Co-Managing with Alan Shearer

[Sunderland_Canada]

Introduction

The Newcastle Board met to discuss how to right their floundering ship. After several fruitless hours of discussion it was decided that nobody really had a clue how a club with both financial strength and fanatical fan support could achieve so little.

“Let’s just turn everything over to Shearer, if we put him in charge of a rebuilding effort the supporters will give us a few years grace at least†opined one sage chairman.

“Wouldn’t that make all of us superfluous, besides he’s still playing and there is no way a club of the stature of the mighty Newcastle United can have a player manager, we’d be a laughing stock!†challenged another.

And this is how a manager from the football backwater of Canada was handed the reigns of Newcastle. I possessed all the traits the board was looking for, an anonymous, cool, analytical manager who would complement their true desired candidate, Alan Shearer, by providing a little structure while largely staying out of the way.

I, of course, arrogant in my managing abilities think that I bring a little more to the table but that would of course be determined over the course of the season.

Season Expectations

After my introduction to a highly dubious group of media and supporters, Alan and I had our first meeting as “co-managers†of Newcastle.

“So Alan, what are your expectations for the club this season?†I naively opened.

“To win the quadruple of course!†replied Alan.

“Um Alan, if we win one trophy it will be more than the club has one since I was born…â€

As our discussion continued my role became clearer and clearer. While Alan is a brilliant player and magnificent leader, his passion for the club can sometimes cause him to lose touch with reality. After a lot of discussion, and the board weighing in on my behalf, the realistic goal of European qualification for next season and advancing beyond the group stage of the Uefa cup was agreed to.

Tactics

When our conversation turned to tactics, Alan was surprisingly co-operative.

“I want to score goals, put me in front of the net and pass me the ball†was his contribution to the discussion.

I favour a 442 diamond formation in general and will apply it at Newcastle. The mentality will be attacking with a high tempo and relatively short passing. Hopefully, we will play an attractive attacking brand of football that will excite the fans and inspire players to want to come play for us. The defensive midfielder will be essential in both supporting a traditionally fragile back four (though I will strive to improve their quality) and in supporting the attacking play.

(a squad analysis will folow later today)

[Sunderland_Canada]

Introduction

The Newcastle Board met to discuss how to right their floundering ship. After several fruitless hours of discussion it was decided that nobody really had a clue how a club with both financial strength and fanatical fan support could achieve so little.

“Let’s just turn everything over to Shearer, if we put him in charge of a rebuilding effort the supporters will give us a few years grace at least†opined one sage chairman.

“Wouldn’t that make all of us superfluous, besides he’s still playing and there is no way a club of the stature of the mighty Newcastle United can have a player manager, we’d be a laughing stock!†challenged another.

And this is how a manager from the football backwater of Canada was handed the reigns of Newcastle. I possessed all the traits the board was looking for, an anonymous, cool, analytical manager who would complement their true desired candidate, Alan Shearer, by providing a little structure while largely staying out of the way.

I, of course, arrogant in my managing abilities think that I bring a little more to the table but that would of course be determined over the course of the season.

Season Expectations

After my introduction to a highly dubious group of media and supporters, Alan and I had our first meeting as “co-managers†of Newcastle.

“So Alan, what are your expectations for the club this season?†I naively opened.

“To win the quadruple of course!†replied Alan.

“Um Alan, if we win one trophy it will be more than the club has one since I was born…â€

As our discussion continued my role became clearer and clearer. While Alan is a brilliant player and magnificent leader, his passion for the club can sometimes cause him to lose touch with reality. After a lot of discussion, and the board weighing in on my behalf, the realistic goal of European qualification for next season and advancing beyond the group stage of the Uefa cup was agreed to.

Tactics

When our conversation turned to tactics, Alan was surprisingly co-operative.

“I want to score goals, put me in front of the net and pass me the ball†was his contribution to the discussion.

I favour a 442 diamond formation in general and will apply it at Newcastle. The mentality will be attacking with a high tempo and relatively short passing. Hopefully, we will play an attractive attacking brand of football that will excite the fans and inspire players to want to come play for us. The defensive midfielder will be essential in both supporting a traditionally fragile back four (though I will strive to improve their quality) and in supporting the attacking play.

(a squad analysis will folow later today)

[Tyrone the Magazine]

Well this will be interesting

[Stuart Johnston]

can't wait to see how well you do

[Sunderland_Canada]

The Squad

Over the course of the next few weeks, Alan and I discussed the merits, or the relative lack thereof, of the squad. In an effort to give us every chance to succeed, the board provided a handsome transfer budget in excess of 15 million pounds; however, before Alan and I got to blowing their largesse we had to assess our current assets.

In general Alan and I had very similar thoughts on what we wanted out of the players…strong fundamentals, tough mentally, a good no-nonsense work ethic, and consistent teamwork. With this in mind we set about discussing the squad.

Keepers:

One thing we have is quality between the posts.

Shay Given - Good solid keeper

Steven Harper – Quality reserve

Defence

Given the recent history of leaking goals, I am not too optimistic about the quality of the back four. Alan also piped in “If I got to play against our defence every week I’d score 50 goals a season…â€

Aaron Hughes (D RLC)

Versatile, good physical attributes, solid but unspectacular, substitutes bench

Andy O’Brien (DC)

Strong in the air, good positioning, lack of acceleration is worrying, back-up

Celestine Babayaro (D/DM L)

Weak in the air, fast, decent attacking player, starting LB

Jean-Alain Boumsong (DC)

Core of the defence, powerful but a little immobile, starting CD

Robbie Elliot (D LC)

Poor overall, reserve at best

Stephen Carr (DR)

Weak in the air, strong going forward, good mentality, starting RB

Steven Taylor (DC)

Young but already solid, future star, careful to avoid burn-out, starting CD

Titus Bramble (DC)

Generally poor, back-up at best

Midfield

I expected a group of young, energetic creative individuals that would require little investment. I am quite disappointed overall. Alan commented that “the clubs policy of investing in potential is all well and good but it might be nice to have a few players who actually know how to play the game and could contribute before the end of the decadeâ€. On several occasions the terms “softâ€, “lazyâ€, and “in need of help†were also heard to escape from his mouth.

Jermaine Jenas (AM RC)

Brilliant all round, starting AM, first..oops sorry Alan, second name on the team sheet

Laurent Robert (AM L)

Fantastic technique but horrible work ethic and defensive skills, transfer listed

Kieron Dyer (AM RC)

Pacey winger, total head-case, transfer listed

Amdy Moustapha Faye (DM C)

Physical force, defensive rock, more influence would be nice, starting DM

Lee Bowyer (AM RC)

Versatile, decent all round skills, disruptive influence, transfer listed

James Milner (AM RC)

Good potential, offers zero defensively, back-up AM

Darren Ambrose (AM RL)

Good physically, surprisingly balanced skills for a youngster, starting RM

Nicky Butt (DM C)

Solid, unspectacular, hard worker, good teamwork, back-up DM

Jamie McClen (M C)

Poor overall, transfer listed

Alan O'Brien (AM L)

Undeveloped youngster, moved to reserves

Strikers

Will always be full of goals with Alan leading the line. Need to add depth and youth.

Alan Shearer

What can you say? The heart and soul of the team, first name on the team sheet. An alarming lack of pace and acceleration …â€don’t scowl at me Alan, you know its trueâ€

Craig Bellamy

Great potential but not worth the trouble, transfer listed

Michael Chopra

Decent future prospect, not ready to contribute, loan out

Patrick Kluivert

Capable of brilliance, too often lazy and selfish, starting SC

Shola Ameobi

Good physical stats, needs to develop skills to match, back-up

Next installment, Alan and I hold a garage sale and go shopping.

[AntPaulseno]

Im glad to see Bowyer and McClen listed and Bellamy could be good to sell if you replace him.

But don't sell Dyer and Robert!!! Awesome midfielders and will have some use for you.

I will be reading though...

[Guest]

Lol so far so good mate.

I'm a bit worried about you selling both Dyer and Robert though, but if you get the quality replacements more power to you! I'd recommend either Downing or Riccardo Montolivo on the left wing, or you could get Kieran Richardson on loan from Manchester United.

Hmmm you've got a wee bit of a striker crisis. You've got three top strikers in Shearer, Kluivert, and Ameobi but all three are ridiculously injury prone. Getting Pazzini is a good start.

[Sunderland_Canada]

Hi everyone, I appreciate the feedback, it's good to know someone is reading. Anyway, back to our story...

Transfer Discussion

First off, in light of our determination to foster team spirit and a desire to fight for your squad mates (not against them) Bellamy, Dyer, Bowyer, and Robert were immediately transfer listed.

“Bargain Hunter Alert – slightly used footballers - all must go - no reasonable offer will be refusedâ€

Hopefully this garage sale will net us another 10-15 million quid to spend on players who are actually useful.

As a result, the midfield of the team is being gutted rather than the defence I had anticipated improving.

At the beginning of pre-season the team stands:

GK Given (Harper)

DL Babayaro (Elliot)

DC Boumsong (Bramble)

DC Taylor (O’Brien)

DR Carr (Hughes)

DM Faye (Butt)

LM VACANT (VACANT)

RM VACANT (Ambrose)

AM Jenas (Milner)

ST Shearer (Ameobi)

ST Kluivert (VACANT)

Transfer Listed:

Bellamy, Dyer, Bowyer, Robert, McClen

On the upside, Alan and I now get to go on a shopping spree with our 25-30 million pounds. There was real delight in Alan’s eye when we finally went out and began to put our stamp on what would hopefully be a rapidly rising club.

“So Alan, where should we spend, sorry…invest, our money?â€

“I was thinking that we should add some solid English blood to the club, how about a double swoop for Terry and Lampard, perhaps even make a run at Gerrard?â€

“Um Alan, how are you math skills? I agree these are all quality players but aren’t they a little out of our price range?†and here is where I made yet another blunder “besides, I don’t think that they would be interested in joining Newcastleâ€

After a four hour diatribe on the many virtues of our glorious club and numerous profuse apologies on my part, we tried again.

“So Alan, where should we invest our money?â€

“30 million divided by 4-5 players gives us about 6-7 million per…how’s my math now wise-guy? Anyway, I hear a lot of chatter on the FM forum about this Bierofka guy who can play on the left side, I even hear he comes cheap!â€

“Excuse me Alan, the FM forum?â€

“Oh, it’s a forum for this managerial simulator I have been practicing on, you didn’t think they would hand over the reigns of a big club to someone without managerial experience, at least of the pretend type, did you?â€

I had to concede the point to Alan, spending countless hours on a managerial simulation seemed to be a good use of time.

Anyway, after seriously debating the merits of various candidates, we narrowed the list to a couple at each of our need positions. Ideally, we would build England’s midfield of the future right here at St. James Park by attempting to acquire Stuart Downing (cash + Bowyer + Robert) and Shaun Wright-Phillips (cash + Bellamy + Dyer). A back-up option if that didn’t work would be Dede on the left (approx 10 million) and Sneijder on the right (6 million). We will also be perusing the transfer list for bargains. I also conceded the point to Alan and made an offer for Bierofka. Finally, seeking to add depth cheaply I made offers to Mokoena and Vanden Borre.

Then talk turned to the purchase of a new striker. Being an expert on the subject, Alan had a lot to say.

“I’m playing every game so I don’t really think we should blow our cash on a striker so that you have someone to chat to on the bench while I’m out there actually earning my moneyâ€

“Now Alan, we are entered in four competitions this year, you can’t possibly play every minute, besides… you aren’t getting any younger, what happens if you get hurt?â€

As these last words left my mouth I realised I may have made an error; judging by the look in Alan’s eyes my imminent demise was at hand.

“*!*!#$*# *#(@)#( #*@*@ …. And if you ever think of substituting me I’ll kick your #@$ back across the pond.â€

Well, I had survived the exchange but not necessarily won the argument. How could I convince him to come around to my way of thinking? In my most humble voice I noted

“Alan, if I don’t buy another striker you do realise that I might have to play Bellamy?â€

After another string of expletives Alan conceded that perhaps strengthening the strike force wouldn’t be so bad…that said, I am not really looking forward to the first time I remove Alan from the game (certainly to save his strength for future challenges, not because he wasn’t performing up to snuff)

Anyway, we decided to hold off on making offers for strikers until our midfield was sorted out and we knew how much we had left to spend.

In Tommorrow's Installment - The Preseason (it may take a couple of days, Champions League football to watch after work the next two evenings)

[Guest]

pretty good mate u wanna keep robert as backup need a left back and need some young blood...

i got rid of faye, butt, bowyer, hughes n a few others replaced them with gud youngsters ie daniel freidheim holm, ponzio, guarin, parker(bargain), bierofka, deisler(bargain), try this guy for a full back billy jones!!

4th in 1st season didn't get anymore money 2nd season fighting for the title with man united, its all about the young guns!!

[Guest]

tell u what it is hard with newcastle especially in 1st season with chelsea, arsenal and man u spending plenty but with the right tactics it is possible.....

finding the champs lge and league bak 2 bak games difficult but some how managed to beat the big teams away, lost 2 games at home but undefeated on the road!! pretty gud!!

managing england at the same time trying to win the world cup!!

[Tyrone the Magazine]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by glory_dayz_r_here:

tell u what it is hard with newcastle especially in 1st season with chelsea, arsenal and man u spending plenty but with the right tactics it is possible.....

finding the champs lge and league bak 2 bak games difficult but some how managed to beat the big teams away, lost 2 games at home but undefeated on the road!! pretty gud!!

managing england at the same time trying to win the world cup!! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Text speak isn't tolerated in this forum. (for your information)

[Sunderland_Canada]

Preseason

After what seemed like an eternity of discussion and planning, it was finally time to get my team on the field to see what it could do. A four game tour of Turkey had been planned prior to my arrival and it seemed to be a good way to get away with the team to prepare for the upcoming season. Four games is a little less preparation than I would like to have to install a new system but it also meant less chance for injury.

The results of the trip were as follows:

Darcia 0 – 0 Newcastle

Mersyin 0 – 3 Newcastle (Shearer, Jenas, Bowyer)

Galastaray 1 – 0 Newcastle

G. Birligi 0 – 0 Newcastle

The individual details of the games are not as relevant as the lessons learned. I must say that I was both pleasantly surprised and somewhat concerned with the Turkey trip. Conceding just one goal in four games was a splendid defensive record and a good foundation upon which to build; however, failing to score in three games was not so promising. Furthermore, I just wasn’t generating the number of chances that I would have liked. I was at something of a loss, did I need to rethink my tactics?

Alan’s experience was invaluable as he calmed my jittery nerves and preached patience. He also pointed out that a more aggressive attitude from the wingers might help to alleviate the dearth of service he had been receiving.

While we were in Turkey, I began to make inquiries into to strengthening the squad.

First offers:

Wright-Phillips: 10 m + Dyer + Bellamy

Downing 5 m + Robert + Bowyer

Bierofka 350K

The offers for the two rising English stars were rejected out of hand, while the Bierofka offer was quickly accepted and he soon signed. Unfortunately there was no interest in our transfer listed players to which Alan replied “I’m not surprised, it’s not like we want them why should anyone else?â€

Then, late one evening Steve McClaren called me up and said that he might be willing to take Bellamy off my hands for the right price. I quickly countered that I was a great admirer of Downing and wondered if he would consider an exchange if I kicked in 3 million pounds or so. After careful consideration (though I’m not sure how careful since he eventually agreed) Steve said we had a deal.

I was on cloud nine, Stewart Downing for 3 million pounds and I get rid of Bellamy? It really seemed too good to be true. I quickly ran next door to Alan’s hotel room to share our good fortune. (Note to self, do not knock on a footballers door at 3 in the morning, there is simply no good outcome that can ensue). Anyway, Alan eventually forgave my interruption due largely to the fact that he was almost as excited as me.

After surprisingly quick negotiations for Wesley Sneijder (6.5 m + 30% sell on), Geremi (3 m), a second failed run at Wright-Phillips, and the sale of Dyer (3 m) to Southampton the squad began to take shape.

Then catastrophe in the form a spoiled Welsh striker abruptly brought my managerial honeymoon period to an end. Steve McClaren called me up to say that the club had been unable to agree a contract with Bellamy and “I was welcome to the ungrateful ***. I do not recall what then ensued but a half hour later I came to my senses to find a surprising amount of damage had been done to my hotel room. Then I made the best decision of my life and called Alan’s room to deliver the news rather than doing so in person. Needless to say, the club had to pay the hotel for massive damages to two rooms and the team was kindly asked to leave and never return.

We returned to England to begin final preparations for the season. As of yet no other enquiries into our transfer listed players had been made and their inflated salaries remaining on the payroll caused the board to limit my ability to offer a contract to Cavenaghi, which ultimately cost me his services. Bellamy was not only destroying the spirit in my squad he was now single-handedly responsible for crushing my attempts to bring in new players.

I still have 10m pounds in the transfer budget but will wait until I clear out some of the salary since I am already over budget. There are bound to be some January bargains available. Up next…the season begins and Alan is substituted off for the first (and possibly last) time.

[Gricehead]

Good style Very much liking the start you've made.

[Sunderland_Canada]

The Season

On opening day the squad was as follows.

GK Given (Harper)

DL Babayaro (Elliot)

DC Boumsong (Bramble)

DC Taylor (O’Brien)

DR Carr (Hughes)

DM Butt (Faye)

LM Bierofka (Robert)

RM Sneijder (Geremi)

AM Jenas (Bowyer)

ST Shearer (Ameobi)

ST Kluivert (Chopra)

[yes I know Bellamy is better than Chopra but he will ROT in the reserves until someone is foolish enough to take him off my hands]

Tottenham 0 – 0 Newcastle

I stuck with my 4-4-2 diamond and am content with an away draw. I was outshot 12 –5 but good chances were scarce. Given put in a good performance.

Newcastle 2 – 2 Liverpool

The wingers were given more attacking freedom in a slightly modified diamond. Morientes notched 2 goals in a vintage performance but Bierofka was a force flying down the left wing creating goals for Kluivert and Sneijder. All and all, an entertaining game.

Everton 0 – 1 Newcastle

Back to my more defensive diamond for away games and it pays off with a win. Taylor and Boumsong were dominant in the air keeping life simple for Given and Kluivert provided that little bit of magic that pulled out the win.

Alan struggled for the third straight game with his lack of pace causing him to be run down from behind on several occasions. I did the unthinkable at half time and he was substituted for Ameobi. If I was expecting an explosion I was sadly mistaken, he calmly sat down next to me on the bench and he cheered wildly along with the rest of us when Patrick netted the game winner. I believe I may have vastly underestimated my co-manager. His professionalism and quiet support of me by accepting his place on the bench make me think that this could be a long and fruitful partnership. Sure he tore me a new one once we were in private but the leadership he displays both on and off the pitch will be essential to any success we achieve this season.

Tactical Musings

Alan and I sat down together after the Everton match to discuss the state of the team. While the results had been good so far, the team just didn’t seem to be clicking. Like the Turkey trip, our Premiership start had exhibited strong defence but very limited attacking. I really wasn’t confident that we were outplaying the other squads (overall we had been outshot 3-1 in the first three games) as much as benefiting from a wee bit of Irish luck in the form of Shay Given.

On top of that Alan was growing increasingly frustrated with the lack of service he was receiving. Now Alan is a quality finisher but he is not exactly the sort to create a goal for himself out of nothing. Alan noted that there were several periods over the last few games where he “might as well have been enjoying a pint at home for all he was seeing of the ball.â€

Furthermore, we also had a personnel problem. It looked as if Bowyer and Robert would be going nowhere in the near future and there just wasn’t enough salary space in the budget to add a new quality striker. As a result, we had a surplus of midfielders and an alarming lack of depth up front.

Finally, after watching Everton play, I was inspired to experiment with a pressing, fluid 4-5-1 that attacks as a 4-3-3. This might help us take advantage of our quality target men and midfield depth.

Humble Pie

Since it seemed we would be hanging onto Robert and Bowyer, at least until January, I thought it best to set a meeting to clear the air between us. In order to prevent heated comments from Alan from disrupting what I hoped would be an amicable reconciliation I decided to talk to them on my own.

In a moment of sheer perversity, I asked Alan to have a chat with Bellamy about his future role on the team. Alan and I had already agreed that not only would Craig never play for the first team squad again, as punishment for his sins he would only be played as a right midfielder for the reserves. Alan took to the idea of this conversation cheerfully and practically skipped down the hall to his meeting.

Anyway, I called a sulky Robert and somewhat belligerent Bowyer into my office for our little chat.

Me: You both have a right to be somewhat disgruntled with your treatment so far. I apologise for any slight you may have felt and hope we can turn things around.

Robert: Tu ne sais rien de le foot. Tu me mets sur la liste de transferts pour un petit somme de 2.5 millions de livres! Je suis plus important que ca!

Me : Robert, speak English please.

Bowyer: He said you were a useless excuse for a manger who the board should consider replacing at the first opportunity.

Me: Lee, he seemed to say a lot more than that, are you sure that’s what he said?

Bowyer: You know how French is, it takes forever to say anything.

Robert: Monsieur, donne moi un nouveau opportunite, Je promis de faire un meilleur effort!

Bowyer : He said that he will be here long after you are tossed out on your butt.

Me: Lee, I think that you might be putting words into his mouth.

Bowyer: You’re right, I cleaned it up for him. What he really said is that you are a **#*$ who needs to *%*$#

Me: Lee, you do realise that I am Canadian and speak French right?

Bowyer: Sorry, maybe I misheard him. Personally, I think you’re doing a fantastic job and I’m lucky to have the opportunity to work with you.

The two left the meeting promising to prove themselves in training. As the duo left my office, Alan entered with a big grin. He joyously informed me that Craig had stormed out after Alan’s news had been delivered and would miss today’s training session. A fine of two weeks wages was immediately issued. We also decided that Alan would meet with Craig every two weeks to ensure similar such outbursts as a creative way to reduce our wage budget.

All in all a successful off day. Up next : The new tactic, am I a tactical genius or guilty of Ranieri-like tinkering?

[Gricehead]

[-Xenon-]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Sunderland_Canada:

The Squad

Nicky Butt (DM C)

Solid, unspectacular, hard worker, good teamwork, back-up DM

</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Unspectacular!!!!!!!

That man won a champions league medal with United! He is a legend! good story btw!

[Sunderland_Canada]

Gricehead and Xenon, thanks for the support. I’m glad to know someone else is enjoying the story. Writing it has certainly improved my own enjoyment of the game. It feels more like managing an actual collection of individuals than a bunch of statistics.

The New Tactic

I have decided to try a new 4-5-1 tactic with the wide midfielders pushing forward to the left and right forward spots. Two central midfielders will push forward while one will play a defensive holding role. Hopefully, this new formation will provide a little more attacking ability without compromising our defensive integrity.

New Line-up

GK Given (Harper)

DL Babayaro (Elliot)

DC Boumsong (Bramble)

DC Taylor (O’Brien)

DR Carr (Hughes)

CM (def) Butt (Faye)

CM Jenas (Bowyer)

CM Sneijder (Milner)

LM Bierofka (Robert)

RM Geremi (Ambrose)

ST Shearer (Kluivert)

Newcastle 0 – 0 Crystal Palace

A less than noteworthy debut for the new tactic as a goal never seemed likely for either side. We dominated possession throughout and Crystal Palace was outshot 8-1, a marked improvement but not wholly satisfactory. Sad news in the form of a torn groin for Wesley Sneijder who will miss 4 weeks.

Final transfers

There was fantastic news awaiting me as a returned to my office to study the game footage. A letter had arrived containing the work permit for a young South African forward named Mokoena. After his initial permit was denied I was not optimistic about the appeal but fortune smiled upon our club and his signature for the sum of 350k pounds was confirmed. Immediately afterwards, international sources set a value upwards of 6 million pounds for the young star.

Unbelievably, later the same day even better news was in store. After suffering several key injuries in his squad Steve McClaren felt that a new bid for Craig Bellamy was in order. I readily accepted the 2.5 million pound offer but was not optimistic due to past problems with this transfer. Apparently his demotion to the reserves and Alan’s conversation with him (just exactly when on in that room I may never know) caused Craig to change his mind and he accepted Boro’s terms and joined them the next day. This time I did deliver the news to Alan in person and we proceeded to get well and truly sloshed. Even the inevitable sniping back in forth in the media over the next few days couldn’t dampen my spirits!

Charlton 1 – 0 Newcastle

Apparently some of the boys followed the less than illustrious example set by Alan and myself and did a little pub hopping of their own to celebrate Craig’s departure. The score line flattered us tremendously and is solely due to the superhuman efforts of Shay Given who apparently could hold his liquor a little better than the rest of us.

Newcastle 1 – 0 Aston Villa

This time the score line didn’t flatter us at all. The formation worked a treat and the five-man midfield dominated the ball and flowed forward like a tidal wave that threatened to swamp the Villa net. Carr missed a penalty and Shearer had a goal called back due to offside (he just can’t buy a break this season). The man of the match was undoubtedly Bierofka who was a demon on the left, scoring the match winner.

Newcastle 2 – 1 Maritimo

The Uefa cup kicked off with a match-up with Maritimo of Portugal. I wasn’t thrilled with facing Portugese opposition in round 1 but was confident of the boys. After talking things over with Alan, we decided to given some of the rest of the squad a run-out including the season debuts of Laurent Robert and Lee Bowyer. We dominated the match with Kluivert and Ambrose scoring and Robert coming agonizing close with a viciously swerving free-kick that rattled the crossbar. Unfortunately, we committed a foolish foul late in the game that led to Maritimo pulling one back after the ensuing free-kick. Geremi earned man of the match honours as his aerial prowess set up both of our goals.

Newcastle 0 – 1 Manchester United

Our third straight home date has given Alan and I the chance to really work with the squad to implement the new 4-5-1 scheme. The squad was in fantastic form again and the shots rained down on Tim Howard from all angles. He must have been inspired by his viewing of “Pearl Harbour†the night before because he stifled our bombardment with remarkable determination. Of course, in typical fashion Ruud calmly converted one of only 5 United chances on the evening and spoiled the night for our third successive packed stadium. Oh well, no point in dwelling on what might have been, onward to Portugal!

Maritimo 1 – 0 Newcastle

I almost can’t bring myself to write this entry but at least it might help distract me from the delirious ranting of my co-manager.

“Giant cats leaping everywhere toying with giant soccer balls…sumo wrestlers in hockey nets…â€

“Alan, shush, I’m trying to record my thoughts on the latest matchâ€

“Sprinting through quicksand…Leaping in lead boots…â€

Perhaps I can’t ignore him after all. It seems Alan has completely cracked after our latest defeat sent us crashing out of Europe in the first round of the UEFA cup. Furthermore, he has now gone nine straight competitive games without scoring and I believe that a psychological block may have formed.

Once again the score line doesn’t do our club justice as we pressed Maritimo throughout the ninety-minute encounter in sunny Portugal. For a second straight game we were foiled by the superhuman efforts of the opposing keeper, this time it was the fantastic acrobatics of Gomes frustrating my attackers. Maritimo managed just two shots on net, yet Given’s clearance of a corner rebounded off Jermaine Jenas for the own goal that put them through.

I need to go now, since I think that I better call for some medical attention for Alan. I think I’ll send him away for a week or two to a quiet place where he can try to compose himself. Maybe this player-manager thing is just too much stress for him, I know just the managing part of it is taking a toll on me.

Next update is due on Monday when we hope to get our season back on track.

[Secret_squirrel]

Pretty much sounds like an atypical Newcastle season thus far, although with a username that involves Sunderland, one cannot help but feel that the underlying plan is for the Toon to go Doon

[Sunderland_Canada]

Secret_squirrel,

I was wondering how long it would take for someone to call me on my username. Needless to say, I do forsee Sunderland playing a role at some point in the future of this story but haven't decided exactly how. For now I am just letting the game take me where it willand enjoying the ride.

[BobBev]

Nice writing style Mr. S_C but a great pity that you have been afflicted by the so-called "super goalie syndrome". I look forward to following your adventures with Alan

[Sunderland_Canada]

Alan’s Vacation

While I led the team against Manchester, Alan was relaxing on a tropical beach with his family. I had convinced the club that they had better spring for a first class holiday for our talismanic leader before he was completely reduced to an unintelligible gibbering mess.

I briefly considered tinkering again with the formation but I resisted the impulse for now. The reality is that we had seriously outplayed our opponents in every match since the unveiling of the new formation other than the Charlton game, but that can be dismissed due to the fact that three-quarters of the players were hung-over from Bellamy transfer parties. We were generating chances and giving up few in return, we just needed to start finishing in a more clinical fashion.

Manchester City 0 – 2 Newcastle

Once again the squad played with fire and drive and dominated the game, surrendering only a handful of chances to City. Surprisingly, Darren Ambrose netted a brace to become the co-leader on the club’s scoring chart this season (3 along with Kluivert). Robert again struck a divine free-kick that was only kept out by a stubborn post. The squad looked strong and I was hopeful for the future.

Newcastle 2 – 0 Fulham

I am very pleased with the way the boys have bounced back from their European defeat. Several midfield changes were made from the previous game as the 4-5-1 pressing tactic is demanding a lot of effort resulting in the need for frequent rest. Luckily, the three replacements all played prominent roles in the victory with Bierofka setting up goals by Bowyer and Geremi.

Birmingham 0 – 4 Newcastle

Alan returned from his vacation a new man. Getting away from the game for a few weeks gave Alan a taste of what retirement would be like and he returned hungrier than ever. I simply couldn’t keep him out of the starting line-up. Bierofka put the team ahead inside the first ten minutes and several more opportunities presented themselves but went unfinished. Early in the second half disaster almost struck when Birmingham were awarded a penalty in a highly dubious decision, but Shay stood up tall and slammed the door. This is the scare the team needed and after the introduction of Kluivert for a tiring Shearer we struck with three quick goals (Geremi and two from Kluivert) to seal an impressive away victory.

Newcastle 0 – 0 Portsmouth

It really does prove the point that just glancing at the result doesn’t tell the whole story. The squad again played well, out shooting Portsmouth 16-3, but once again we were foiled by a fantastic display from the opposing goalkeeper. That said, both Alan and I were pleased with our current form.

Newcastle 2 – 0 Wrexham (League Cup)

Given the demands the 4-5-1 formation seemed to be making on the players, Alan and I agreed that we would go with a weakened squad for what should be an easy game. That said, we decided leadership would be needed so Alan, Nicky Butt, and Shay were all included. The leadership paid off and, while Wrexham defended valiantly, eventually the 24 shots resulted in goals for Ambrose and Mokoena, who got off the mark with a powerful header that Alan had obviously been working on him with in training.

Blackburn 0 – 2 Newcastle

The squad was back to full strength to take on a Blackburn side who were also riding high early in the season, currently sitting in fourth behind the usual three suspects, one place ahead of us. The game was the type of hard fought gritty affair that caused past Newcastle sides endless difficulty. Today the lads fought with heart and Sneijder provided a sublime 30-yard strike to win the day. Kluivert added a second late in the game. Faye deservedly earned man of the match for a dominant midfield display.

Defensive Integrity

I should really mention the defensive efforts of the entire squad this season. The back four (Carr-Boumsong-Taylor-Babayaro) have not figured significantly in the attack but have provided a solid shield in front of Shay. Consistent displays that elicit little comment from the media are the mark of a solid defensive team; usually when defensive heroics are involved something has already gone wrong. Both Amdy Faye and Nicky Butt have excelled at the thankless midfield holding role and the more attack-minded midfielders have done their share of hard graft. I never thought that I would be able to note that Newcastle had recorded six clean sheets in succession.

Newcastle 6 – 1 Norwich

A master class in football was on display and the fans were in full voice. Alan was the battering ram that splintered the Norwich defence and the midfielders poured through the open gates with Ambrose (2), Sneijder, Jenas, and Geremi all scoring. Boumsong added a late goal from a corner. Nothing else really needs to be said but I will report a bit of fun I had with Alan after the game.

Me: Alan, we managed to score 6 but your name isn’t on the score sheet

Alan: I played an essential role in helping to create those opportunities…

Me: True, but Alan, you have scored exactly as often as I have this season

(both being happily married, Alan refrained from the expected rejoinder)

Alan: If you stopped subbing me off I could grab some of those late tap-ins Patrick has been netting.

(The opening I had been looking for)

Me: Fine, have it your way, Patrick will start from here on out and you can finish the games.

Alan: Good, I’m glad I could talk some sense into you…hey, wait a minute…

Me: Yes Alan, I made you make me remove you from the starting line-up

Alan: $*!!% @*!*$…

(I really was having too much fun, it’s amazing what a little run of form will do for your spirits)

Me: But a league cup fixture against Man U is up next so I think you should lead the boys out, besides do we really want to mess with a winning formula?

Alan: %*!# right I should lead the boys out…hey, wait a minute…

The fact of the matter is that even though he hadn’t been finding the net, Alan had been performing an important role occupying defenders and winning balls in the air. Besides, why mess with success?

Manchester United 1 – 3 Newcastle (League Cup)

This game seemed to be shaping up to be a carbon copy of the previous game where we rained down shots on Howard and Van Nistelroy stole the game with the clinical finishing of one of the few opportunities that were presented. This time, we fought back in the last quarter hour with a triple salvo from Kluivert, Sneijder, and Bowyer.

Middlesborough 1-2 Newcastle

Once again the squad fell behind, this time due to goal from Job, before storming back. I really believe that this game would have been lost without the confidence and determination a good run of form can provide. Wesley Sneijder scored for the fourth game in succession with another cracking shot from 30 yards and Geremi continued his surprising goal scoring form with a powerful late header. The man of the match was undoubtedly Shay Given who kept the squad in the game during a lacklustre first half.

Newcastle 2 – 0 Southampton

Southampton played a very odd formation (basically a 5-3-2 with wingbacks retreating with back arrows) that caused more problems than I expected. That said, the lads fought well and Steven Taylor scored his first of the season before an own-goal put the game out of reach. Sneijder was once again brilliant and deservedly received the MoM award.

Following the game, I was awarded the manager of the month award and Sneijder earned young player of the month honours. Life is good in Northern England, yet despite the success we continue to run neck and neck with Chelsea for third, a few points off current leaders Arsenal.

Up next: The league cup draw places Newcastle away at the Stadium of Light. Would the Black Cats prove unlucky for the Toon army?

[Sunderland_Canada]

The Dirty Little Secret

It was bound to happen eventually, and in fact I had been preparing for this day since I took the job at Newcastle. You see, coming from Canada nobody assumed I had any built in allegiances in the football world. That was until it was discovered that I had married into a family of rabid Sunderland supporters. The stories began to circulate prior to the league cup derby with Sunderland…

“Secret Agenda…â€

“A spy in their midst…â€

“A traitor in Tyneside…â€

Well, how can one argue with the papers, particularly when they miraculously got something right? I had adopted my wife’s family’s support for the Black Cats but being raised oversees had developed none of the internecine rivalry that traditionally divided Newcastle and Sunderland supporters. I didn’t even really understand it, weren’t they both representatives of the local community?

As a result, when the management offer came from the Newcastle board, I couldn’t say no to an opportunity that not only gave me the chance to manage a powerful club but also provided the added incentive of reuniting my wife with family in England.

I had bigger plans as well. In order to combat the individual might of Chelsea and Man U, I wanted to establish closer ties between the two clubs to generate a symbiotic relationship where the clubs helped rather than hindered each other. After establishing myself at Newcastle, I intended to embark on a campaign where I would loan out some of the most promising youngsters on the squad to our rivals. This would allow me to keep an eye on them, keep them close to home, facilitate easy recalls, and allow the local population to follow their developmental years creating more popular future squad members. There would also be an added advantage to Sunderland that they would receive higher quality loan players than they could normally expect as well as adding continuity in the form of many players coming from the same team and knowing how to play together. Of course, the big issue would be the appearance of Sunderland being our farm club or youth team but the loan moves would only occur if both sides agreed that it was mutually beneficial. Finally, the players loaned out would benefit because they would remain in a stable environment, while receiving more first team action. It really seems like a sensible idea to me…it’ll probably never fly.

Anyway, in the meeting with the board that followed these revelations I defended my record and outlined the plan above. They were actually quite upfront with me and said that if the club was not lying third in the Premiership I would probably be sacked immediately; however, if I could maintain the club’s form, they might consider letting me try the plan in future seasons.

Needless to say, I felt more than a little bit of pressure heading into the Sunderland match. Luckily, Alan stood by me through the media circus and boardroom challenges. We were working well together, the squad was performing, and he was of the opinion that you don’t mess around when something is working. Besides, he humbly pointed out, I had stuck by him despite the fact that he hadn’t scored all season so he couldn’t really do less for me.

Sunderland 0 – 3 Newcastle (League Cup)

A glorious day; we won the match and my in-laws suggested that I may want to refrain from visiting for a while due my participation in the end of their cup dreams. Two prizes in one day! I fielded the same side that defeated Wrexham in the previous round, mostly second-stringers along with Alan, Butt, and Given. Alan was magnificent throughout and broke his scoring drought with a hat-trick in the first half! The atmosphere was tense, the media were buzzing around everywhere, the number of banners denouncing me in various unsavoury terms was surprisingly restrained… and my name was in banners! Does it really matter if you are loved or hated when you are a new manager from a football backwater if your name is strewn throughout the stadium?

A Run of Form

I will save you the details of the games through to the end of December. Suffice it to say that the club won six and drew two, outscoring the opposition by a combined total of 15-6. The holiday period was extremely taxing on the squad and every available player featured to some extent. Laurent Robert and Aaron Hughes took full advantage with several good performances that would ensure their future inclusion. Stephen Carr picked up a very dubious red card for a reckless challenge but Hughes filled in admirably during his three game absence. Despite the good run, the squad remained tied for third with Chelsea behind Arsenal and Man U. Finally, As of January 1, Alan had yet to find the back of the net in regular league play.

[Secret_squirrel]

If Fat Freddy Spazzer was still chairman there's no way you'd survive the media circus, he'd save his own skin first.

And tbh it's not like say Mets v Yankees, which are the same city or Maple Leafs/Flames which are separate states, it's 2 separate cities within 7, 8 miles of one another and with a plethora of former pit villages in between, the hatred/competition between the two clubs runs extremely deep.

To the extent I know of families split over football allegiance and not speaking to one another because of it

[Sunderland_Canada]

January Transfers

Alan and I sat down together for a well-deserved pint after the holiday period to assess the team and plan for the run-in. The discussion was quite brief; it is really easy to have a lot to say when things are rough but when times are good it’s best not to mess around with things. The 5-4-1 tactic was functioning well and the club was on a run of 18 games unbeaten. We still had 10 million pounds in the transfer kitty but no pressing needs. The most major concern was the fact that Patrick Kluivert had yet to re-sign and his wage demands were putting him out of reach. That said, neither Alan nor I saw him as a long-term solution for the club so we decided to let him play out his contract and hold on to our remaining cash to splash out the following summer.

Titus Bramble and Robbie Elliot had yet to feature more than a couple of times and I had little confidence in them. Titus was offloaded to Chelsea for 500k and Robbie was demoted to the reserves. Like virtually every foreign manager in the premiership these days I felt the need to purchase some talent from my homeland to strengthen the squad and after a little negotiation Paul Stalteri joined from Germen side Werder Bremen for 2.5 million pounds. Alan wasn’t sure about our acquisition.

Alan: Who the hell is Paul Stalteri?

Me: I’ve followed his career closely, he is a key member of the national squad and has played at a high level in Germany.

Alan: All internationals are not created equal. Being a key member of, no offence intended, a crap national team does not a Newcastle player make! What Canadian has ever made an impact in the Prem?

Me: Tomasz Radzinski

Alan: Are you trying to make my point for me?

Me: Alan, he can help, I swear. He is two-footed, plays both defence and in the midfield, is sound in the tackle, possesses a mean cross, has a great work rate …

Alan: Okay, shut up already. If I didn’t know you were married I’d swear you were dating the guy!

Anyway, Stalteri was added mainly as a versatile player to have available on the substitutes bench. We pocketed the rest to use on a summer shopping spree. Oh, almost forgot, we came to an agreement with Marc van Bommel to join the club in the summer.

Cup Fever

Our first two matches in the New Year were our first outing in the FA cup, we were drawn at home against Middlesborough, and the first leg of the League Cup semi against Fulham. Alan continued the building of his reputation as a cup specialist this season by netting a brace in our 4-1 victory over Boro and another in a 2-0 victory over Fulham.

Sadly, in the final minute of what had been a joyous FA cup victory, Amdy Faye took a nasty tumble injuring his hip in the process. After the game the medical staff informed us he would miss the next three months of action, or essentially the rest of our season. An injury to Faye does not scream disaster to the majority of football fans out there but careful observers of our games this year could not help but note the key midfield holding role he performed. He would certainly be missed but we were hopeful that Nicky Butt could provide adequate cover. Just in case we scooped Jeff Whitley off the transfer list from Sunderland as cover. Needless to say, I took a lot of flak for purchasing a player deemed surplus to the requirements of our wallowing rivals.

After two league games, an uneventful 0-0 draw at Aston Villa and a spectacular 2-0 away victory at Chelsea (in which Alan finally scored in league play) we were back to cup action. First up was a comfortable away tie at West Ham in the FA cup. I say comfortable because I don’t think anyone bothered to get up off of their *$%@# to actually play the game which we lost 2-1. Thus our illustrious 22-game undefeated streak was ended and the aura of invincibility we had been building took a serious hit. The League cup game against Fulham was a truly drab 1-1 draw, but it was enough to put us through to the final.

In the final we were pitted against Blackburn, another club performing far above expectations this season. It is hard to describe the glint in Alan’s eye when he led the boys onto the field. Finally, in what could be his last year as a player he had a shot at some silverware with Newcastle. There was no mistaking his desire on the pitch as he threw his body about with reckless abandon, inspiring the squad to a fantastic attacking performance that left the Rovers reeling. A breakthrough seemed inevitable as shot after shot was rained down upon Brad Friedel, while Shay had to do jumping jacks in our net just to stay loose. Then it happened, Matt Jansen darted onto the end of a long pass to beat Shay, who was perhaps a little too relaxed by the lack of previous activity. Despite redoubling our attacking efforts we were repelled by a stubborn defence and spectacular goalkeeping. We finished second best on the day and fell 1-0 in the cup final.

Well, maybe we’d win the league championship! (hah! Not bloody likely the way Arsenal were playing).

[Sunderland_Canada]

The Run-in

After the league cup defeat, a lot of life went out of the season and Alan in particular. We really just seemed to be playing out a string of games with little meaning since by this point we were part of a breakaway pack of four teams 11 points clear of fifth place. Unfortunately, we were fourth in this group and the other three possessed a form that was not going to let them be caught. As a result, the focus shifted to blooding the youngsters with Mokoena, Ameobi, and Milner playing increasingly large roles. We also tried some tactical experimentation with a 4411 and reverting to the diamond on occasion. In the end our 4-5-1 performed the best and would remain the tactic of choice, though the diamond might be used from time to time next season.

Final Standings

Pos Inf Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag G.D. Pts

1st C Arsenal 38 27 4 7 95 36 59 85

2nd Man Utd 38 25 8 5 77 24 53 83

3rd Chelsea 38 23 8 7 62 37 25 77

4th Newcastle 38 20 12 6 56 26 30 72

5th Portsmouth 38 18 10 10 49 37 12 64

6th Blackburn 38 18 7 13 51 47 4 61

7th Liverpool 38 13 17 8 51 38 13 56

8th Middlesbrough 38 15 9 14 61 61 0 54

9th Tottenham 38 13 14 11 41 30 11 53

10th Man City 38 12 12 14 49 52 -3 48

11th Southampton 38 12 12 14 47 56 -9 48

12th Fulham 38 11 13 14 51 62 -11 46

13th Everton 38 12 9 17 47 50 -3 45

14th Charlton 38 10 12 16 47 54 -7 42

15th Aston Villa 38 8 13 17 46 68 -22 37

16th Bolton 38 9 10 19 41 63 -22 37

17th West Brom 38 9 9 20 30 52 -22 36

18th R Birmingham 38 9 9 20 34 57 -23 36

19th R Norwich 38 9 9 20 28 58 -30 36

20th R Crystal Palace 38 6 5 27 37 92 -55 23

Squad Performance

Keepers

Like I said at the beginning of the season “One thing we have is quality between the posts.â€

Shay Given App: 46(0) Rat: 7.37

That wee bit of Irish luck we needed. Fantastic shot stopper who carried us at times.

Steven Harper App: 2(0) Rat: 6.00

Not given a real chance. Will join Fulham next season.

Defence

I will admit that I vastly underestimated this group. Our stalwart defence was the key to our success this season.

Aaron Hughes App: 17(4) Rat: 7.24

Versatile defender who filled in admirably across the back-line, playing in every defensive position.

Andy O’Brien App: 15(0) Rat: 7.37

Was solid throughout but didn’t get too many opportunities. Will continue as a valuable rotation member next season.

Celestine Babayaro App: 35(0) Rat: 7.26, 2 assists

Virtually invisible for most of the season but did his job. Less offence than I expected.

Jean-Alain Boumsong App: 40(0) Rat: 7.30, 2 goals

Core of the defence, powerful in the air, solid throughout the season. Gave away a couple of penalties but that’s just nit-picking.

Stephen Carr App: 35(0) Rat: 7.43, 2 assists

Spectacular season. The only squad member to make the Premiership team of the year. Despite similar numbers to Babayaro, he was much more prominent, frequently making key interventions.

Steven Taylor App: 38(0) Rat: 7.24

Extremely consistent performer. Needed a little rest near the end of the season but an impressive performance by the youngster.

Paul Stalteri App: 6(1) Rat: 7.00

Did what was asked of him but didn’t overly impress. He missed a lot of time at the Gold Cup shortly after his signing.

Midfield

Unfortunately, we were unable to got rid of some of the malcontents (Robert, Bowyer) as originally planned. That said, both performed well in the end. Like the defence, the midfield exceeded expectations.

Jermaine Jenas 37(3) Rat: 7.38 Goals: 6 Assists : 10

Started the season slowly but was dominant in the second half. Very balanced midfielder, offering plenty in both offence and defence. Still very young, the best is surely yet to come.

Laurent Robert 15(0) Rat: 7.33 Goals: 3 Assists : 6

Definitely exceeded my expectations and was an effective back-up. Lacked Bierofka’s dribbling ability that created so many chances but was lethal with the dead-ball.

Wesley Sneijder 36(3) Rat: 7.26 Goals:11 Assists : 10

The only member of the team that regularly provided moments of magic thorough exquisite passes and spectacular shots. Average rating was far below my impression but likely had to do with his defensive shortcomings. Will likely play on the wing more next season.

Amdy Moustapha Faye 28(2) Rat: 7.43 Goals: 2 Assists : 4

The quietly dominant performer of the year. Rarely did the exceptional but even more rarely made mistakes. The unsung hero of our defensive effort and the downturn in form the club suffered during his 3 month injury was not coincidence.

Lee Bowyer 17(19) Rat: 7.19 Goals: 2 Assists : 4

For someone I wanted to be rid of, he sure featured a lot. Useful reserve but never made a big impact. Will hopefully receive less time next year.

James Milner in reserves by season’s end

A huge disappointment who had no impact on any game in which he played. Will be transfer listed and only play again in direst emergency.

Darren Ambrose 26(2) Rat: 7.38 Goals: 7 Assists : 4

A very pleasant surprise this season. Forced his way past Geremi part way through the season through solid defensive play and a good eye for goal. Training staff remarked on his dramatic improvement during the year. Definitely one for the future.

Nicky Butt 18(8) Rat: 7.15 Goals: 0 Assists : 0

Decent showing but no more than that. He really paled in comparison to Faye’s performance in the same role. May stick around for one more season but only as a back-up.

Daniel Bierofka 31(2) Rat: 7.45 Goals: 4 Assists : 14

Consistently created chances by flying down the left wing. Early season form was impeccable but fell off toward the end. Despite having the highest average rating in the squad I’m not as impressed as it would seem I should be. I can’t pinpoint why.

Geremi 24 (13) Rat: 6.92 Goals: 4 Assists : 5

The absolute opposite of Bierofka; I rate him far more highly than his average rating. Was powerful in the air and solid defensively. Filled the holding midfield role when both Butt and Faye were out injured, and helped out at right back for the injured Carr.

Strikers

Overall, this is the one area of the club that I was the least impressed with. Nobody really stood out and created goals on a regular basis.

Alan Shearer 25 (10) Rat: 7.17 Goals: 11 Assists: 1

The fans pick for player of the year. Did do a lot of hard work as the lone striker but has to be disappointed overall. A cup specialist; more than half his tally came in cup games, leaving his league tally woefully short for the lead striker.

Patrick Kluivert 19 (9) Rat: 7.29 Goals: 13 Assists: 4

Very up and down play but finished as the club’s top scorer. Wanted too much money to stay and will be playing elsewhere next season. Appearances declined rapidly as the season went on and the youngsters played more.

Shola Ameobi 5 (10) Rat: 7.00 Goals: 1 Assists: 0

Very disappointing season. Griped about being in reserves but did nothing to justify inclusion in the first team. Still is young and has incredible potential so he will likely get a shot again next season.

Lebohang Mokoena 5 (15) Rat: 7.20 Goals: 3 Assists: 0

Very promising first season for the youngster. He even played a little midfield but that really won’t be a long-term phenomenon. Has a bright future and will play a more prominent role next season.

Closing Comments

Alan and I sat down to assess our first season at the helm together. The board was delighted with the performance but how did we feel about our efforts?

Me: Overall, I think we had a pretty good season. We installed a new system, created a new defensive resiliency, developed the youngsters, made the finals of the League cup, and finished fourth in the league.

Alan: We didn’t win a trophy. We crashed out of the UEFA cup and FA cup to inferior opposition. We could have done more.

Me: True, true, but we’ll push forward next season.

Alan: I’m not getting any younger you know…

Me: We did have some great moments though, I think the 22-game undefeated run will stick with me in particular.

Alan: My hat-trick against Sunderland in the league cup was a sublime experience, but the 1-0 defeat in the final was a devastating blow.

Me: I think crashing out of the UEFA cup in the first round was the low-point for me. That said, it probably helped us focus on the league, which did pay dividends.

Alan: I can’t believe that I didn’t score in league play until January.

Me: Yeah, that sucked.

Alan: Thanks for the support…

Me: We did alright and the future looks bright. Let’s see if we can get you a trophy next year.

Alan: Trophy? Singular? I expect to win the quad next season…

Well, I guess some things never change. It has been an eventful year at the helm of Newcastle. I’ve learned a lot, suffered my share of highs and lows,and had a blast. Now that the season is over I think I’ll go visit the in-laws. They must have forgiven me for their cup defeat by now right? Well, if I’m never heard from again you know what happened…

[Sunderland_Canada]

Season 2

I needed a break from the pressures of my first season at the helm of Newcastle, so I took a little holiday until the end of June. I had told Alan to keep an eye on things while I was gone but apparently he didn’t take me seriously. “How much damage can the ass man do in the offseason before the transfer window opens?â€

Needless to say that I returned from my holiday to find out that Lee Bowyer and James Milner, two players I intended to dispose of, were loaned out at the end of June with no recall provision. Let’s do the math, end of June plus three months equals I stuck with the #$@$$#@ until January at the earliest! At least the reserve squad will be good.

Despite this minor setback, I was optimistic. The squad had vastly outperformed expectations last year and qualified for Champions League football this season. We had saved 10 million pounds of last year’s transfer budget to add to what I expected would be a generous allowance given our European qualification. Marc van Bommel was joining on a free and the only real meaningful loss from last season’s squad was Patrick Kluivert. Finally we were just under the wage budget so the board should be ecstatic.

As a result, there was a bounce in my step when I headed into our meeting with the chairman, Freddy Shepherd.

Shepherd: Good to see you boys back. I have great expectations for the season ahead, advancement in Europe and booking a place there for next season.

Me: That seems reasonable, but let’s remember that we played over our heads last season.

Alan: Bullocks, we should push for the quad this year!!

Me: Alan, hush. Now Mr Shepherd, the squad could use a little strengthening, I was hoping to discuss this season’s transfer budget.

Shepherd: Yes, I think a comfortable sum of £10 million should do you nicely.

Me: Given the £10 million we have left from last year’s budget I think we can add some real quality to the squad.

Shepherd: No, no, you misunderstand me, that’s £10 million total. We needed last year’s surplus to cover some expenses.

Me: So, what you’re telling me is that you’re basically giving me no new money despite the windfall profits the Champions League is sure to provide.

Shepherd: Well, aren’t we the ungrateful little wretch. What happened to the nice well-mannered gent we hired last season?

Me: I spent a year in England? Ha ha, okay maybe that wasn’t so funny. I suppose I can make do with the £10 million transfer budget but can I at least have an increased wage bill?

Shepherd: About that, in this new fiscal era we think it would be prudent if you could cut your wage bill by 20%, I’m sure it shouldn’t be too difficult…

I think that I blacked out again. The last thing that I remember is a red wave of rage washing over me. Alan assures me that I was not at my most eloquent as I disparaged the ancestry, mental faculties, and moral fortitude of our illustrious chairman. Alan assures me that he backed me up before security escorted us from the room but I have my doubts. I think he’s looking to push me out.

Now we had a big problem. We desperately needed to build if we were going to challenge in Europe this season but had little money or wage room to do it with. I asked Alan for his advice on how we could advance.

Alan: Ignore the stuffy old man, dump the malcontents, play the games.

Me: Alan, that stuffy old man is the boss and does get to set the rules.

Alan: Rules are made to be broken. Nobody really expects us to respect the wage budget…you didn’t really take him seriously did you? Oh wait, you’re Canadian, you wouldn’t dream of actually going against his wishes and risk offending him…

Me: $#@ off.

Alan: That’s the spirit!

Anyway, to make a long story short…

In

Cavenaghi (£4.5 m + 50% sell on)

Parker (£ 1.8m)

Pennant (£2.2 m)

Out

I couldn’t give the stiffs away! I tried, really!

[Majalo]

Great story. Keep it going!

[Guest]

You got Cavenaghi for 4.5 mil?!?! Lol enjoy the goals he scores for you this season!

Parker is a great buy, and Pennant should add depth to the wings. Great summer signings and hope you can offload the misfits soon enough.

[Sunderland_Canada]

Thanks for the feedback, I was beginning to wonder if anyone was reading/enjoying the story. Hopefully, there will be lots more to come.

Preseason

Preseason was short given the need to qualify for the Champions League group stages. That said, there was enough time to experiment a little with both the diamond and current 4-5-1 formations. I have to say the diamond allowed us to play a more attractive brand of football but Alan and I agreed that caution was the order of the day and we would stick with the 4-5-1 that had served us so well. Oh, by the way, I took Alan’s advice and we are now £125,000 per week over the wage budget!

UEFA hates me, I’m sure of it. First we are paired against surprisingly strong Portugese competition in last years UEFA cup first round and now we are paired against…Olympiakos in Champions League Qualifying. I mean, who are they kidding? I’m sure the draw was rigged to stick it to the new guy… unless the committee had a higher opinion of my team than I thought and was secretly trying to stick it to the Greeks for having the audacity of wining the European Championship. Regardless, it certainly wasn’t going to be the cakewalk I expected.

Olympiakos 1 – 2 Newcastle

I really couldn’t be much happier. The boys fought hard in a hostile away match and pulled through nicely. Cavenaghi was a revelation, netting twice on his debut and we controlled the game confidently. Yet, once again in Europe we gave away a late goal that I really hope doesn’t come back to haunt us.

Newcastle 0 – 1 Olympiakos

Once again the team played well and limited opposing chances; however, Olympiakos scored after only 15 minutes to set up an incredibly tense atmosphere. The lads were tight in front of the home crowd, squandering far too many chances. Regardless, we held on and relied on a solid defensive performance to go through on away goals rule, but I’m worried about the readiness of the club for the Champions League proper. After the match, I made a visit to the team physician to get a prescription for some ulcer medication. I don’t know if I’ll survive a whole season of this!

The group stage was drawn and this time UEFA at least gave us a fighting chance. Valencia looked to be clear favourites and Basel seemed to be clear underdogs. I felt that we would fight it out with Werder Bremen for second.

August-September

The season started off very slowly for the club and we seemed to be lacking any semblance of challenging for the title this season. Following a 1-0 away loss to Everton, the club stumbled through a scoreless home draw with Tottenham and a 2-0 victory over Charlton; sure the results were decent but the football was anything but inspiring. I was already worried (yes, I do have a tendency to prematurely panic) about our season’s prospects. The schedule makers also did us no favours and I was daunted at our upcoming slate of games (away to Dortmund, Chelsea, and Man U and home to Arsenal and Valencia). At least we would know where the club stood at the end of this run.

The lads tried, they really did, but we were just that ounce of quality short. The results on the whole could have been worse but they sure could have been better. Particularly disturbing was the utter lack of offensive flair.

Dortmund 0 – 0 Newcastle

Newcastle 2 – 2 Chelsea

Arsenal 3 – 0 Newcastle

Man U 2 – 0 Newcastle

Newcastle 0 – 0 Valencia

Blackburn 1 – 0 Newcastle (first half)

This was the straw that broke the camels back. At the half after being outshot 12-2 and generally putting in a workmanlike performance, the type that leaves you an unemployed workman, Alan and I tore into the team (okay Alan tore into them and I neurotically debated tactical adjustments with myself)

Alan: Listen here you pitiful excuses for men. You’ve grown fat, lazy, and complacent and I won’t stand for it!

Robert: Monsieur Alan, may I please be allowed to interrupt you for a moment…

Alan: No, Monsieur Laurent, you may not. You can sit your butt down on the bench where it’s going to stay for the rest of the year after that god-awful display.

Me: (ignored by everyone) Perhaps if we tried out the diamond…

Alan: Fernando, Shola, Leobong; why the hell do I work with you every day in training if you’re going to embarrass me?

Chorus of Young Strikers: But Alan, the service has been abysmal, I haven’t seen the ball in weeks!

Alan: Stop looking for the ball and go out and get it!

Me: (still talking to myself) it will generate more movement and attacking options, the striker won’t be so isolated…

Alan: That’s it, I’m leading us back out in place of Laurent, I’ll show you how its done.

Blackburn 1 – 3 Newcastle

The old man still had it in him. It was a magnificent display worthy of his younger days as Alan tossed the club on his back and carried it forward to victory. I’ll quietly suggest that the switch to the diamond played a part but let’s not take anything away from our brave captain who scored twice and set up the other. The diamond worked to perfection with crisp passing and real inventive flair. Needless to say the 4-5-1 was put away in the closet for late in games we had well in hand.

Champions League Action

Following our Blackburn victory it was time to turn our attentions once more to Europe for a home date with Basel. The squad eased to a comfortable 2-0 victory. Unfortunately, the boys grew too complacent and the return leg was a dreary 0-0 affair. I was in good spirits, currently in second in the group and yet to concede a goal in Europe.

Werder Bremen made the journey to St. James Park and were met our horde of screaming fans. Unfortunately, the Germans seemed unfazed by either the crowd or our new formation. They staunchly defended for the full ninety and seemed ready to emerge with a well deserved 0-0 draw before substitute Leobong Mokoena charged onto a beautifully weighted long pass by Faye to slot home. The crowd was beside itself with glee and Mokoena heard his name chanted by the faithful for the first (but certainly not last) time.

Going into the final tie, Valencia stood atop the group with 10 points followed by us with 9, Dortmund with 8 and Basel with 1. Despite not conceding in Europe over 5 games the club was still faced with the likely need to secure maximum points away to Valencia since Dortmund would almost certainly emerge victorious against the overmatched Basel. Would I never catch a break in Europe? No. The squad was outmatched by a fine Spanish squad and were downed through two driven long shots by Baraja.

The dressing room was surprisingly upbeat following the match. We had performed well at football’s highest level and done the club proud. I had no regrets and made sure the lads knew I appreciated their efforts and anticipated great things for the rest of the season. Besides, at this stage of development a UEFA cup run seemed more realistic than the challenges that would await in the knockout round of the Champions League.

The draw was held and Alan and I shared a pint while we awaited our next European opponent. I was quietly confident that we would be able to handle whatever lesser European side we were set against. I didn’t count on the capricious nature of UEFA. Our next opponent would be…Parma! You have to be %$^#*$& kidding me!