Jump to content

Opposite Ends of the World


Peacemaker7

Recommended Posts

Notes

Similiar to the story I wrote last year at this time, this will be (hopefully) a quick foray into the international fray with Wales & N Ireland and Australia & New Zealand.

Running FM 05, with top 2 English and SPL and ddt files for wales, NI, Australia and NZ

Link to post
Share on other sites

Notes

Similiar to the story I wrote last year at this time, this will be (hopefully) a quick foray into the international fray with Wales & N Ireland and Australia & New Zealand.

Running FM 05, with top 2 English and SPL and ddt files for wales, NI, Australia and NZ

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Men

Jim Trotter (37) Wales Born in Wrexham, Trotter wanted to be an astronaut as a child. Fortunately, they didnt let Welsh people into space in case they met aliens. The problem being that no-one would know the difference. Until the age of 21, Trotter played Rugby, and thought that football was for girls until Wrexham offered him a contract worth £1000 a week. Someone, somewhere in the Wrexham scouting system had thought Trotter could be a valuable asset in the heart of the defence, with his strength and power. They were wrong. He plodded his way through his career, never achieving anything, and yet somehow managing to remain in the Wrexham side. Think of a Welsh Bert Konterman.

On retiring, he went into coaching, and when the Welsh international job came up, he flippantly applied for the job. A clerical error resulted in him being offered the position, and the Welsh FA are stuck with him unless they want to pay off his contract. Which they can ill afford to do. Think of a Welsh Berti Vogts.

Paddy O'Brien (33) Northern Ireland Born in Belfast, brought up in Dublin, his father was a catholic, his mother a protestant. Paddy's parents were killed in a Belfast bombing when he was six years old, and bumbling beauraucracy saw him being placed in a convent orphanage, being brought up by mean evil nuns, and the only boy amongst 50 girls. Sadly, by the time Paddy was old enough to realise he had struck lucky, he had decided he was gay and once had an infamous affair with Celtic star Neil Lennon, who strenously denied the allegation and claimed someone was trying to shoot him which was why he had run into the exact same public toilet cubicle as Paddy. Of course, someone was trying to shoot him, and the only problem with that was, they missed.

For Paddy though, life in Ireland became too much, and upon leaving the covent school, he decided to redress the balance in his political leanings by joining the UDA. Eventually though, he soon came to release that blowing people to bits wasnt nearly as fun as, well just blowing people really, and so he gave up his life of terror, moved to Scotland and joined up with some crappy football team who were so desperate they would take on anyone. That team just happened to be Ayr United.

By now, Jim Trotter was getting decidely agitated, becuase Paddy's bio was considerably longer than his. But that was really his own fault for being Welsh. Paddy's career came to a premature end, mostly because he was pish, and of course he went into coaching, and eventually became Northern Ireland manager. The side were so pish poor that even Berti Vogts didnt want the job - He couldnt actually make them any worse.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Other Men

Roy Jamieson (38) Australia Brought up by Dingo's in the outback, Roy never knew his mother and father were. In a sense, that was a great relief to him, as his father was really Berti Vogts, who had impregnated a young aboriginal girl on a trip to Australia. The girl had been so disgusted by the fact her baby would the son of such a crap manager (She had a crystal ball or could tell the future with twigs or by the shape of her pee on the dry desert, or something.) thet she abandonded him in the hope the Dingo's would eat him. But even they were fussy about that they ate.

Jamieson was finally found, at the age of 8, by English missionaries, who had come to Australia to convert the wild dogs to Christians. Hector and Cynthia Jamieson managed to rescue the young boy by placing him in their hot air balloon, but forgetting to get in themselves, they were quickly eaten by the dogs, who were then struck dead by God.

To cut a long and boring story short, Jamieson became manager of the Australian national side, and was given just one instruction. Do not, under any circumstances, pick Craig Moore.

Dave Black (32) New Zealand The youngest of our four managers, little is know of the man who grew up in an area that has more sheep than people. Thats right, Wales. It was natural therefore that Black would adopt a country which had even more sheep, and so he moved to paradise. New Zealand, where the sheep will do anything for 10 dollars.

Not much is known about Black, but I've said that already. One day he just popped up as New Zealand manager. His only regret is, sheep arent allowed to be chosen for New Zealand. Its a shame because the sheep are better footballers than the humans.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Begining

Wales and Northern Ireland were, of course, drawn together in the same World Cup Qualfying group. It made little difference really though, because they were both quite pish and would almost certainly not reach Germany, even if the Welsh did harbour this silly notion that they were good enough.

Their trip to Azerbaijan proved they werent.

Both Wales and Nothern Ireland had hastily arranged warm up games. In Cardiff, Wales took on a team of Sheep, and were to lose by three goals to one, Ryan Giggs having to go off at half time because he had fallen in love with the right back. It was a decent enough game, but Trotter was, like his New Zealand counter-part, to be ultimately dissapointed that Dai the Sheep was ineligible for selection.

In Belfast, the annual Catholic v Protestant fiendly match was rather quiet this year, with only three deaths on the pitch, ten sendings off and one stabbing. The scoreline of 22-4 in favour of the protestants was rather inflated by the fact that the Army opened fire when a section of the Catholic end tried to invade the pitch to help their team, and as the remaining Catholic players took cover, so the Protestants played on and scored goal after goal.

And so, on to the real thing.

Most teams in this group - which also includes England, Poland and Austria - will probably hammer Azerbaijan, but Wales didnt. Twice they fell behind, but Craig Bellamy and then a bizzare goal from Robert Page as the home defence stood still at a corner, and Wales came away with a point. It was better than nothing, but really it wasnt good enough.

Northern Ireland started at home to Poland, and gained a real boost on the 46th minute when the referee sent Polish midfielder Maruisz Lewandowski off for having a stupidly long and unpronouncable name. Ten minutes after the break, another Pole was red carded, but it didnt help the hapless Northern Irish, as they ended with a goalless draw.

In Austria, England cheated their way to a 1-0 win.

A few days later in Cardiff, Wales and Nothern Ireland squared up for the match that we had all been waiting for. In many ways, it was pointless for the Irish as they hate to be called, to turn up. Mainly, because they ended up being thrashed 4-1 and if they had stayed at home it would have been a 3-0 walkover. The result was greeted with glee in Wales, but as this was probably going to be their best chance to laugh at someone else, you couldnt blame them really.

In the other games, Austria stuffed AZerbaijan 3-1, and England cheated their way to a 2-1 win in Poland.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Bit After the Begining

For New Zealand and Australia, the World Cup was still a very long way away. And not just in terms of miles. But there was for them, the little matter of the Oceania Nation Cup Final. It mattered not that to the rest of the world, this was a joke tournament. Beating the likes of Fiji and Tahiti was hardly that big a deal. They still lived in caves, and played football not with pig skins, but indeed with their actual heads.

Of course, New Zealand and Australia arent that much further advanced football wise, but for them this is the World Cup Final. Going into this two legged final, both nations had won the tournement three times each. After it was over, the Aussies had added a 4th win. It was really all too easy, as they coasted to 2-0 wins in both legs, and now they concentrate on the tough task of getting to the World Cup.

Wales route to Germany took them next to Wembley to face an England side so bloated with overconfidence, it was obscene. In the end, the English tactics of cheating won them the match 2-0, and it looks like they would be on their way to Germany, where they would no doubt be once again humiliated by the big boys. On the same say, Northern Ireland pulled off a great 0-0 draw in Azerbaijan that has the country raving that things were about to get better.

Austria beat Poland 1-0.

And Poland it was who were Wales next opponents, and with the referee being of Polish descent, it was no surprise therefore that he awarded the Poles penalty kicks almost immediately after both the Welsh goals, and with the Cardiff crowd going wild with rage, the match ended 2-2.

Over in Belfast though, Nothern Ireland were about to give the Welsh an unexpected present. Despite the match against Austria being refereed by a clearly Austrian referee, Michael Weiner, two great second half goals saw the Northern Irish run out 2-0 winners, and for once even the Catholics had little to whine about. Even if it was a Proddy bastard that scored the second.

In Azerbaijan, England bribed their way to a 4-0 win.

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">

1 | 2 | 1 | 8 | 7 | +1 | 5 |

| |

| 4th | | N.Ireland | | 4 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 3 | 4 | 1 | 5 |

| | | Pos | Inf | Team | | Pld | Won | Drn | Lst | For | Ag | G.D. | Pts |

| |

| 1st | | England | | 4 | 4 | 0 | 0 | 9 | 1 | +8 | 12 |

| |

| 2nd | | Austria | | 4 | 2 | 0 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 0 | 6 |

| |

| 3rd | | Wales | | 4 |

| 5th | | Poland | | 4 | 0 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 2 |

| |

| 6th | | Azerbaijan | | 4 | 0 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 9 | 6 | 2 |

| |

| | | | | | | | | | | | |

| |

</pre>

Link to post
Share on other sites

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">

Pos | Inf | Team | | Pld | Won | Drn | Lst | For | Ag | G.D. | Pts |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 1st | | England | | 4 | 4 | 0 | 0 | 9 | 1 | +8 | 12 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 2nd | | Austria | | 4 | 2 | 0 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 0 | 6 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 3rd | | Wales | | 4 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 8 | 7 | +1 | 5 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 4th | | N.Ireland | | 4 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 3 | 4 | -1 | 5 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 5th | | Poland | | 4 | 0 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 5 | -2 | 2 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 6th | | Azerbaijan | | 4 | 0 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 9 | -6 | 2 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| | | | | | | | | | | | |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

</pre>

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Wee Bit After the Bit After the Begining

Friendlies. It was all bloody friendlies. New Zealand lost to Norway, which was sh-it, and then beat East Timor 3-0 which was utterly fantastic. Look, this is New Zealand.

Parma werent happy that Jamieson made Bresciano play all 90 minutes of the matches with Scotland and the Faroes, but the Australian managers retort was quite simple. Bugger off. At Hampden, on an icy pitch, Australia went down 2-0 to Walter Smith's Scotland but then triumped 2-1 in the Faroes.

By an amazing coincidence, Northern Ireland also had friendlies against the Faroes and Scotland, winning 3-0 in Faroe land, and then getting humped 4-1 at Hampden. It seemed Scotland had found a new lease of life after Berti. Or mibbe that he was just crap. Yeah, thats it.

Finally, Wales drew in Cardiff with Albania, and then beat Iceland 1-0. Amazing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A Wee Bit More

It was just friendlies in February.

Wales beat Switzerland 3-0.

Northern Ireland found Colombia too much to handle and lost 2-0.

Australia went to Germany, in preparation for the real think, and lost 1-0.

New Zealand inspired their supporters as they were humiliated 2-0 by Thailand.

Friendlies suck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Bit That Might Be In The Middle

A double header with Austria for Wales was their chance to steak a claim for a place in Germany. If they lost, it would be Goodnight Vienna. Daniel Nardiello isnt really Welsh but as he was eligible, somehow he was drafted into the squad and he scored once in Cardiff and three times in Vienna, and Wales won 4-0 and 4-1 respectively. This was more like the Welsh people knew didnt exist, and really proved that Austria were utter pish.

Northern Ireland's David Healy meanwhile seemed to be on some sort of drugs as he scored not just once, but FIVE times at Wembley as England suffered their worst ever defeat, going down 7-1.

That what you get when you drop the Catholics O'Brien told the press.

A 1-0 loss in Poland, with the Catholics back, seemed to prove his point.

Australia had yet another friendly, the OFC reluctant to make the World Cup Qualifying draw, and they overcame Singapore 2-0 and then the team all visited the local brothel for a 'take away'.

New Zealand, still licking their wounds from the Thailand fiasco, decided not to plauy any more games. Ever.

Link to post
Share on other sites

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">

| Pos | Inf | Team | | Pld | Won | Drn | Lst | For | Ag | G.D. | Pts |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 1st | | England | | 6 | 5 | 0 | 1 | 15 | 8 | +7 | 15 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 2nd | | Wales | | 6 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 16 | 8 | +8 | 11 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 3rd | | N.Ireland | | 6 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 10 | 6 | +4 | 8 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 4th | | Austria | | 6 | 2 | 0 | 4 | 5 | 12 | -7 | 6 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 5th | | Poland | | 6 | 1 | 3 | 2 | 6 | 7 | -1 | 6 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 6th | | Azerbaijan | | 6 | 0 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 16 | -11 | 3 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| | | | | | | | | | | | |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

</pre>

Link to post
Share on other sites

One Of Those Silly Tournaments FIFA Devised

The Confederations Cup is really a waste of space for most countries. For Australia though, it was one of their few chances of actually gaining mildly competitive football. With the OFC cancelling the Oceania World Cup Qualifying farce and giving New Zealand and Australia a bye to the Final of that event, meaningful matches were about as likely as a sheep being elected President of the USA. We all knew the sheep were too intelligent.

Australia's journey to Germany though was to turn out to be a complete waste of money, that could have been better spent extending Tony Blairs luxury holiday in Egypt in face of one of the biggest diasters the world had ever seen. Losses to Greece and Brazil, and a draw with Mexico then it was back on the plane to Australia.

Well, apart from the 99% of the squad who played and lived in Europe...

Link to post
Share on other sites

What Is It With These Diddy Events?

So, unable to win the World Cup because they're crap, the Asian-Oceanian Football Confederations came up with the idea of their two champions playing each other. The first Asian-Oceania Challenge Cup saw Japan beat Australia in 2001, and the last one saw those two great footballing powers, Iran and New Zealand square up.

Iran won.

This time, Australia would host Japan, and it was Jamieson's second chance for a troohy would would mean he'd still won more the Ayr United had in their entire history. To aid the cause, a refere was flown all the way in from Iceland, money that could have fed 12,000 Somalians wasted on a stupid game of football.

The referee was so grateful for the trip, he sent Japan's Tetsuya Sano off after 37 minutes, and four minutes into the second half, awarded Australia a penalty. Stan Lazaridis took it and scored. Kato equalized for Japan though and took the match into extra time where the referee had a sudden surge of conscience and sent of Australia's Vincenzo Grella to even the odds.

It didnt work as Paul Okon grabbed the winner on 110 minutes.

A quite incredible achievement for the Aussie's.

Link to post
Share on other sites

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>and it was Jamieson's second chance for a troohy would would mean he'd still won more the Ayr United had in their entire history <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Who proof reads this stuff? icon_biggrin.gif

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Bit That's Probably Near The End If Goes On Like This.

New Zealand and Australia both finally got their campaign to reach Germany underway. With the OFC sensibly deciding to scrap the other qualifying games as the teams were way too sh-it, the only two countries who mattered went straight into the 2 legged final. New Zealand for spells looked good in Auckland, and with 7 minutes left they won a penalty. Tony Nguyen had the chance to become a national hero. But he blew it. In injury time Brett Emerton rubbed the players face in more sh-it as he scored to give the Aussies the win, and no they should be in the play off against whatever bunch losers it is this time.

England came to Cardiff arrogantly determined to destroy Wales hopes, and they did it. A 2-0 win left Wales reeling, and their subsequent 4-1 humiliation in Poland leaves them with little chance of reaching Germany as they sink back into the oblivion they belong. Well done Trotter.

Nothern Ireland still had a chance of reaching Germany, and playing only Protestants, gained incredible 8-2 win on Belfast over Azerbaijan. Sadly, the method of rotating the teams to avoid any stabbings saw the Catholics go down 2-0 England and the Northern Irish dream looks dead.

The match in Belfast with Wales now looks quite exciting. And the good news is, its the Protestants turn....

Link to post
Share on other sites

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">

| Pos | Inf | Team | | Pld | Won | Drn | Lst | For | Ag | G.D. | Pts |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 1st | Q | England | | 8 | 7 | 0 | 1 | 19 | 8 | +11 | 21 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 2nd | | Poland | | 9 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 14 | 10 | +4 | 15 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 3rd | | Wales | | 8 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 17 | 14 | +3 | 11 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 4th | | N.Ireland | | 8 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 18 | 10 | +8 | 11 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 5th | | Austria | | 8 | 2 | 0 | 6 | 7 | 16 | -9 | 6 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 6th | | Azerbaijan | | 9 | 1 | 3 | 5 | 10 | 27 | -17 | 6 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| | | | | | | | | | | | |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

</pre>

Link to post
Share on other sites

Another Bit - Its Quite Important Though

The return leg in Australia saw New Zealand's dreams crumble as they were ripped apart by 3-0 and that was that.

Jamieson comiserated with his New Zealand counterpart and then went out and got pished.

Dave Black, shattered by the experience, retired from football and went to live on a sheep farm in Fiji.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Bit Near The Bit Near The Bit That Could Be The End But Isn't

The big match in Belfast was all that written about in the UK press. Ok, was it bugger, but it should have been. The game looked like ending goalless, which would suit Wales & Poland, but a minute from time Northern Ireland stole the points and Wales were out. It had been a really pathetic effort, and Trotter was taken to just outside Cardiff and lynched.

Harsh, but fair.

Now Northern Ireland just needed to win in Austria, hoping that Poland didnt beat England in Sheffield. Which they didnt, as that match ended 0-0. In the end though, Northern Ireland found themselves outclassed by a crap Austrian side, going down 3-1 and their World Cup dream was over.

Paddy O'Brien retired from football and became a nun.

Link to post
Share on other sites

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">

| Pos | Inf | Team | | Pld | Won | Drn | Lst | For | Ag | G.D. | Pts |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 1st | Q | England | | 10 | 8 | 1 | 1 | 23 | 9 | +14 | 25 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 2nd | Pl | Poland | | 10 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 14 | 10 | +4 | 16 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 3rd | | Wales | | 10 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 20 | 15 | +5 | 14 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 4th | | N.Ireland | | 10 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 20 | 13 | +7 | 14 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 5th | | Austria | | 10 | 3 | 0 | 7 | 11 | 21 | -10 | 9 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| 6th | | Azerbaijan | | 10 | 1 | 3 | 6 | 10 | 30 | -20 | 6 |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

| | | | | | | | | | | | |

| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

</pre>

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Bit That Should Be The End, But Isn't

The play-off for Australia would be against Peru, a good chance to exchange some sheep for some hamsters. The Aussie's rather stupidly had high hopes going into the first leg, which was in Sydney. Although Peru are also crap, it turned out they werent quite as crap as Australia and they won 2-0. It was a wee bit of a blow, thats for sure.

In Peru, Australia did at least manage to get a goal, but Peru got two more and the Aussie dream was over yet again. Jamieson retired from football and decided to stay in Peru to become a hamster farmer.

And so this story should have been over.

But it isn't.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Twist In The Tale

With England safely into the Finals in Germany, Sven Goran Eriksson promptly up and died, thus leaving the England job vacant. Having a non-English national as boss seemed to have worked very well and so the English FA in their wisdom decided to appoint another one. To the astonishment of the world, they unveiled non other than.........

Berti Vogts.

I am deelighted to be geeven zee chance to manage zee Engleesh. I know many peoples are vondering iv I am having zee skilz to do zis job, because I was crap weev Schottland. Vell, zis iz see truth. It vos all Tommy Burns Fault!

Vogts went on to state that now was a time of rebuilding, and planning for the future so that England could qualify for the next cup. His squad for the Finals stunned everyone, not least the players he picked.

They were all 17 years old or under.

England Squad, 2006 World Cup Finals

Goalkeepers: Luke Douglas (Portsmouth), Alex Jennings (Crystal Palace), Zac Jones (Blackburn)

Defence: Seb Hines (Middlesbrough), Adam Clough (Middlesbrough), Mark Little (Clydebank), Bob Knight (Blackburn), Jarrad Hodgkiss (Brighton), Chris Riley (Spurs), Peter Hartley (Sunderland), Jack Pilgrim (Portsmouth), Adam Gusterson (Norwich)

Midfield: Aaron Allanson (Hull), Graeme Owens (Middlesbrough), Joseph Bye (Portsmouth), Andrew Fenton-Goss (Portsmouth), Micah Richards (Manchester City), Jamie Smith (Crystal Palace), Daniel Rose (Manchester United), Richard Heller (Spurs)

Attack: Febien Brandy (Manchester United), Jamie Mole (Hearts), Scott Bridges (Aston Villa)

Link to post
Share on other sites

The End Bit

Despite the assertation of Vogts that his young side would do the nation proud, they didnt.

It started well enough as they took a 7th minute lead against Bosnia, but 83 minutes later they had lost 4-0. A 1-0 loss to Iran meant England were out, and there was no consolation in a 4-0 drubbing from Saudi Arabia.

Zis vos a vewy good learning experwience The German maintained, And ve vill be all the stronger for ze next vorld cup vhich I am zure ve vill vin.

The next day he was sacked.

Link to post
Share on other sites

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>It started well enough as they took a 7th minute lead against Bosnia, but 83 minutes later they had lost 4-0. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

icon_confused.gif

Other than that, I quite enjoyed the "story"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...