A Utopian Paradise (Sign-up)

[swagat sinha]

Note: Played on FM 10 with patch 10.2.0 with a lot of editing. Players and managers were shifted to a newly created country in Europe called Utopia, and slotted into teams after an auction.

Find the auction thread here:

http://forums.sigames.com/showthread.php?t=189071

All of the story from my part will be done in the form of news reports, including match reports. You can post yourself as well, if you want to add any subplot, or tell us more about the character, slang mud on the rivals, make rivals. Basically, have fun.

[swagat sinha]

Cyborg General Declares Independence

April 1, 2009

In a sensational development, a cyborg General has declared himself the ruler of a new country. General Utopus, a cyborg developed in a military experiment, has declared himself the ruler of a new tract of land which rose out of the sea last week due to global warming. This land, just off the coast of England, has been gaining a lot of attraction as a tourist place lately due to the unusual circumstances of its creation. It is expected to gain a lot more attention now that the robotic General has declared it his fiefdom.

“It shall be called Utopia,” said the man-machine. “It will be a paradise free from all vices. No crime, no unpunished handballs, no errant referees, no clubs going into administration. It will be every footballer’s dream.” The general seemed keen to impress Utopia’s benefits to footballers, as he made a direct plea to them. “Footballers, managers, coaches of the world; I ask you to come over to Utopia and experience an adventure as never before. There is no infrastructure in place as of now. But very soon, I shall be bringing in someone far more experienced than me in running an operation of this sort. We will make it a whole new ball game, while retaining the old ball game!”

This development seems to have sent shockwaves around the entire footballing fraternity. Most players seemed reluctant to comment on this development, and said they’d wait for a decision from their respective FA’s. Diego Maradona, however, was quick to offer an opinion. “If this Utopus chap wants to put me in charge of the operations, I’d have to reluctantly turn it down. I think I’m onto a good thing here in Argentina, despite what you *@$%%^ media people say, and I won’t quit it for Utopia.”

Michel Platini had this to say, “With the ridiculous amounts of money being thrown about by the English clubs, this was waiting to happen. All of this is the Premier League’s fault!” he bellowed, before throwing a dart onto a Barclays Premier League dartboard and cackling maniacally.

We believe that the next few days will be keenly watched in footballing circles round the world. Only time will tell as to how serious Utopia and its ruler are about setting up a footballing paradise.

[swagat sinha]

Indian Cricket Administrator to Run Utopian League, Experts Sceptical

April 15, 2009

General Utopus, the eccentric ruler of Utopia announced the name of the person who would be the chief administrator for the planned Utopian Super League, and it is a shocker! Contrary to all expectations, Utopus has picked an Indian involved with the IPL to run the football operations in Utopia.

“I have full faith that Mr. Sinha will fulfill all our expectations regarding the Utopian League and run it in an exemplary manner. He has a good understanding of running a sporting organization, and surely will put it to good use here,” said a happy-sounding General Utopus, before ushering a puny, bespectacled man on to the stage.

“Good evening to all of you. My name is Swagat Sinha, and I’m delighted that I’ve been appointed the Commissioner of The Utopian Fantastic League, as we shall call it from now on. Let me assure you that the league is in good hands. I’ve planned for an auction; a grand affair with Bollywood dancers, singers, artists; something like we had in the IPL, to be held for the clubs, the players and the managers for the franchisees to take part in, and we shall be inviting the very best in the business for the same. It’s going to be amazing.”

“Mr. Sinha, Harry Harris. With your inexperience of footballing matters, how do you plan to get the best on board for this? And aren’t you scared that you’re going to scare the better ones off?”

“Mr. Harris, I can understand that with me coming from a cricketing perspective, you might find this disconcerting. Believe me when I say that the games are similar to each other once you get past the surfaces. Cricket has the Kumble Leg-break; Football has the Shawcross leg- break. Afridi hits sixes, while Domenech has everyone at sixes and sevens. But, to ensure excellence, I’ve decided that we’ll use the best clubs, managers and players according to Football Manager 2010, a game I’ve enjoyed for many years now. This will give us the best of the best and provide the spectators with an extravaganza they’ll never forget. Conference over, thank you very much.” Sinha then proceeded to shake hands with Miles Jacobsen, who had been mysteriously teleported on the scene after the name of his game was taken.

Footballing experts around the world, however, have not bought the enthusiasm being shown by Utopus and Sinha. The appointment of an inexperienced amateur seems to have dampened most spirits.

“Actually, I wanted to run their enterprise. General Utopus wanted me to be in charge, being the good friend he is. But I couldn’t let my UEFA work fall to the sidelines, you see. The Premier League is causing too much trouble for me to have left it alone,” Michel Platini said, while drinking himself senseless, poring over a newspaper report of Sinha’s unveiling. “I think I need a new dart board.”

[swagat sinha]

Sinha reveals his Utopian plans

May 1, 2009

In a press conference held here in Shangri-La, the capital of Utopia; the Commissioner of the Utopian Fantastic League, Swagat Sinha described the format and details of the league.

“For the domestic league, known as the Utopian Fantastic League, there will be 20 teams in the top league, with a regular home and away format followed like the top European leagues. Ties will be broken by number of wins; goals scored away, better disciplinary records in that order.

Sky Sports have been roped in as broadcasters and sponsors. They’re title sponsors for our league cup, which will be called the Sky League Cup. The Sky Cup will have the 20 teams of the UFL in 4 groups of 5 teams each. With home and away matches against each team in your group, every team will play 8 matches. The top 2 teams from every group will then go on to the quarter final stage, which will be two-legged again, as will be the semifinals. The final will be held in the newly constructed national stadium, FMS Park.

The final competition is the Knockout Cup, which will feature the 12 teams from the Utopian Second Division along with the 20 UFL teams. The 32 teams will go into a straight knockout fight, no replays, no home and away goals; just one match, one opportunity. We shall start off with the round of 32, round of 16, Quarter Finals, Semi Finals and finally, the Final in FMS Park. And before I forget, there will be cheerleaders! They will cheer for every goal your team scores, every foul the other team commits, any rough but legal tackle you hit, and so on. Glamour, glitz, giant-killing; this cup shall surely be a knockout!”

The commissioner also revealed that 20 franchises had already signed up to participate in the auctions. “Our valued partners come from all over the globe, from the USA to Russia, from Romania to Australia. They are all very excited to be a part of this revolutionary process and are looking forward to being on top of the chart once the league starts. The entire necessary infrastructure has been already built for the clubs, the top players have all been bought, coerced or threatened to join the league; and the referees are being trained better.”

Talking about the financial aspect, Sinha said “Most of the sponsors are already in place, with some being associated with the awards that we shall hand out at regular intervals as well. But all that will be revealed at an opportune time. The next press conference shall be held when the teams are ready. Thank You.”

It is rumored that Lehmann Brothers, the bankrupt financial firm is keen to get back in business by hopping on to the Utopian bandwagon, as is General Motors. As the footballing world waits with bated breath for the next piece of information coming out of FMS Park, we shall keep you updated about the same.

[tenthreeleader]

Swag, good luck with this. I'm sorry I couldn't sign up because time is really crunched for me and I didn't want to hold you back. I'm going to be an avid reader, though.

[Saxonaitor]

Liking this very much swag.

(That wink will mean to something to swag I'm sure.)

[fergysafc]

yay starting good job swag a lot of work into this

[JonnyGabriel]

Looking good so far, can't wait for the season to start.

[swagat sinha]

Utopian Teams Revealed: Part 1

June 15, 2009

The wait is finally over. Call it whatever you like: Super League, Mega League, or Mercenary League; it’s finally here. The teams have been announced: 20 mega-franchisees, each with a squad of 25 and a manager. We at The Utopian Football Observer will bring all the teams to you with our predictions for the season.

In Part 1, we cover Terkleton FC, Benfica Bombers, Australian Outbackers and Team AmericaNo:

Terkleton FC

Terkleton FC is a club owned by Jesse James. He is described as ‘the best thief who ever lived and was betrayed.’ He made millions of money and wanting to spend them the right way, moved to Utopia, buying this franchise under the name of James' Boys Ltd. He was one of the more free spenders during the auction. One odd thing we noted was that when Roberto Mancini’s name was being announced, he seemed to become tense before easing up. It is rumored this might be down to his hatred of a man called Robert Ford.

Key Buy: Cristiano Ronaldo (Mr. James wants to erase the letters CR9 from our collective conscience. Knowing him, we wouldn’t put him past him to try and steal the same).

UFO Verdict: We believe Terkleton FC has what it takes to be among the heavyweights to win the inaugural title. And we wouldn’t like to risk the fact that our editor’s name is Robert Henry Ford. So we’re going with a 2nd place finish.

Benfica Bombers

Hans Peterson is a vocal supporter of a movement for the independence of the north-eastern region of Utopia, although almost no one takes him seriously, considering Utopia was formed only a few months back. He sometimes believes himself to be William Wallace, and was heard shouting ‘Freedom’ even during the auction.

Chairman of Northeastern Positronics Inc, Hans was rumoured to have been interested in buying Barcelona, and his freedom pitch seems to have been created because he failed in that attempt. Peterson likes a good speech; unfortunately he lacks the capacity to deliver them himself. Expect him to be taking pointers from Marcelo Bielsa in the locker room.

Key Buy: Lionel Messi (Hans spent half of his budget on one player. Quite an incredible amount of expectations now rest on the Argentine).

UFO Verdict: They’ll certainly be in the top half come the end of the season. We’re going with a 8th place finish for the Bombers from Benfica.

Australian Outbackers

After the incredible success and fan following he garnered during the IPL, Shane Warne jumped at the chance to milk some more sporting adventures. Putting his heads together with his fellow Australian sportspersons (Mark Webber, Casey Stoner, Ian Thorpe and Tim Cahill), he wondered whether he should enter the Utopian League. All his doubts disappeared once he got to know that cheerleaders and free beer was going to be present in high quantities in UFL as well. Under the name of Global Sports Australia, these super sportsmen have decided to float an Australian team called the Australian Outbackers. Tim Cahill makes history by being a director and a player at the same club.

Key Buy: Michael Essien (The tireless midfielder is expected to run the operations of the club in the middle of the park).

UFO Verdict: Like the Rajasthan Royals, Australian Outbackers are built on solid, unglamorous workers. They have the capacity to spring a few surprises and will end in the top half. A 10th place from us.

Team AmericaNo

Team America-no, ironically, is owned by an Englishman. In his own words, Sir Jeffrey Robin reasoned that ‘If those bloody yanks can come to England and ruin our football clubs, it is only right that we try and do the same to them. Would you like some Coors beer?’ On being told that FMS America was originally a Mexican club and not American per se, Sir Robin said ‘Well, it’s still name after them, is it not! We haven’t forgotten Boston’s tea party yet! God save the Queen!’

Chairman of Robin You Finance, Sir Robin found his way into Utopia because of his propensity to spending a lot of money just for kicks. It’ll be interesting to see what his anti-America agenda will come to in Utopia, with a high number of Russians finding their way into his team.

Key buy: Wesley Sneijder (The Dutch midfielder can play anywhere in the midfield and is expected to be the spearhead of the team’s attacks).

UFO verdict: Despite having some good players; as a full squad, Team America-no falls a little short. We’re expecting them to finish in mid-table, specifically, in 12th place.

[JonnyGabriel]

Looking forward to a review of FMS Ajax.

[HorusFM]

Despite having some good players; as a full squad, FMS America falls a little short. We’re expecting them to finish in mid-table, specifically, in 12th place.

Lies! How dare you disregard Sir Jeff's side!

[swagat sinha]

Thanks guys, hope to keep it up. Tenthree, your readership in itself is a sign I'm doing something right Jonny, FMS Ajax up in the next post. Sir Robin, these views are from the UFO. I, as Commissioner of the league, do not necessarily hold the same views.

Utopian Teams Revealed: Part 2

June 19, 2009

In this second part, we look at Inter Incredibles, Milan Majestics and Arsenal Redux.

Inter Incredibles

Following an ownership struggle for Janessa Terroncel’s; Dwayne Fridge has come into the ownership of the company. Constantly in trouble with scandals because of his affection for the employees’ girlfriends/wives, he's a snide little person who looks to make as much money as possible. Overall, he's a class A twerp. Despite being a very talented businessman, he remains a huge miser. He is helped in running the company by his old friend Don Berry, who seems to have been a key force behind Terroncel’s entering football.

Key Buy: Carlos Tevez (The Argentine Dynamo can take apart defences on his own. With such a potent attacking force to help him out, he’ll surely be on hand to apply the final touches).

UFO Verdict: Inter is one of the front runners for the title. We believe they will score the maximum number of goals, but because of the slightly circumspect defence, they’ll finish 3rd.

Milan Majestics

Tommy Whitfield is a pimp. Probably the most shocking character in the league, even more than some players, Tommy happens to have something that many common street pimps don't: an MBA. Ridiculed for much of his career by his peers for being a very nerdy white boy in a gangster's world, he quickly transcended his rivals by created Sweet and Discreet Escorts, Inc, a publicly-traded call-girl company that has made him the 19th richest man in the world. Secretly, however, Tommy still yearns for the acceptance of his original street peers; thus he wears elaborate fur coats, massive hats, several pounds of gold, silver, and platinum jewelry, and drives a V12 Cadillac. He can be heard slipping in and out of street vernacular, usually going back to a more clipped and enunciated type of speech when he's flustered. Tommy is unconditionally terrified of other people's dirty socks. For ensuring his peers’ acceptance, Tommy has used his MBA education to come up with a formula that guided him towards UFL.

Key Buy: Andrea Pirlo (The Italian will be key to the team’s attack and defence. He almost has to be at 2 places all the time).

UFO Verdict: The squad lacks the punch needed to break into the top half. We expect them to finish in 11th place.

Arsenal Redux

Arse Corporation started out as a small company making cushions. Within a short time though, the cushions proved so popular due to their patented "arse cushioning technology, guaranteed to give your arse a good time", that the company became a global phenomenon, expanding rapidly and getting listed on Dow Jones, FTSE and the Zimbabwean Stock Exchange, among others.

The company's popularity also shot the charismatic owner and founder into fame (not to mention fortune). Wanting to be known only as Ben Arsenal, the reclusive owner soon had his sights on bigger and better things.

Sure enough, Arse Corporation rapidly expanded into other markets, butting in on industries such as printing, movies, music, food, furniture, marketing, insurance, advertising, and so on and so forth. Before long, they were THE brand name to be reckoned with.

Being a football fan, it didn't take long for Ben Arsenal to take an interest in buying a football team. When he heard of a unique IPL style system that was set to revolutionise the football world, Ben jumped at the chance at possibly taking over his favourite club of all time, Arsenal (of course).

Ben Arsenal is a generally reclusive chairperson, and as such would limit personal interference into first team matters. He does like to get involved sometimes though, but does so mostly through cash injections into the club, or as a consultancy role when the manager has no clue on what to do, which Ben hopes will be kept to a minimum. Otherwise, Ben stays mostly in the background, letting the frontline staff do all the work.

Key Buy: Thierry Henry (The key man in an attempt to recreate the Arsenal of old).

UFO verdict: Despite his claims to being one of the richest men, Ben Arsenal did not spend at all. That has left his Arsenal Redux strictly thin on quality. We’re going with a 19th place for them.

[William Hall]

It's started

I don't remember picking team names. Are you doing it Swagat or am I forgetting what I called it?

[stoehrst]

Hahaha I forgot that I sent in that info about the chairman. I crack myself up

[BenArsenal]

I've been waiting for my intro for ages.

[swagat sinha]

William! Good to see you're still here Steven, yours is one of the best. Ben, same goes for you

@All: I took the liberty of renaming clubs that had not been given any particular names by their owners. FMS Benfica, FMS Milan sounda bit staid IMHO. This could be a little more zing in the names If anyone has a problem with the names allotted, do revert back

Utopian Teams Revealed: Part 3

June 22, 2009

In this third part, we look at Ajax Afterburners, Russian Blues, Spartak Spartans and Flamengo Freefoots.

Ajax Afterburners

A self made billionaire who made his money by building luxury villages on the outskirts of many major cities across the world, Jonny Gabriel began in Krakow, Poland. High Life Living Ltd now has villages occupied by the rich and famous in London, Manchester, Munich, Barcelona, Paris, Rome, New York, Beijing, Sydney, Cape Town and Los Angeles. Having good connections with the world of sport and celebrity, Gabriel helped fund David Beckham's move to LA Galaxy in exchange that the midfielder would move into one of the luxury houses in Los Angeles.

Key Buy: David Villa (The Spaniard is set to break Raul’s all time scoring record, and will be a great asset).

UFO Verdict: They shall be bringing up the rear end. Lack of support to the likes of Villa and Terry will take them down into final spot.

Russian Blues

In the age of globalization, the Iron curtain has well and truly fallen. A Russian oligarch, Vladimir Smirnoff has taken the reins of Russian Blues. Though very little is known about the man, considering he’s yet to make a media appearance; he’s supposed to be one of the keenest managers of finance alive and is expected to keep the club running without any financial trouble. His acrimonious relationship with his brother Romanov Smirnoff, who is also a member on the board, might create some trouble for Vladimir.

Key Buy: Juninho Pernumbucano (With his amazingly high conversion ratio of free kicks, the Brazilian can still help the aging Blues cause some upsets).

UFO verdict: Due to the absence of the owners for most of the auction, the team has ended up very low on quality. The Blues should finish in 18th place.

Spartak Spartans

Tom Bowler, a businessman from Reading, decided to go for this Utopian venture, to create a team in the image of his favourite local team which had fallen on hard times. Another recluse, Bowler, Chairman of Octopus Inc., has steadfastly refused to come for any interviews, saying ‘It’s the team who should be interviewed, not me.’

Key Buy: Robinho (On his day, the mercurial Brazilian can take apart any team in the world. The Spartans will be hoping it’s his day more often than not).

UFO verdict: Lack of support for the defenders will see the Spartans suffer. They should be out of the ‘relegation’ places though. 17th place for them.

Flamengo Freefoots

Carl Cougar, the head honcho of Freefoot Inc., set it up to organise activity holidays and trips on safari around the world, but this was only a front for smuggling diamonds around the world. Cougar has a million cases pending against him in courts all over Africa. He has come to Utopia to possibly earn enough money to pay off the blood diamond creditors of his.

Key Buy: Arjen Robben (The Dutchman has a lot of responsibility on his injury-prone shoulders to lead the Freefoots’ attacks).

UFO verdict: The side is good. But it is not very good. Expect them to do well in the knockout cup though. 16th place.

[SCIAG]

Tom Bowler is the best name I've ever come up with. Spartak Spartans is close, though.

[viperk1]

The predictions are looking pretty interesting here...

My opinion states that my team will be 19th or 1st

[Cougar2010]

16th

I thought I had put a fairly solid squad together, seemingly not.

[JonnyGabriel]

Predicted to be bottom of the league? Akinfeev and Terry at one end and Fabiano and Villa at the other will hopefully stop that from happening.

[swagat sinha]

Thanks SCIAG. viper, you'll have to wait for the last part to find out. As far as the predictions are concerned, they're based solely on team value and hence are very disputable. I'm having a tough time justifying them

Utopian Teams Revealed: Part 4

June 25, 2009

In this penultimate edition of the UFL team preview, we present the following 5 teams for you: River Riders, Valencia Vikings, Roma Royals, Bayern Bandits and Schalke Superstars.

River Riders

Born in Yorkshire, Tommy Spurr made his early money as a professional gambler in the football world. After a large win on the '99 cup final he moved into car modification which was a boyhood dream. In June 2000 HotSpurr Modifications Limited opened in Amsterdam. Spurr is now one the top 1000 richest men in the world.

Key Buy: Frank Lampard (The England international is expected to be among the hits of the tournament).

UFO Verdict: A decent side, the Riders should ride over the long season because of its good squad quality. 15th side for Spurr’s men.

Valencia Vikings

Mike Kowalski had never imagined that one day; he would own a team in the richest league of the world. His humble beginnings, growing up close to Celtic Park had instilled in him a love for the game matched by very few owners in the league. He started out selling used music cassettes and CD’s, and now owns a company called Purple People Eaters Inc. A philanthropic, Mike is expected to take out all profits from his club, and plug them into charity.

Key Buy: Wayne Rooney (The England striker is lethal, and with the supply he will be provided with; expect him to be close to the top of the scoring charts).

UFO Verdict: a 14th place, away from bottom scrapes as well as the top half, is expected from the Vikings.

Roma Royals

A former plant worker, Danilo Uljarevic and his company, New Bloc International are now the #1 name in nuclear power plant construction. He has moved to Utopia to bring the energy his company is known for. But should his team see a few poor results, his short temper might cause a meltdown!

Key Buy: Sergio Aguero (The Argentine forward will be the centre of attraction for any defence he plays against).

UFO verdict: A solid 13th place for the Radons, who will be expected to fuse well.

Bayern Bandits

Alfredo Dick, a flamboyant businessman who started out in the 80’s with Feckarse Corporation, with an eye for a bargain and a mobile phone the size of a laptop. Slicked back black hair, pin striped suit, starched shirt and shoulder pads to die for: he seems a character out of Godfather. You can almost imagine his favourite catchphrase to be “I’ll make him an offer he won’t refuse ". Instead, he is often found muttering, “Switzerland is small and neutral! We are more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood!" and "Awesome, awesome to the max".

Key Buy: Danielle De Rossi (The Italian is the engine of the Bandits. Expect him to take a few long rangers as well).

UFO Verdict: A solid team, with options all over the park. They should finish in 9th place.

Schalke Superstars

Swiss Enterprise: a company which is basically in control of Switzerland. Its main goods and services are chocolate, landing grounds for motorbike jumps, being neutral and selling Nazi treasures.

Lois Deplus: Chairman of the Swiss Enterprise. Someone who hoards money, never takes sides, likes being neutral and is a quite charismatic person.

Key Buy: Fernando Torres (The Spanish hitman is someone you would always want on your team).

UFO Verdict: A very good team fully capable of showing flashes of brilliance, the Superstars should finish in 7th place.

[Celtic_1967]

Valencia Vikings. Purple People Eaters inc.

love it. Surely I've got 10-3's backing (albeit grudgingly) now!

[swagat sinha]

Utopian Teams Revealed: Part 5

June 28, 2009

In this final part of our season preview, we look at Horden All Stars, Madrid Mavericks, AFC Yorkshire and Marseille Magicians.

Horden All Stars

Liam Ferguson was a tester for Sports Interactive from the tender age of 12. One day, he found an Easter Egg in the game that allowed him to score from offside positions, cancel the oppositions goals, enter desired cheat codes and much more. This enabled him to become the best player in the world, win a lot of competitions and become ridiculously rich. This youngster then decided to use his new-found financial clout to buy the costliest club in Utopia. He is very prone to using phrases like LOL, QFT, KUTGW; the meaning to which can only be found on Google.

Key Buy: Samuel Eto’o (The Cameroonian will be key to the All-Stars’ attacking prowess).

UFO Verdict: The All-Stars should have starry dreams, as we foresee them being on top of the charts when the season ends. Top spot for them.

Madrid Mavericks

Merlott Dillinger: a 3rd generation millionaire. The source of his wealth is as yet unknown. But rumor has it that he inherited it from his father, who was a scamster on the stock market, who had inherited all his supplies from his father who made a fortune selling his armed supplies to the Germans.

Key Buy: Kaka (The Brazilian is expected to work wonders in the new Madrid attacking line-up).

UFO Verdict: The Mavericks are expected to finish 6th.

AFC Yorkshire

Stefan Stansfield was known throughout Yorkshire as the best electronic trickster who ever lived. On one occasion, he switched off the Queen’s speech all over Yorkshire, broadcasting an old football match instead. He gained notoriety and popularity alike because of that incident, and finally ended up making a fortune on cracked mobiles. With his money, he’s now in Utopia, looking to take his club to the top of the charts.

Key Buy: Daniel Alves (In a team of brilliant performers, Alves shines as someone involved in both attack and defence).

UFO verdict: AFC Yorkshire is a solid time that is expected to be close to the Champions League places. A 5th spot is what we predict.

Marseille Magicians

The be-all end-all financial scam in Indonesia was the doing of a man called Be Jayatsena. He's the most wanted fugitive in his former country but has now already found paradise in Utopia to get away from it all.

Key Buy: Cesc Fabregas (The Spaniard is known to be one of the top midfielders of the world, and he’ll look to prove that he can work outside of Arsenal as well).

UFO verdict: We’re going with a 4th spot finish for the Magicians.

This concludes our 5 part preview of the inaugural season of the Utopian Fantastic League. Keep reading as the teams assemble for the league in Shangri-La on the 1st July.

[swagat sinha]

Last post for the day . Sorry if these have been many too posts in a day

Players Arrive in Utopia, UFL announces sponsorship deals as Atlantis Rises

1st July, 2009

Most of the players and managers belonging to the 20 UFL teams have arrived in Utopia and joined their clubs today. The players arrived via helicopter, descending vertically in front of a waterfall, in a scene that looked suspiciously out of Jurassic Park.

On being questioned about team harmony, considering most of these players would be playing together for the first time, we did get some interesting replies. Kaka said that it would be like joining a new club, but since everyone would be in the same boat, he was sure everyone would group together. Arsene Wenger, on the other hand, felt as if he had never left home. ‘I’m thankful to Mr. BenArsenal for providing us this opportunity to feel at home despite being in a new place altogether’, the Frenchman added before heading towards his new Chairman.

In related news, UFL Commissioner Swagat Sinha today announced a bevy of sponsorship deals and awards for the upcoming season. Sinha said that ‘Because of the amazing talent pool we have available in the form of the players, managers, coaches, owners; we have been able to garner a huge number of sponsors. Citibank, Gatorade, GM, Victorinox, Lehmann Brothers (having come out of bankruptcy) and of course, Sky Sports will be the sponsors for the first season of the UFL. There will also be a host of awards being given at the end of the season. These will include the Best Goalkeeper, Defender, Midfielder and Striker; and the same awards in a young category. There will also be a Manager of the Season award for the best tactical mastermind in town. Also, there will be best player of the season, best young player of the season; and these 3 awards will also be given out each month. So there is a lot at stake for these superstars to compete for, and for you to watch and enjoy.”

In a strange piece of news which could be related to Utopia, another tract of land rose out of the sea between Utopia and England. This new piece of land, being called Atlantis by the world despite there being a city of that name in Utopia is so close to Utopia that someone standing on the east coast of Utopia can easily throw a stone into Atlantis. Whatever comes out of this freak incident, we’ll keep you informed.

As the friendlies of the UFL teams approach, we’ll keep you updated regarding the results of the same. Till then, keep reading The Utopian Chronicle for the latest in Utopia, heaven on earth.

[fergysafc]

Key Buy: Samuel Eto’o (The Cameroonian will be key to the All-Stars’ attacking prowess).

UFO Verdict: The All-Stars should have starry dreams, as we foresee them being on top of the charts when the season ends. Top spot for them.

i hope it ends like that

[viperk1]

Key Buy: Samuel Eto’o (The Cameroonian will be key to the All-Stars’ attacking prowess).

UFO Verdict: The All-Stars should have starry dreams, as we foresee them being on top of the charts when the season ends. Top spot for them.

i hope it ends like that

Go do one, fergy

AFC Yorkshire ftw.

[HorusFM]

Anyone who names their side with All Stars after it needs shooting.

[fergysafc]

Go do one, fergy

AFC Yorkshire ftw.

how dare you AFC Yorkshire pfft

[fergysafc]

Anyone who names their side with All Stars after it needs shooting.

dam you...horden all star my local team

[The-Perfect-Fm'er!]

Ahhhh. Now I remember my people in the club!!!!

Great job Swagat!!

[William Hall]

I have no idea who I am which is rather odd

[Elrithral]

Awesome, awesome to the max.

[PluckaDuck]

Brilliant start Swag, hopefully the Aussies will be the equivalent to the Rajasthan Royals and claim the maiden title

[Saxonaitor]

The Atlantean Footballing Chronicle

Issue 1

My fellow Atlanteans, the time has come;

We have risen from the depths after many many years to bring upon the world a new age of footballing genius and wisdom. After our return to the water in 2AD to escape the plague known as the Christian door knocker epidemic, we have returned to once again to grace the world with our superior footballing talent. Our race consists of very tall strong built athletes some of which have been descended from us and play football for the highest level known to man today. Names like Peter Crouch, Jan Koller and Petr Cech are all deprived from the culture of Atlantis.

Why do you ask have we returned? Well there are two answers to that wonderful question.

1. We need food (Cause footballers need there brekkie in the morning)

2. We have received reports that our arch island - Utopia has risen from the depths.

That's right Utopia! They make a mockery of us, calling a small settlement Atlantis on their pitiful island. They picture us a basically nude human fish. It's true I'm not wearing pants now but that is beside the point and the point is that Utopia should be driven into the ground. This is why my people and myself will be doing everything in it's power to bring down Swagat Sinha and his disrespectful footballing league. I mean (chuckles) what does an Indian know about football??

Emperor Saxonaitor

Ruler of Atlantis

[JonnyGabriel]

From the desk of Jonny Gabriel

This is an open letter issued by Jonny Gabriel, founder of High Life Living Ltd and owner of Ajax Afterburners, to the people of Utopia.

After spending vast amounts of my self made personal wealth on a team to compete in the newly established Utopian Fantastic League I am dismayed to see that the Utopian Football Observer has dismissed our chances of achieving anything in the competition by predicting a twentieth place finish. After spending hundreds of millions of pounds on established international footballers such as John Terry and David Villa we believe we have as good a chance as any of the other nineteen teams in the division. It is my personal belief that there is a vendetta against myself, my company and the Ajax Afterburners from the Utopian Football Observer. Therefore, I am imposing a ban on any employee of both High Life Living Ltd and Ajax Afterburners, including playing staff, from communicating with the Utopian Football Observer.

Any interviews with the players may be given to any other news source permitted by myself, but it will be strongly recommended that all interviews and press conferences to be conducted via the Ajax Afterburners inhouse television channel; AATV. Anyone breaking this club ruling will face severe sanctions including warning, fines and possible suspensions and sackings from the company and, in the case of playing staff, the Ajax Afterburners team.

This will be in place for the entire first year of the Utopian Fantastic League, and will come under review again at the end of the season.

Regards,

Jonny Gabriel

Founder, High Life Living Ltd

[BenArsenal]

Press release from Ben Arsenal, CEO of Arse Corporation

Greetings to all. It gives me great pleasure to finally announce our participation in the inaugural Utopian Fantastic League. And what better club to represent Arse Corporation than Arsenal?

Being an all new start though, we have renamed the club, Arsenal Redux. Which apparantly means restart. Or something.

Some have expressed disappointment at the lack of spending in order to attract the best players to the club. While I understand your frustration, I have not created the biggest company in the world on spending crazy money. Frugality and thrift is a virtue, and it will be beneficial to the long term sustainability of the team.

That said, I have taken the criticism into consideration, and will definitely look to open up the purses more the next time there is an opportunity to strengthen the team. Being open to public feedback is another of Arse Corporation's key factors in success.

We have also decided that Arse Corporation will be Arsenal Redux's sponsors for the Utopian Fantastic League. This means Arse will be on the shirts of the players, on the advertising boards, even the stadium, which will be renamed The Arse Stadium.

Arse Corporation products will be on sale at the stadium, and of course, all the seats will be have our trademark Arse cushions, with its patented "arse cushioning technology, guaranteed to give your arse a good time."

I look forward to the start of the Utopian Fantastic League, and here's to the success of Arsenal Redux.

Yours truly,

Ben Arsenal

CEO, Arse Corporation

[Celtic_1967]

PRESS STATEMENT ISSUED BY PURPLE PEOPLE EATERS INC ON BEHALF OF VALENCIA VIKINGS

Firstly let me tell you that we are delighted to be involved in the first Utopian Fatastic League.

Everyone expects big things from this competition and we don't want to be here simply to make up the numbers. To that end we were somewhat dissapointed with mention of our anticipated finish being 14th.

I'm sure our fans want us to finish much much higher than that, as do we. Our team will always strive for excellence, we are always looking for new and innovative ways to make ourself better.

Therefore it gives me great pleasure to announce our newest venture. As of 9am this morning Valencia Vikings have an agreement in place with Minnesota Vikings for the mutual sharing of ideas and training facilities.

This agreement has been achieved through negotiations between Mr. Kowalski and Minnesota Chairman T.T. Leader. The agreement also sees Valencia appoint as it's director of football Mr Rob Ridgway who previously had been Sporting Director in Minnesota following spells as Reading and Germany manager.

We believe that the efforts of all concerned in this deal are in the best interests of Valencia Vikings and look forward to the success it brings.

(I also hope 10-3 doesn't mind )

[swagat sinha]

Good to see you all jumping in the entertainment. Here's the final list with all team names and owners (changed a few team names you see )

AFC Yorkshire - Stefan Stansfield (viperk1)

Ajax Afterburners - Jonny Gabriel (JonnyGabriel)

Arsenal Redux - Ben Arsenal (BenArsenal)

Australian Outbackers - Shane Warne (PluckaDuck)

Bayern Bandits - Alfredo Dick (Elrithral)

Benfica Bombers - Hans Peterson (Dalbeider)

Flamengo Freefoots - Cal Cougar (Cougar2010)

Horden All-Stars - Liam Ferguson (fergysafc)

Inter Incredibles - Dwayne Fridge (The-Perfect-FM'er)

Madrid Mavericks - Merlot Dillinger (acidmonkey)

Marseille Magicians - Be Jayatsena (jayatsena)

Milan Majestics - Tommy Whitfield (stoehrst)

River Riders - Tommy Spurrr (TerrierBhoy7)

Roma Royals - Danilo Uljarevic (bergtaur)

Russian Blues - Vladimir Smirnoff and Romanov Smirnoff (William Hall and Offspring8)

Schalke Superstars - Lois Deplus (weeeman27bob)

Spartak Spartans - Tom Bowler (SCIAG)

Team AmericaNo - Sir Jeffrey Robin (gavrenwick)

Terkleton FC - Jesse James (Terk)

Valencia Vikings - Mike Kowalski (Celtic_1967)

[viperk1]

AFC Yorkshire - Tom Bowler (SCIAG)

Correction:

AFC Yorkshire - Stefan Stansfield (viperk1)

[William Hall]

From the pen of Владимир Смирнов co-chairman of Русский блюз.

Russian Blues sufficiently simply most great club in the world. Some of you idiotic types media outlets can predict to us to approach the bottom, but this is not a question, as we took upon ourselves " Chelsea" , the most great club in the world; therefore now we by the most great club in the world. We Special Of one to head this great club to the glory. Each person must fear Russian Blues.

With the respect,

Vladimir Smirnoff

The translating program made it look weird, translating from English-Russian-English

[SCIAG]

Press release from Tom Bowler

Leave me alone, I've nearly perfected this new type of all-purpose glass. I cannot be disturbed under any circumstances.

[jayatsena]

Yooi, finally it's begin!!! Happy-happy, joy-joy...

[acidmonkey]

Press release on behalf of Merlot Dillinger the third

We caught up with Madrid Mavericks owner Merlot Dillinger the third to ask him about the hopes of the club this season:

"Hilleaoh what club? oh the mavricks one toohk paaart in this venture for ah bit of geay hairlairh hopefully make ah little money toohh. Heavens above! How smashing!"

when asked what his aims for the club this season were he replied with:"one think we are predicted ah third or fourth placed finish, dicky be hoping we manage to challenge for the top spot. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."

and asked if he had a message to the other chairman of the league:

"Why 'eaaars, all the boys can come round and we can pleay some croquet and have some spiffing brandy what doh you, one's old bean, seay? Jolly good show old bean!"

[swagat sinha]

Friendly Fire- Part 1 of 4

2nd August, 2009

Hello, readers. The friendly matches of all the Utopian teams are over, and the teams are ready to rumble. Let us recap the friendlies that our Utopian stars participated in.

Ajax Afterburners:

Being touted to finish last by the Football Chronicle seems to have spurred on the Afterburners. They played 6 matches, and won each and every one of them. In their first match as a team, they beat INF Clairefontaine 7-0, Dijon FCO fell by the wayside 3-0, and it was looking as if Ajax wouldn’t concede. A 2-1 win over Beauvais broke that record, with wins over Wehen and Poli Ejedo following. Their final match, against Ponteferradina, saw them go down 0-2 and 1-3 before clawing back to win 4-3 courtesy a hat-trick by David Villa and the winner being scored by Gervinho.

Key performers: Robert Acquafresca, David Villa, Simon Rolfes, Gervinho.

Team AmericaNo:

In the friendlies, Team AmericanNo participated with Rennais and New England in a friendly cup, winning both games 2-0 to win their first trophy, even though it was only a friendly one. However, draws against Bielefeld and Ingolstadt and unconvincing wins over Albacete and Unterhaching have left them with an injured Wesley Sneijder and Jefferson Farfan, even though the duo is expected to return within 3 weeks.

Key performers: Zdravko Kuzmanovic, Dominico Criscito, Adriano.

Arsenal Redux:

After beating Club Brugge and Beleneses by 3 goal margins, Arse RDX seemed to be setting the world on fire. But injuries to Patrick Vieira, Mirel Radoi, Miguel and costliest-defender-in-Utopia, Vincent Kompany saw them struggle to draws against Maritimo and Castellan, while narrowly beating Real Sociedad 3-2. Leixoes also fell to the Arse 2-0 as they continued their mini-comeback from the mini-stutter.

Key performers: Diego Milito, Cedric Carasso, Baftembi Gomis

Horden All-Stars:

An unconvincing win over Willem by two goals did not help the team touted to win the league, as they stuttered to a 1-1 draw against Braga. They did win 3-1 against FC Eindhoven, but the match against FC Zwolle will have hurt them. Not only did they lose 1-2 in a shock defeat, they also lost keeper Julio Cesar for over a month. De Grafschaap and Walden were disposed off easily enough by 5-0 and 3-0 respectively, giving the All-Stars some hope.

Key performers: Samuel Eto’o, Ricardo Carvalho, Gianluca Zambrotta.

Terkleton FC:

This was one team that hardly broke a sweat during its entire friendly campaign. Comfortable wins against every team on its tour to Israel saw Terkelton suffer from an embarrassment of riches as Djibril Cisse, Didier Drogba, Edinson Cavani all scored by the hatful. Following the 3 and 4 goal margins victories, Terkleton went on to beat Vitoria Setubal and Recrativo 3-1 and 1-0 to close out their friendly campaign with a 100% record.

Key performers: Santi Cazorla, Juan Manuel Vargas and Djibril Cisse.

[swagat sinha]

Friendly Fire- Part 2 of 4

3rd August, 2009

Team Australia:

Another team which maintained a 100% record throughout the friendlies, The Aussies started off with a 1-0 win over Velt, followed it up by beating Unterhaching 3-0 and tackling Augusburg 3-2, moved on to scamper past AlbinoLeffe and Rio Ave 2-0 and ended their run by defeating Bielefeld 3-0.

Key performers: Michael Essien, Steve Mandanda, Mario Gomez.

Bayern Bandits:

2-0. The sound of 2-0 seems to make a Bandit go weak in his knees. Maybe that’s why they decided to go ahead and win each and every match they played by that margin. Stuttgart, Eintrancht, Triestina, La Berrichhone, Ahlen all fell to the Bandits.

Key performers: Luis Suarez, Leo Franco, Javier Zanetti.

Russian Blues:

The aging Blues did not have a very enjoyable friendly campaign, suffering losses at the hands of unheralded Puebla and Estudiantes Tecos. They drew against Indios and the Rayo, while scraping off wins against Eibar and Ferrol. A long, hard season beckons.

Key performers: Juninho Pernumbucano, Andres Palop, Pablo Aimar.

Benfica Bombers:

They started with a draw, and ended with a draw. In between they experienced the sheer joy of a 7-0 thumping against Chaves, the agony of their first loss against Grosseto, 2-0 wins over Beerschot and Girona and the draws against Luzern and Salamanca.

Key performers: Alberto Gilardino, Arteym Milyevski, Lionel Messi.

Flamengo Freefoots:

The Freefoots have been displaying a dual identity. They turn up in one match and beat Winterthur 5-0. The next game, they draw Litex 2-2 and follow it up by losing 3-0 against FC Dorchert. Nurnberg was beaten 3-0 in a friendly cup semi-final, before encountering Le Mans in the final. An epic struggle followed, with the teams locked in a deadlock at 4-4. Penalties proved cruel towards the Freefoots as they lost 5-3. Fatima were beaten 4-0 to get some semblance of form back, but losing Arjen Robben for the first 2 weeks will be a big loss.

Key performers: Diego Forlan, Arjen Robben, Dejan Stankovic.

[swagat sinha]

Friendly Fire- Part 3 of 4

4th August, 2009

Inter Incredibles:

With only 3 scheduled friendlies, it was imperative for the Incredibles to show their prowess in these matches itself. Leixoes fell 4-1 to Inter before Cessna went down 3-1. In the last match, Calcio Padova of Rob Ridgway fame went down 4-2. With 8 different scorers for these 11 goals, the attacking might of the Incredibles is truly incredible.

Key performers: Carlos Tevez, Rodrigo Palacio, Gerard Pique.

Marseille Magicians:

The Magicians entered the Friendly Cup in Athens, and beat Young Boys and PAOK by identical score lines of 5-0 to emerge champions. Trier went down 2-1, before Chamois Niortais and Eibar drew with them. Ceuta were disposed off with ease, and the final opposition, Lorca did not force too much concern for Unai Emery, going down 3-1.

Key performers: Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Cesc Fabregas, Mattia Cassani.

Madrid Mavericks:

The Mavericks are a squad that is still trying to gel together. Their tour of Scotland proved that, with a lot of misplaced passes, fruitless runs etc. They did however; get the business done, with 1-0 wins over Hearts and Aberdeen, before falling 1-2 to Celtic. Their tour of France proved more fruitful, with 3 wins out of 3 coming against Alicante, Montpelier and Reims.

Key performers: Kaka, Iker Casillias, Miguel Veloso.

Milan Majestics:

The name did not befit the performances that were dished out by the Majestics during their friendlies. Narrow wins against FC Eindhoven and Evian were followed up with draws against Furth and Leiria and shocking losses to Pescara and Cretel.

Key performers: Shay Given, Manuel Pasqual, Landon Donovan.

River Riders:

The Riders started slowly, drawing Osnabruck, narrowly beating Stade Lavallois and losing to Erfurt. However, that loss seemed to have spurred them on as they went on to beat Union, Lorca and Cartagena with ease, pumping 10 goals with a single reply in the process.

Key performers: Frank Lampard, Glen Johnson, Gabriel Agbonlahor.

[swagat sinha]

Friendly Fire- Part 4 of 4

5th August, 2009

Roma Royals:

A sheer delight to watch, the Royals picked apart defences at will. The tour of Switzerland gleaned them a friendly trophy after disposing of Aarau and Anderlecht. FC Istres gave them as good as they got in a pulsating 3-3 draw, before the Royals stepped up again to dispose of Jena, Go Ahead, Lavallois, Lazio and Zamora, the last in a 5-0 massacre.

Key performers: Ronaldo, Christoph Metzelder, Dirk Kuyt.

Spartak Spartans:

The Spartans encountered the highest profile teams in the friendlies, notably Olympique Lyonnais and Man City. They beat Lyon by 2 goals to nothing, edged Man City 1-0, before going on to demolish the rest of the teams. 5 teams perished with identical scorelines of 4-0 and a 6th went down 5-0, making the Spartans’ friendly campaign legendary.

Key performers: Fredric Kanoute, Robinho, Anthony Reveillere.

Schalke Superstars:

The superstars took their time to gel together, drawing against a lowly Delemont 1-1. What followed was a display of their attacking prowess. Porto and Boca were taken down enroute to a cup win, Triestina, Bielefeld and Westerlo being the other victims.

Key performers: Gonzalo Higuain, Marcelo, David Silva.

Valencia Vikings:

Even though the Vikings beat Betis 3-1 and Roesalare 3-0, they can hardly have been satisfied by their friendly campaign. Draws with Antwerp, Charleroi and Leonesa and a 1-3 loss at the hands of Genk left their fans anxious before the start of the new season.

Key performers: Roman Pavlyuchenko, Vedran Corluka, Maxi Rodriguez.

AFC Yorkshire:

With only 2 friendlies scheduled due to the reticence of their owner to talk to the other clubs, Yorkshire had a very small margin for error. They drew 0-0 against Kaiserslautern, before beating Beleneses 2-0.

Key performers: Daniel Alves, Xabi Alonso, Guillermo Ochoa.

[swagat sinha]

That concludes the friendlies. Sorry for not posting about them in detail. But I really wanted to get to the league as soon as possible If the test runs are anything to go by (the last one had the top 7 separated by 4 points), we're in for a treat.

[swagat sinha]

Super Saturday to kick off Utopian League as World watches

8th August, 2009

The time for talking is over. Now, the focus shifts to the place that really matters. We’re at the cusp of a new era: a super league to surpass anything that has ever been seen. The mega budget Utopian Fantastic League kicks off today. At stake are pride, honour, glory and riches. Without further ado, let’s preview the first matches:

Team AmericaNo takes on the Magicians in our first encounter In the Azteca stadium. Our verdict: draw.

The Bombers take on Terkleton FC on the pitch after these two teams came up against each other many times in the auction, fighting for the same players. Our verdict: Bombers win.

The Freefoots take on Superstars with key players missing through injuries for both teams. Our verdict: Superstars win.

In the next game, The Majestics encounter The Royals. The match is likely to be decided by the outcome of two battles: Aguero vs. Given and Pirlo Vs. Riquelme. Our verdict: Royals win.

The Riders take on the Afterburners with four players out to injury. This would be a good moment for the Afterburners to respond to comments that their team is weak with a good performance on the pitch. Our verdict: Afterburners win.

The Valencia Vikings, fresh from a linkup with the Minnesota Vikings, take on Horden All-Stars. The richest team in the league will be missing their star goalkeeper Julio Cesar. Our verdict: Draw.

In our final match of the opening day, The Spartans spar with The Bandits. Both teams are expected to be virtually full-strength. Our verdict: Draw.

Do remember to watch the matches tonight. But if you do miss them, be sure to read tomorrow’s edition to know who won the opening bouts.

[HorusFM]

Team AmericaNo takes on the Magicians in our first encounter In the Azteca stadium. Our verdict: draw.

You are going DOWN Magicians.