’ers into his side in order to be successful. They truly aren’t and continue to incite debates and fights over the starting 11.

*** This is unknown in truth. The conversation itself is said to be sealed in a book bound for Hell, never to be spoken otherwise to incur the wrath of an infraction.

**** These are rumoured to be fabled creatures, lost in the sands of time, but as of yet, no record of a real life Chester City supporter exists.

[SCIAG]

If this wins Funniest Story, there will have been Chester City references in three consecutive funniest story winners.

[Celtic_1967]

It should win funniest story based on just the first 2 posts!

[HorusFM]

Thanks guys!

*****

Things still weren’t looking up for gavrenwick. No-one had any money, and he had thoroughly expected someone to have more than a pound available for such a venture. Seems the rumours of mark wilson27’s vodka enterprise* were all lies. The-Perfect-Fm’er made the situation no better with his ten pence worth.

“I have a fiver in my wallet! I call striker!”

Gavrenwick needed some big bucks for this to work. Eventually a saviour came his way. SCIAG.

“I assume that right now is the moment where you want someone with no debts to throw in most of the money, like £22,000?”

“I wouldn’t mind,” piped gavrenwick in response.

“Well as much as it pains me to say that while I have no debts, I also claim no proper job, and I don’t feel my wife would enjoy seeing our last £3000 disappear,” replied SCIAG, watching as gavrenwick sighed before delivering his finale, “However. If I am given the assurance of a contract of £100,000 a week – merely a pound a minute- and a majority in the shareholding, then I would be willing to put up my £3000. As part of the deal, I will send my wedding ring to PostalGold.com**.”

canvey!! Laughed, “She would especially hate seeing her money disappearing considering you have only been married, what, two months?”

“I’m glad you’re keeping track,” replied SCIAG, “Next time I forget, I shall ask you.”

“Are you telling me you aren’t?”

“canvey!! my friend, I don’t even know what colour pants I wore yesterday, let alone the exact amount of time I’ve been married.”

“I bet your anniversary will go swimmingly,” chuckled canvey!!.

Despite the half hearted assurance of the £3000, things once more fell into a downward spiral.

“I will donate a fiver providing I can have a position of some authority. My football skills are awful, though I can keep running if the moment requires it. That would make me the Dirk Kuyt of Chester.”

“I heard Dirk Kuyt was born in Chester***,” muttered mark wilson27.

SCIAG frowned, “You also think camels are stalking you.”

“They are!” yelled the M&S employee of the month.

The looks of disdain on the faces of all FMS members was plain to see. mark wilson27 was surely imagining things or on the jaffa cakes again.

“SCIAG, with your £3000 I’m certain we could propose it to HM Revenue. Maybe we would then get longer to raise the rest.”

SCIAG shook his head, “I’m sorry but that money is invested for us in our marriage.”

Stoehrst looked at SCIAG and smirked, “Marriage isn’t an investment. Unless you sell your wife to an Egyptian or trade her for a camel.”

“Stop mentioning camels!” muttered mark Wilson 27 before logging out and heading to Markeaton Fish Bar to drown his sorrows.

“Do you seriously think that the creditors will hold off if we put forward a pre-payment?” asked BenArsenal, seemingly intrigued by it all.

“I don’t see why not,” replied gavrenwick, “We should at least find out!”

And with that, our heroes set off in search of information, something they hadn’t done since they were at school. If indeed any of them ever went.

* The vodka factory was closed down on suspicions of illegal Russians working and drinking there. Mark denied the allegations, but was closed down anyway.

** PostalGold.com is responsible for adverts that in some instances, have bored people to death. Investigation is ongoing.

*** This is fact. Dirk Kuyt is Chester through and through, like some sort of Hollyoaks reject.

[mark wilson27]

Brilliant Gav, can't stop laughing

[SCIAG]

I didn't say about half of that. I should sue. At least then I'd get my £3000 back.

[HorusFM]

I didn't say about half of that. I should sue. At least then I'd get my £3000 back.

You don't need to. It isn't scripted. And I am ever so sorry to let you know that your money is unretrievable!

[Balthazars]

Suddenly I regret having mentioned that I might be willing to part with my life savings for this project on the condition of a contact to move to the UK and play. Please be nice, gav.

And more camel jokes. Mark wilson has a lot to answer for.

[HorusFM]

I couldn't go easy on you, Balth!

*****

As we return to our heroes, we see that they have gotten no further in their quest to raise funds for Chester City.

“I’d love to chip in for Chester City,” offered WLKRAS, “But seeing as I got married in August and bought a house in December, I’m not particularly rolling in money. To compete with that, my wife has an awful shoe habit* that I must continue to fund.”

“What kind of shoes?” asked Balthazars, a question that caught WLKRAS off guard.

“Do you want my honest answer? I have no god damn clue what kind they are. I offer the credit card**, she buys the footwear. That’s all I can say.”

“I’d laugh if she was just buying shed loads of handbags,” laughed viperk1.

WLKRAS shrugged off the remarks, “Just wait until you’re all married.”

“I’m not getting married,” muttered gavrenwick, “Women ruin things. Is there any chance we can return to the matter I proposed?”

“I think the whole idea of FMS Chester is legendary,” said Balthazars, “I do have a bit of cash saved up with the aim of buying a next in the next few years, but given the dodgy exchange rate, I’d be nowhere near the £26,000 mark!”

“Yes?” asked mark wilson27, having thought he heard his name.

“He meant mark, as in a mark, so you may go back to sleep,” muttered viperk1.

Distraught at having not been asked for, mark wilson27 returned to his quiet status dreaming up Trebles with Man Utd again. “Anyway Balth, what was the point in telling us that you had nowhere near the £26,000 margin?”

Balthazars smiled, “I do have some I can contribute, as I stated.”

“How much?”

“£4,000.”

Gavrenwick almost choked, “You serious?”

“Yep I am. But if we do this, and we move to the UK as don’t forget I don’t live there, what are we going to do for wages? We will need paying!”

“We will get wages of course!”

“But I thought that Chester City were bankrupt?”

“Fine,” muttered gavrenwick, before thinking up a response, “How does free pies and a trip to Chester Zoo sound?”

Mark wilson27 smiled, “You had me at pies.”

“Any particular flavour for you Mark? Like, say, camel**?” said Balthazars before laughing his own face off.

“No! Will you please stop mentioning the camels!”

“We can’t, Mark. People still don’t know what happened out there, and as we are such important friends to you, we feel it is right you tell us.”

“Go away and leave me alone,” he muttered in reply before logging out.

“So Gav, with everything we have discussed so far, how much cash do you have ready for the fund?”

“Roughly £7,100 I think. A quarter of the way there isn’t bad I suppose.”

And with that, our band of heroes had a starting point. It was a crap starting point, and a very desperate one, but at least they had it. They would now need to coax further people into this whole crackpot scheme, something that was easier said than done.

* A phenomena that women seem to experience every day. Every pair of shoes they see they must purchase, much like a child and sweets.

** A credit card is something that most men own and never see. It is well known to all that these contraptions are used to purchase shoes but as men only ever see the bills, it isn't a confirmed thing.

*** In no way is it condoned to create camel flavoured pies.

[m1234566778]

Very funny.

'Dirk Kuyt is Chester through and through'

[Saxonaitor]

This is great gav, I'm really loving the captions put at the bottom

[mark wilson27]

Bloody hilarious,

[BenArsenal]

Killer question.

Loving this.

[weeeman27bob]

Thanks guys!

*****

“I will donate a fiver providing I can have a position of some authority. My football skills are awful, though I can keep running if the moment requires it. That would make me the Dirk Kuyt of Chester.”

“I heard Dirk Kuyt was born in Chester***,” muttered mark wilson27.

Just leave my name out why don't you

I can also take on the role of team chanter if you'd like.

e.g.

He's big

He's fast

He takes it up the....

Actually on second thoughts probably not.

[Saxonaitor]

Just leave my name out why don't you

I can also take on the role of team chanter if you'd like.

e.g.

He's big

He's fast

He takes it up the....

Actually on second thoughts probably not.

If you want to tell us something weeeman go ahead

[SCIAG]

Just leave my name out why don't you

I can also take on the role of team chanter if you'd like.

e.g.

He's big

He's fast

He takes it up the....

Actually on second thoughts probably not.

We're here

We're queer

We don't want any more bears!

[HorusFM]

Loving the comments gentlemen. Hope it continues to make you chuckle.

*****

“There is another option,” stated tenthreeleader, seemingly drawing in the attention of all present before delivering the killer line*, “We could always take out a group business loan.”

“A what?” asked gavrenwick, who was simply knowledgeless on anything monetary or business like.

“A joint business loan. It would be a surefire way to raise the capital to fund our move for Chester.”

gavrenwick looked at viperk1 and smiled. He had done it; he had gotten people on board. They were now offering ideas and options. This was good.

“Do you think any bank would be willing to give us one?”

Tenthreeleader frowned, “I don’t see why not. It’s a perfectly viable venture business wise, no different to anything that other people put forward.”

“At least then my money would be safe,” muttered SCIAG, who was, and rightly, worried about his money.

Viperk1 shook his head, “It can’t be done like that tenthree. There is a winding up order out on the club. The money is needed soon.”

The mood returned quiet. FMS is the kind of habitat that has busy periods and quiet ones. It had now turned into a quiet one, pretty much until either The Perfect Fm’er logged on. Eventually someone spoke up, hopeful of finding a solution to the new problem.

“How many days do we have?” asked Balthazars as he tucked into his lunch.

“They are due to be up in just nine days.”

“Nine? Then we don’t have a prayer.”

As the members continued to talk on, gavrenwick sat deep in thought. Eventually, he had a fine, fine idea. “I’m off for awhile guys; I’ll be back on later.”

With that he left and immediately picked his phone up. After being pushed through several different operators, he finally reached the Chester City owner Stephen Vaughan Junior.

“Who is this?” he asked bluntly.

“You don’t know me but I...”

Vaughan cut him off mid sentence, “Then why do I need to talk to someone I don’t know? I have a football club to run,” he muttered.

“That’s why I want to talk to you. I want to buy it from you.”

His mood, and tone of voice, suitably changed, “Are you being serious? I hope this isn’t another prank call. I am in no mood for more of them asking to buy my club for a packet of crisps and a Mars Bar**.”

“No, it isn’t. I can promise you I am serious about this.”

“You do know that apart from the one pound you need to pay the HM Revenue costs?”

“Yes, Mr Vaughan. But that’s the problem.”

“I bet it is. Listen, I’ll get back in touch with you. Or not.”

“Please. Listen. I will buy the club from you now for a pound. From there, please give me the nine days that are left before the court appearance to make up the remaining £26,000.”

Vaughan went quiet. “If you’re serious about this, then you better come down to Chester, and soon. If I like you, which I am not promising, then I will give what will the eight days remaining to make up the rest of the cash.”

Gavrenwick threw his fists into the air, before doing a jiggy dance. The phone line however got crackly as Vaughan must have been travelling, “I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“Don’t mess me around, Mr?”

“Renwick.”

“What?”

“Renwick.”

“Say that again?”

“RENWICK.”

“Whatever. Just email me.”

"Kiss my backside, wise ass," muttered gav before he ended the call.

"I heard that, you little..."

Thankfully, the line cut out. But somewhere on a train in the Pennines***, a football club owner just got a plethora of weird looks.

* Killer lines are something that tenthreeleader is too bloody good at. His stories have sent way too many out, forcing people to be strung along like it's a drug.

** This is a jab at Mike Ashley from another chairman. No-one likes the large, pie munching (not camel of course) moaning sod. When he originally attempted to sell the club a few years back, he was offered meaningful deals by Sunderland fans such as a curly wurly and some crisps.

*** The Pennines are a mythical land in which footballers of the night lurk (Wayne Rooney).

[HorusFM]

“I’ve done it!” exclaimed gavrenwick as he returned to the FMS world. Everyone frowned at him, confused by the outburst.

“Done what?” asked Salkster2102, “Found your John Thomas?”

“That is extremely harsh,” said tenthreeleader with a serious face, “But hilarious.”

Salkster bowed, “Thank you. So, what have you actually done?”

“Your mother,” replied gavrenwick, smiling at his excellent response, “I called the Chester chairman. Providing everything goes well tomorrow, I will own Chester for a pound.”

“But what about the other £26,000?” asked swagat sinha, new on the block and to the whole idea.

Gav frowned, “That’s where the trouble is. We will have eight days to raise it.”

Well that was it. Everyone just laughed. And not at the size of salkster’s head*.

“You serious? It can’t be done.”

Gavrenwick smiled, “It just so happened that I have come up with a plan.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“I think we should make an FMS calendar, that we could sell to raise funds to other SI forum users.”

“What kind of calendar?”

“Isn’t Calendar a Yorkshire news and weather show?” asked viperk1.

“Everyone shut up,” mumbled gav, “We could do a naked one, and sell it to women.”

You could have heard a pin drop, had everyone been together in person. One can only imagine the look on Terk’s face.

“You what?”

“We could pose nude for a calendar, 12 people, 12 months, 12 naked men holding a boxed version of FM10 to cover their private parts.”

“Gav,” said Offspring8.

“Yes?”

“Think up a new god damn plan.”

“Pft, I thought it would have worked.”

“You just wanted to see us naked**,” laughed Perfect Fm’er.

“The whole idea of raising money like that would work though,” offered tenthree, “It would be kind of like a charity.”

“He does have a point,” agreed SCIAG. “But yeah, scrap the calendar idea. It’s almost freakish.”

Gavrenwick laughed to himself, “Deal. But you know, you aren’t telling me you don’t want to show women what you’ve got.”

“I’m not sure my wife would be impressed,” smiled SCIAG.

“Unless it was her that bought it. Anyway, ideas anyone?”

Everyone went quiet. “Let’s get sponsored for something!” said BenArsenal, almost falling off his chair in excitement.

“Like what?”

Everyone laughed before the idea came to a head. It was going to work. All the feeblest minds in the world couldn’t stop them***. “Let’s get sponsored by family and friends to do the naked calendar!” yelled Salkster.

People frowned at him, his excitement over naked male friends just too much to bear. One voice piped up from the back, “I sure as hell aren’t doing,” muttered JamboJen before smiling, “But I will be the photographer.”

* Salkster2102's head is not as big as made out. Though due to living in the same city, gavrenwick can see Salk's head from his house on a windy day.

** Simply not a true statement.

*** Feeble men encompass the world. They are the ones upon who our futures rest. Worrying indeed.

[Celtic_1967]

Gav this is my favourite story on here currently.

[Offspring8]

Funniest post so far - the 'your mum' comeback (always a classic among us teens ), Terk's simple statement of 'You what?' after the calendar and the final remark about seeing Salksters head from your window on a windy day make it possibly the most enjoyable post I've read to date classic, keep it coming

[swagat sinha]

Brilliant! Thoroughly enjoyable.

I have a plan (without posing naked ). Let's sell our FM games to clubs, earn money and buy Chester!

No? OK. (sits back down grumpily)

[BenArsenal]

Naked calendar?

*head in hands*

[mark wilson27]

Need more than one box of FM10 to cover my privates lol (Thought I'd be the first to say that)

[salkster2102]

Had to laugh at this gav even though it is aimed at me! If my head is so big wait till you see the size of my d*ck

[WLKRAS]

I don't think anyone will sponsor a naked calendar that contains me. Hell, my wife would probably sponsor to save the world from having to see that

[Balthazars]

Had to laugh at this gav even though it is aimed at me! If my head is so big wait till you see the size of my d*ck

Way, way, way, way, way too much information, lads!

[Dalbeider]

Had to laugh at this gav even though it is aimed at me! If my head is so big wait till you see the size of my d*ck

What, you have a giant duck? I'm sure with the foie you could get from it you could buy Chester and part of the surrounding countryside!

[SCIAG]

Had to laugh at this gav even though it is aimed at me! If my head is so big wait till you see the size of my d*ck

What, you have a giant deck? I'm sure if you charged people £5 an hour to sunbathe on it, you could buy England and a bit of Scotland! Though obviously Scotland is terrible value for money.

[BenArsenal]

Had to laugh at this gav even though it is aimed at me! If my head is so big wait till you see the size of my d*ck

What, you have a giant dock? I'm sure with all the shipping traffic you get, there's enough money to buy out the entire world!

(And a triple high-five to Dal and SCIAG)

[Terk]

Had to laugh at this gav even though it is aimed at me! If my head is so big wait till you see the size of my d*ck

What, you have a giant dick? Good for you.

[Offspring8]

Ha, touche Terkaldinho, I just had to comment on how funny that really was :D

[swagat sinha]

Ha ha! Terk totally owns Salk.

[salkster2102]

Not really he was just stating facts

[BenArsenal]

I just collapsed over in laughter....

[SCIAG]

That was actually quite good. Could have done with "tiny", though.

[Dalbeider]

That was actually quite good. Could have done with "tiny", though.

We could always get a mod to stealth-edit it in. Not that I'm giving anyone ideas or anything .

[HorusFM]

Thank you for the comments gentlemen.

*****

Stephen Vaughan Junior was a scary man. Gavrenwick felt truly inferior to a man sat next to him that looked like he wanted to hurt him. Lots.

“You better not be wasting my time. Because trust me, I will feed you to the turtles* in Chester Zoo, and then take your pound anyway.”

Gavrenwick frowned at the slightly peculiar threat, “You have my word.”

“Is there anything in place for raising the money?”

“We’re going to do a naked calendar."

“You big jessy.”

“Does this mean that I own your club for eight days then? Unless I can get the money.”

Vaughan pushed the contract across the table, “Yes. Now sign it. I want to go home and gaggoogitty** my wife.”

Gavrenwick frowned again at the choice of words, before picking up the pen and signing.

“I now own your soul!” laughed Vaughan Junior before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Gavrenwick came out of his own thoughts, realising Vaughan was giving him odd looks.

“Get on with it and sign, you dingbat.”

Gav signed it and then handed it back to Vaughan, “There you go. I’ll get back in touch soon.”

“I hope so Mr Renwick, or them turtles will be getting a special meal.”

With that, he left and gavrenwick headed back home. To FMS. Where he practically lives these days. Upon his return, he was greeted by mark Wilson27 and swagat sinha.

“We want places in the calendar, Gav. Please please please.”

Gavrenwick smiled to himself, “Thats okay, I had already planned on including you Mark. I think your picture should be taken at the Markeaton Fish Bar.”

A tear came to Mark’s eye, “It sounds beautiful.”

“Swag you can be in too. I have got December and May left.”

“May please.”

“Deal. Anyway, I must get on.”

Gavrenwick watched as the conversations went on regarding this whole scheme. It had come along excellently. Terk had reservations about the calendar though. “Do you think it will sell enough?”

“Nope. But I have a contingency plan.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“Nope.”

Terk frowned, “Fineee. Infraction it is.”

Gavrenwick laughed, “Go for it. Misuse of power? You’ll be gone quicker than Nixon***.”

Shocked at being put in his place, Terk went quiet like a dog that had been put in its place after having the run of the house for too long. Except there was no dog. And this was FMS.

JamboJen logged on and began mocking the boys, “Well, well boys. You got any of these calendar pictures done yet?”

Everyone went quiet. Except for tenthree and Celtic, who were once more discussing all things Glaswegian. “Title for the Hoops this season?” said Celtic grinning.

“Second in the table? Yes, sounds right for Celtic. Think we will have the cups, too. Thanks very muchly,” replied tenthree without even looking up at his computer argument opponent.

Terk laughed, “Or Hearts could steal in for it.”

Both tenthree and Celtic laughed, “Now who’s being delusional?”

* Truly ferocious creatures are turtles.

** Gaggoogitty is a real word that was created by sex pest legend Glenn Quagmire.

*** In all truth, it would be nigh on impossible for it to be quicker than Nixon's exit. Terk, however, does mis-use power and is under investigation by Miles Davis.

[HorusFM]

“You will NOT go through with this stupid plan of yours!”

Miles Davis was less than impressed. He was as furious as a turkey that had just found out it was going to be Christmas Dinner. Gavrenwick had needed to approach him over permission to use the FM10 DVD boxes for the calendar, and he had suitably thrown the plan right out of the window.

“Why not though? It would be excellent advertisement for you.”

“How?! It would deface the name of our company, the game itself, and make a mockery of us all. Like I said, find another way.”

“No, I will not.”

“Are you not listening?”

“Nope. Can’t you tell?”

“Do you love FM Mr Renwick?”

“Yes, I do.”

“And you’d be prepared to deface it with your filthy idea?”

Gavrenwick smiled to himself, “Yeah, I am. There is one other option.”

Davis pulled a face of optimism, “I’m listening.”

“Pay us to NOT do it.”

“Are you kidding me? How much? Will a hundred quid do it?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of twenty six grand.”

Davis almost choked. He began to laugh hysterically like a hyena on speed before composing himself, “You’re serious,” he muttered. “I’ll get it sorted. One thing Mr Renwick.”

“Yes?”

“Get the hell out of my office, you filthy mudblood*.”

“Did you just call me a mudblood?”

“Yes, I did. Problem?”

“You do realise that they don’t exist?”

“Of course they exist. Harry Potter is a factual based biography.”

“You’re insane.”

“And you’re a mudblood. Now get out!”

As gavrenwick turned to leave the office, he glanced back at Miles Davis. He only realised at that point that he was wearing a robe and his pen resembled a wand.

“Are you pretending to be a wizard, Miles**?”

“No! I’m going to a Harry Potter convention!”

“I think I’m dreaming,” muttered gav, before leaving.

As he made his way back to FMS world, he stumbled across mark wilson27, swagat sinha and ScottleeSV. They were stood stark naked with JamboJen taking pictures of them for the calendar. Gavrenwick smiled to himself, “Good news, guys. You don’t need to do this now.”

JamboJen frowned, “Fine. But I’m selling these photos to the highest bidder***.”

“Good luck with that,” said gav before logging off. At that point though, he woke up. It had been a dream, like another crappy episode of Dallas! Nothing of the encounter with Miles Davis had really occurred.

But there, on the bedside table, was a cheque for £26,000. Hollyoaks, I mean Chester, won’t know what’s hit it.

* "Mudblood" is a derogatory term for a Muggle-born wizard or witch; that is, individuals with no wizarding parents or grandparents. Example; Compare Saruman (magical evil leader) with Gordon Brown (mudblood evil leader).

** Miles Davis is NOT a wizard. If he does however turn into one, I have full copyright over him.

*** eBay eventually banned the photos from being sold, but whilst they were auctioned the only person to receive a bid was mark wilson27, at 67p.

[Balthazars]

You have a sick, twisted mind gav. I love it.

[swagat sinha]

Boohoo! Didn't get a bid. Need to start working out

[Saxonaitor]

It's because I'm Aussie isn't it gav

Keep it up loving the strange but hilarious characters.

[SCIAG]

Miles Davis? He has the same first name as Miles Jacobson, the alien from Mars in charge of Sports Interactive, creators of Football Manager!

[HorusFM]

Chester City actually belonged to FMS. Could you imagine it? The club, however, had released all of its players. That was common, and was set upon to relieve the wage budget for the coming season and allow FMS to build their own squad.

“We need to rename the stadium,” said tenthree, “It would be an excellent way to show our intent. You do realise we are going to be laughed off?”

“Of course we are. Players aren’t going to want to join an unknown regime such as ours. The club has only two players left on its books,” replied SCIAG.

“Who?”

“Two loanees; Adam Kay and Chris Lynch. We need players, and fast.”

“I have the perfect solution,” offered gavrenwick.

“Which would be?”

“FMS play for them.”

“Are you kidding? Because that sounded like a fine joke right there,” muttered ScottleeSV.

“I mean it. And anyone who doesn’t want to play can be staff members et cetera.”

“He’s got a point. There is a friendly in four days against Droylsden and we have no team!”

“We could cancel it?” said Saxonaitor.

“Nah, we need to play it. We need to show the fans we have everything under control.”

“Yeah but the problem is that we don’t,” muttered JamboJen.

“Yeah well we don’t tell them that!” laughed gavrenwick.

“How many FMS members have managed to make it to Chester so far?”

“Erm, give me a second to count,” said Saxonaitor, before stopping, “What number comes after five?”

Tenthree, SCIAG and JamboJen just exchanged glancing looks of disbelief. “Six you dingbat.”

Sax nodded before continuing, “Thirteen FMS players and the two loanees.”

“That should be enough for the match against Droylsden then.”

“Yeah I don’t see why not. Well then, you lot had better go and get ready for your first ever game. I’ll look forward to seeing Droylsden tear you apart like a bear would.”

Tenthree piped up before everyone left, “Seeing as I am the leader of all things tenthree, I say we call the stadium, Stadium of Imagination. You know, after our FMS heritage?”

“Heritage? We aren’t bloody ancestral FMS people. But I like the name, so I’ll say yes,” replied our new chairman, ScottleeSV.

Players to have joined so far;

Terk – GK – 27

Mark wilson27 – DL – 29

Saxonaitor – DL/C – 21

Gavrenwick – DL/DM/ML/C – 24

Faramir – DC – 20

Spav – DC/DM/MC – 19

Crouchaldinho – D/WBR – 24

Balthazars – DM/MC – 23

Swagat sinha – DM/MC – 23

Offspring8 – AMC – 22

Salkster2102 – ST – 26

Sherm – ST – 16

Tenthreeleader – ST - 31

[HorusFM]

11th July 2009: FMS Chester v Droylsden: Friendly

Stadium of Imagination

Squad:

GK – Terk

DR – Crouchaldinho

DC – Faramir

DC – Saxonaitor (Balthazars 45)

DL – mark wilson27

MR – Offspring8

MC – Spav

MC – swagat sinha

ML – gavrenwick

SC – Tenthreeleader (Sherm 45)

SC – salkster2102

It was a stunning start for this ragged band of misfit non-players, with an early corner from gavrenwick going straight into the goal to give his brainchild side a terrific lead. A fair few chances come over the half, salkster2102 with a great chance to double the lead, but despite timing his run to perfection, hit a long shot that would have made Buzz Aldrin proud as its height saw it leave the atmosphere quicker than Apollo11. Droylsden fathom a chance eventually, a poor Saxonaitor tackle gifting them the ball, but Terk was happy to see the ball drag wide. Terk is almost soiling his pants a minute later when he makes the sensationally wise decision to come off his line, Sorvel attempting to lob him but only finding the roof of the net. The equaliser does eventually come, a cross from Smith not picked up by Saxonaitor, allowing striker Beck to head past a wildly flapping Terk. Half time arrives with the score level.

The second half begins with the removal of injured pair Tenthreeleader and Saxonaitor, the latter probably ashamed of hopeless interception that even Bramble would be able to have done. Balthazars and Sherm replace the hapless duo. An immediate goal is brought, just like the first half. A cross from gavrenwick goes wayward and is cleared, allowing Sinha to pick the ball up in the centre and crack a 40 yard effort past the keeper. Sensational goal for someone who has never played. This seems to allow the floodgates to open, and they certainly do. A crossfield run by Offspring8 allows him to set up salkster2102, who instead of shooting, flicks the ball to Sherm who leathers a first time volley past the keeper. The chances continue to come for FMS Chester, who look safe now, gavrenwick and salkster2102 forcing saves from the Bloods’ keeper, while mark wilson27 sent a 20 yard effort out of the stadium. Droylsden grab a late consolation goal with a terrific team effort that ends with Leadbetter barging past the onrushing Terk and slotting into an empty goal.

FMS Chester FC 3 gavrenwick 3, swagat sinha 46, Sherm 56

Droylsden 2 Beck 45, Leadbetter 90

Lessons Learned: Terk has a real ability at stopping anything that comes into his goal; a major problem for a goalkeeper. mark wilson27 cannot shoot. Salkste2102 isn't selfish, but also cannot head a ball, which is surprising for someone with such a big forehead.