This Saint Gonna Be Easy: Ch. V - Endgame

[BoxToBox]

47 minutes ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Cheers. I'm sure Jonker will have some... unique method to sort Bailey out.

"Down the right touchline, we have room to run, and at the end a victory pie.

On your left side, the shark infested moat.... go on, cut inside if you feel like it...."

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

18 minutes ago, BoxToBox said:

"Down the right touchline, we have room to run, and at the end a victory pie.

On your left side, the shark infested moat.... go on, cut inside if you feel like it...."

Couldn't ask for a better 500th comment than that.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

1st February 2022

Rush Green (West Ham's Training Ground)

Michael stared at the strip of tarpaulin covered in water and soap before him. 

“A slip n slide!”, announced Andries excitedly.

“Why? What the hell's it doing here?”, asked Michael.

“Well you wanted me to get Bailey to stop cutting inside. And here you are. He tries to cut inside in the training match and he goes flying! It's genius really.”

Michael rubbed his hand over his face, wearily. “It's an injury waiting to happen.”

“Nah, he'll be fine. It'll benefit him. He'll stop cutting inside in no time.”

“Yeah, well you had a similar confidence about the bowling balls and look how that turned out. What makes you think this'll work?”

“Well my methods are proven. Look at how well you're doing with me! Defying all expectations, maybe qualifying for Champions League. Now compare that with how you did without me at Southampton...”

“What?”, said Michael defensively.

“Well, you didn't exactly succeed. Hey, on a different note, how about we reward Bailey if he gets through an entire training match without cutting inside? Maybe hire a stripper or-”

“We're not doing that.”, Michael interrupted.

“But it's an incentive!”

“It's a PR disaster in the making. No way. Anyway, I'll leave you to it. Don't make me regret letting you do this.”

And with that, Michael walked off to see if he could find Hernandez and ask him to tutor Maicon. He had a feeling he'd once again regret allowing Andries to practice his ‘methods’.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2018 by Fer Fuchs Ake
Wrong month :/

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

February Update (First Half):

Like December, we had a decent few matches this month so I'll post in two halves go avoid having a text wall that no one would want to read.

Huddersfield (A): G. Javier Hernandez, Maicon  A. Michail Antonio, Leon Bailey

We opened out the month with a decent, if not expected, win against Huddersfield. We had the better of the game but just couldn't penetrate them in the first half. We created a lot of half chances but nothing substantial. Our lead came on 51' when Michail Antonio crossed for Hernandez to nod home from close range. Is there any better combination than the Antonio/Hernandez partnership? We looked set to claim a dull 1-0 win until injury time came. On 90+1, Maicon added some gloss to the scoreline by slotting home from a precise Bailey cross. Pretty good result.

Newcastle (H): G. Javier Hernandez (2), Michail Antonio  A. Aaron Cresswell, Leon Bailey, Fabio Martins

They've a very good squad and beat us 2-0 in the reverse fixture so I was expecting this to be quite tough. However, they rolled over for us by playing a 4-2-3-1 with 2 DMs and the wingers were in central midfield. They barely got a look in as a result and we put three past them. The first came from Hernandez on 13' when he volleyed home from Fabio Martins' cross. He got his second just after half time when he got on the end of a cross from the left flank once again. This time, it was from Cresswell on 46'. We wrapped up the win on the 81st minute when substitute Leon Bailey put in a beautiful cross for Antonio to tap in at the back post. Brilliant from us but equally poor from the Magpies.

Burnley (A): G. José Tavares  A. Patrik Nyman

Despite playing away in the replay, we thankfully came away with a win. We played a rotated side which was not entirely second string and not entirely first XI. The game was pretty dull with neither sides creating much, both cancelling each other out. We went to extra time with them but wrapped it up before penalties. Patrik Nyman played in José Tavares on 95' and he buried it to give us the win. Bolton in the next round. This win meant we defied the board's expectations as well. 

I'll do the Key Points for the second half of the month.

 

 

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

February Update (Second Half):

Still good. The loss was to be expected.

Chelsea (A): G. Javier Hernandez, Michail Antonio  A. Michail Antonio

Despite the narrow scoreline, we were pretty poor here. Honestly, we were lucky to keep the margin at one goal. Azpilicueta scored after just 8 minutes as our defence slept. Saúl got their second on 24' before Ricardo Rodriguez got their third on 35'. We looked to be absolutely sinking. Thankfully, we snatched a goal just before half time to give us a lifeline. Antonio burst down the wing and crossed to Hernandez who knocked it in. Courtois came off injured in the second half and his replacement seemed quite poor. I got us to shoot on sight and go for the game a bit more. Antonio scored our second on 72' with a rebounded effort (so no assist). Unfortunately, we couldn't get that all-important third goal to seal the draw. Not too bad a result though.

Bolton (H): G. Fabio Martins, Leon Bailey (2), Maicon  A. Maicon, Leon Bailey, José Tavares, Harry Winks

We faced Championship opposition in this FA Cup 5th round tie and were expected to get through. We brushed them aside as well. Fabio Martins got the first on 35' after a lovely ball in from Winks. Bailey got the second on 59' when José Tavares played him in with an incisive pass. He got his brace on 65' when Maicon found him with a defence-splitting ball. We then buried them on 82' when Leon Bailey whipped in a cross to Maicon for him to tuck away. United in the next round. 

Crystal Palace (H): G. José Tavares, Fabio Martins, Leon Bailey  A. Javier Hernandez, Michail Antonio, Maicon

We wrapped up the month against Gary Neville's struggling Palace side. They're battling relegation so I was confident going in to it. We were quick out of the blocks and had them on the back foot straight away. Our opener came on 28' when Hernandez squared to Tavares who blasted it in. Our second came just four minutes later when Antonio lobbed a cross to the back post for Martins to knock in. It looked set to end that way until 90+2 when Maicon played a beautiful pass into Bailey's path and he slotted it home for three nil. A great month overall.

Key Points:

• Bailey was incredible this month as was Maicon.

• Antonio continues to be player of the season for us.

• Martins has also been quite solid.

• I really enjoy dicking teams around. Particularly Newcastle and Palace this month. I didn't get to do that much with the Saints.

• Our defence was very good this month.

• We seem to concede early a lot vs the big teams. We need to be careful of that.

Still progressing well. Should hopefully qualify for Europe either by getting into the Europa League or Champions League. Liverpool are the main surprise other than us. Them for all the wrong reasons though. Southampton, Leicester and Wolves have recovered from their shaky starts while United continue to be England's dominant force. 

Edited February 15, 2018 by Fer Fuchs Ake

[ManUtd1]

You're very much on track for Europe, and a solid push will see you in the CL. Nice work!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

31 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

You're very much on track for Europe, and a solid push will see you in the CL. Nice work!

Cheers man. I'm pretty confident at this rate of qualifying for Europa League. And yeah, with a bit of luck we might even find ourselves in the CL. Could PSG or Barca do it on a cold night in East London?

[john1]

Doing brilliant  Nice to see 6 point gap on 6th place  

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

1 hour ago, john1 said:

Doing brilliant  Nice to see 6 point gap on 6th place  

Thanks John! It's great to have this advantage over 6th and 7th. They both have slightly harder fixtures which is great. Hopefully we can increase that gap.

[noikeee]

Well, this is definitely going much better than with Southampton. Realistic chance of reaching a CL spot here!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

1 hour ago, noikeee said:

Well, this is definitely going much better than with Southampton. Realistic chance of reaching a CL spot here!

It certainly is! Qualify for Europa League/Champions League and I'll have achieved more in a season and a half at West Ham than three seasons with the Saints.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Michael had cut out the article from the Daily Tale - a local, London-based tabloid - and left it on Jonker's desk. He was going to have words with him when he showed up. He knew he'd regret letting Andries practice his ‘methods’. They had now started investigating the injury Olsen suffered a while back. The slip n slide was embarrassing but they could deal with it. If the press found out about the cannon then they'd never hear the end of it. And then there's the board. Despite his good performance, he knew he'd have some questions to answer if proof got out. But there was none. For now at least...

[ManUtd1]

The slip 'n slide is right out of the Training With Michael Owen playbook. Brilliant.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Youth Intake:

Got some improvements to Junior Coaching and Youth Recruitment earlier in the year so I had high hopes. This was pretty disappointing.

Ellis Fraser:

Great passing and vision. Physicals are a bit of a disaster. Decent mentally but needs tutoring to increase determination. First touch really needs to improve. Could become a decent squad player.

Matthew Williamson:

Only other player worth mentioning. Can't cross for jack but could become a decent defensive full back. Tackling isn't too bad and his acceleration is good. Poor mentals. Needs work but could come good.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

36 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

The slip 'n slide is right out of the Training With Michael Owen playbook. Brilliant.

Not something that he would've ever been able to try during his own (Owen?) career . If he went on a slip n slide he'd pick up a 6 month injury within the first minute.

[john1]

Fraser looks pretty decent, any decent tutor for him in your squad?

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

1 hour ago, john1 said:

Fraser looks pretty decent, any decent tutor for him in your squad?

None that I can think of off the top of my head. Winks maybe but he's tutoring Tavares atm and that started recently, just before the intake in fact. I'll take a better look when I have my laptop.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

March Update:

Loss against Liverpool was disappointing but the rest of the results were great.

Liverpool (A):

We had 22 shots to their 10 and 10 SOT to their 6. The ball went anywhere but in for us. We were very poor in front of goal basically and we were deservedly punished. Sabitzer gave them the lead against the run of play on 48'. We really pushed them after that but still couldn't get anything. Zinho Vanheusden got their second on 83' with a scrappy goal from a corner. Disappointing.

West Brom (H): G. Maicon (3), Aaron Cresswell, Michail Antonio  A. Harry Winks, Michail Antonio, Jonjo Shelvey, Fabio Martins

Well, I'm pleased to say we bounced back in style. We limited them to one SOT but they scored it! Rondon was the scorer, giving them the lead on 9'. Harry Winks found Maicon with a short pass after he got the ball from Martins' corner and Maicon's effort took a heavy deflection to give us a draw on 33'. Cresswell gave us the lead on the stroke of half time with a penalty. Substitute Jonjo Shelvey got a rare assist when he played Antonio in for 3-1 on 65'. Nyman found Antonio with a brilliant pass on 73' and Antonio crossed for Maicon who got his second of the game. We got our final goal on 77' when Fabio Martins swung in a cross from the left which Maicon knocked in. Brilliant performance from us and great to see Maicon do so well.

Man City (A): G. Michail Antonio (2), Fabio Martins, Maicon  A. Maicon (3), Patrik Nyman

I came into this match thinking that I'd be happy if we didn't lose by more than two goals. A devastating counter attacking performance saw us smash City instead! We got a surprise lead on 26' when Maicon slipped Antonio in on goal. We took that lead into half time. Maicon turned provider to goalscorer when he doubled our lead on 52' after a through ball from Nyman. We got our third a minute later when Maicon played a beautiful pass to Martins and he made no mistake. Our final goal came when Maicon found Antonio with a short pass and he got his second of the game on 60'. They did muster a consolation goal on 70' when Patrick Schick scored from close range.

Man United (H): G. Javier Hernandez (Pen)  A. None

Hernandez returned from the injury that kept him out all month albeit to start from the bench. We set up to counter attack and, while we didn't create as much as we did against City, we nullified their threat while creating a few chances. Hernandez came on for Maicon on 57' as Maicon had gone missing. He made an instant impact too as he earned a penalty on 60' which he tucked away on 61'. We held out for the rest of the game and are through to the semi final where we will face...

That's actually pretty winnable. Leicester face Chelsea in the other leg. We could be going to the final!

 

Key Points:

• Maicon has been outstanding this month.

• I don't want to jinx it but we're showing no signs of slowing down.

• We are prone to conceding early goals. That's worrying because they can negatively affect morale.

• I don't know what it is with Antonio but he has been incredible this season. We've been getting way more out of him than I thought we would.

League Table:

Solid as a rock. We've stolen quite a march on Arsenal and are looking good value to get Europa League. Champions League is certainly not out of reach either. Southampton are doing annoyingly well lately while Liverpool continue to struggle.

Also, this happened:

Brilliant to see him getting this recognition. I love him. He just breezes through defences.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 17, 2018 by Fer Fuchs Ake
On → In

[john1]

Decent draw against Middlesborough  

[oriole01]

What a set of results to respond to the Liverpool loss! Amazing stuff. Champions League should be yours if you keep getting results like that. You've found a real star in Maicon, definitely someone you can build a title-winning side around. KUTGW!

[ManUtd1]

It's a 3-way race for 3rd/4th, and Tottenham's gonna Tottenham...

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

13 hours ago, john1 said:

Decent draw against Middlesborough  

It's favourable definitely. They do have a decent squad though (abusing the loan system basically) so we'll need to be on our toes. I'm excited though. We could be going to Wembley!

13 hours ago, oriole01 said:

What a set of results to respond to the Liverpool loss! Amazing stuff. Champions League should be yours if you keep getting results like that. You've found a real star in Maicon, definitely someone you can build a title-winning side around. KUTGW!

Cheers Oriole01! 

I don't want to jinx anything but we look like we're on target for Europe - be it Europa League or Champions League. As for Maicon, we're going to be fighting off the big boys to keep him I'd say. He's brilliant.

11 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

It's a 3-way race for 3rd/4th, and Tottenham's gonna Tottenham...

Hopefully they will. A classic bottlejob from them would be very welcome.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

April Update (First Half):

You know how it goes at this stage. We had 6 matches and I don't want to hit you with a wall of text so I'll do it in two halves.

Man United (H): G. Javier Hernandez (Pen) Leon Bailey  A. Jonjo Shelvey

Now this was a great way to start the month. Like in the FA Cup, we set up to counter attack and it worked. We got an early lead on 18' when we earned a penalty. Hernandez blasted it in to give us the lead. It was cagey affair up until the 50th minute when Pietro Pellegri equalised from a tight angle. The turning point came on 88' when Sead Kolasinac got a red card. We decided to push for the winner and we got it with the last kick of the game! Jonjo Shelvey slipped in Leon Bailey and he buried it from close range. Brilliant stuff.

Bournemouth (A): G. Fabio Martins, Javier Hernandez  A. Michail Antonio

A convincing performance saw us sweep Bournemouth as we built on the United result. Fabio Martins gave us the lead on 13' with a beautiful Cresswell-esque free kick. Hernandez made it 2 on 41' after the ball ping-ponged around the box before landing at his feet. Michail Antonio then set him up for three nil when he found him with a low cross from the right. Callum Wilson was at least able to get them a consolation goal on 57' after a breakaway counter attack. Pretty good from us here.

Leicester (A): G. Fabio Martins, Javier Hernandez  A. Javier Hernandez, Claud Adjapong

Annnnnd there's the blip. We started so well with Hernandez playing Martins in for our first goal after just 16 minutes. We then won it off them from tip and scored again with Adjapong teeing Hernandez up on 17' for 2-0. I thought we'd turn into a cricket score but we bottled it. We couldn't make any of our chances pay after that and they pulled one back on 56' when Lucas Alario slotted home. We looked set to claim a narrow win before Ludovic Blas tucked home on 89'. Gutting. Got to be winning those.

 

 

[ManUtd1]

That draw against Leicester is killing me, especially after beating United.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

50 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

That draw against Leicester is killing me, especially after beating United.

Gutting. Bottling it with three minutes to go against a relegation threatened Leicester? Not good enough at all.

[john1]

Brilliant win over Man Utd!  Gutted to see being 2-0 up to 2-2  

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

April Update (Second Half):

Other than tripping up against Watford, it was a good month. Two very important things happened.

Middlesbrough (N): G. Javier Hernandez (2), Michail Antonio  A. Michail Antonio, José Tavares

We're going to Wembley! A convincing win over Middlesbrough sees is through to the final. Hernandez gave us the lead on 27' after a wonderful through ball from Tavares. We got our second shortly after when Antonio buried it after the ball bounced around in the area. Scrappy but we'd take it. Shortly after half time on 47', Antonio burst down the wing and crossed for Hernandez who tucked it away. They got themselves a consolation goal on 79' when United loanee Ben Oghogho slotted home after a beautiful counter attack on 79'. In the final, we'll face...

****. Goddamnit, Leicester! 

Swansea (H): G. Javier Hernandez, Patrik Nyman, Maicon  A. Michail Antonio (2)

We carried out good form into a clash against mid table Swansea. After just 4 minutes, Hernandez scored a goal of the season contender, belting it in from 30 yards after a pass from Antonio. We got our second on 13' when Nyman slotted it home after Antonio set him in on goal. The game was fairly quiet after that despite its hectic start. The third eventually came on 79' after the ball ricocheted around the box before Maicon pounced and smashed home the third. Good performance.

Watford (A): G. Michail Antonio, Maicon  A. Robin Olsen

I'd say you didn't expect to see Olsen's name up here! Jokes aside though, this was tragic. We took the lead early on with Antonio getting a goal on 13'. We were quick to throw it away when we let Deeney nod in on 27'. He struck again on 34' to put them 2-1 up. We leveled when Olsen's kick out went over one of their defender's heads before Maicon took it and made a 30 yard sprint into the box to slot home our equaliser on 71'. Abdoulaye Doucore put them ahead again on 76' before Iheanacho got their fourth on 84'. Really poor from us.

Key Points:

• Antonio leveled the PL assist record this month (16). Unfortunately, he got injured for three weeks afterwards so I gave him some injections. He had to get an assist in the next game or he won't be able to beat it.

• Maicon has really hot the ground running for us since January.

• Complacency may be creeping in as we were very flat against Watford. It may have been to do with fixture congestion too.

• Hernandez has had a great month.

• 

The most important key point of all so far! We're in Europe! And we may still make Champions League. In a season and a half at West Ham, I've achieved more than in three seasons at Southampton.

League Table:

We've qualified for Europa League and now we're in a great position to get into the Champions League too! Southampton are also making a push for Europa League which I have to admit is annoying me slightly. Meanwhile, the relegation battle is getting very tight while Liverpool continue to fall.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 18, 2018 by Fer Fuchs Ake

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

24 minutes ago, john1 said:

Brilliant win over Man Utd!  Gutted to see being 2-0 up to 2-2  

Cheers!  

As for the Leicester result, it was pretty poor. Such an embarrassing collapse from us.

[john1]

Will be tough against Chelsea in the final, What's your record against them with both clubs? Surely 4th is yours to lose  

[ManUtd1]

The reality is that everyone drops points, especially away from home. 4th is yours, with a cup final to play for. Well done!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

10 minutes ago, john1 said:

Will be tough against Chelsea in the final, What's your record against them with both clubs? Surely 4th is yours to lose  

Southampton:

W-1

D-1

L-4

West Ham:

W-0

D-0

L-2

Pretty awful 

11 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

The reality is that everyone drops points, especially away from home. 4th is yours, with a cup final to play for. Well done!

That true too. Has to happen at some points. Cheers! It's been a good season.

[noikeee]

On the verge of 2 pretty special achievements here... CL qualification and the FA Cup trophy... just keep up form. 

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

5 hours ago, noikeee said:

On the verge of 2 pretty special achievements here... CL qualification and the FA Cup trophy... just keep up form. 

Cheers Noikeee! Hopefully we can keep this up for the final two hurdles.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

May Update:

Such contrasting performances.

Stoke (H): G. Michail Antonio, Javier Hernandez, Maicon  A. Michail Antonio, Javier Hernandez, Patrik Nyman

Michail Antonio broke the PL assist record! Unfortunately, so did Jesús Corona and he's getting the credit for it. Javier Hernandez played in Antonio on 24' and he gave us the lead. Antonio then got his 17th assist of the campaign when he set up Hernandez on 39'. They rolled over for us and we created a decent few more chances but didn't score again until the 79th minute. Patrik Nyman hit an optimistic pass ahead of him which Maicon latched onto and slotted home. Great performance.

Everton (A):

Flat. Very, very flat. We were on the beach mentally. And we shouldn't have been because we actually had something to play for. Third place was up for grabs. But we created very little and let them score an easy goal. We played like the team people expected us to be at the start of the season which is disappointing. Denis Leroux (a regen winger) got their goal after 39 minutes and we never really threatened to equalise. A poor way to end the season. Thankfully, we did enough to get...

Hell yeah! Their highest finish since 1985/86 when they came third. West Ham are going to the Champions League! 

I then was given this announcement:

Uhhh. Slightly disappointing. I was hoping for a bit more to be honest. Mainly because we need a new backup RB, two backup playmakers (Nyman and Shelvey won't return on loan as their clubs won't let them), a backup GK and a backup winger. It's not a bad budget but I was hoping for a little bit more. Around the £50M mark.

Key Points (Season):

• We were great this season and defied all expectations. Next season will be very hard though. Fixture congestion plus presumably high board expectations.

• Antonio and Hernandez were a brilliant partnership.

• Olsen set a West Ham clean sheet record with 17 this season. We were pretty solid defensively though we did concede early a lot. We'll have to be careful of that next season.

• Maicon is the undoubted star of the future. We'll be fighting off the big teams in a season or two. Tavares is also a very bright prospect.

• Yuri will return next season. He's not as good as Maicon but he's still quite good for his age. He'll be a backup.

 

League Table:

We've made it to Champions League but could've come third and avoided the hassle of CL knockout rounds. Slightly annoying but I'll certainly take 4th. Southampton also make Europe, albeit the Europa League. That should be interesting. Imagine if we dropped into Europa League and met them in a knockout round...

Meanwhile, unfortunately for @oriole01, Wolves got relegated on the final day. Stoke just avoid relegation and will face Leverkusen in the Europa League final in a week's time. Surreal. United continue to dominate England while Liverpool have flopped this season, never quite replacing Coutinho, Firmino, Mane or Salah.

 

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Also, this happened. Michael King is Manager of the Year! He's coming up in the world a bit. 

I'll almost certainly have the FA Cup final for you tomorrow. We'll try to top off what's been a great season.

Edited February 19, 2018 by Fer Fuchs Ake
Well → we'll

[ManUtd1]

That wage/transfer budget probably reflects the fact that, having finished 4th, you're in the CL qualifying rounds.  At least, that'd be my guess.

[BoxToBox]

8 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

That wage/transfer budget probably reflects the fact that, having finished 4th, you're in the CL qualifying rounds.  At least, that'd be my guess.

Not any more, top 4 in England get a group appearance handed to them.

 

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

3 minutes ago, BoxToBox said:

Not any more, top 4 in England get a group appearance handed to them.

 

Ah perfect. So it didn't matter whether we finished 3rd or 4th? 

 

14 minutes ago, ManUtd1 said:

That wage/transfer budget probably reflects the fact that, having finished 4th, you're in the CL qualifying rounds.  At least, that'd be my guess.

I suppose we're not as rich as most clubs who qualify for CL so it's naturally lower than the likes of Spurs, Atletico etc. It's not a terrible budget - I think we'll be able to get our targets with that. It'll be tight though. They're not giving me any breathing room. We may need to resort to a loan/transfer listed players.

[BoxToBox]

4 minutes ago, Fer Fuchs Ake said:

Ah perfect. So it didn't matter whether we finished 3rd or 4th? 

Nope, no difference any more.

[ManUtd1]

46 minutes ago, BoxToBox said:

Not any more, top 4 in England get a group appearance handed to them.

 

Doh.  I forgot about that change and -- not being on FM 18 yet -- was clearly wrong!  

[noikeee]

Honestly that budget is a bit **** for a Premier League side these days. Your board are cheapskates. But congratulations on qualifying!

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

17 hours ago, BoxToBox said:

Nope, no difference any more.

Brilliant! Straight into the group stage we go.

3 hours ago, noikeee said:

Honestly that budget is a bit **** for a Premier League side these days. Your board are cheapskates. But congratulations on qualifying!

It is a bit, I was just trying to not complain too much. . They certainly are cheapskates. I don't know if I've mentioned it before but they refuse a lot of upgrades. 

“I want to improve youth recruitment.”

“No”

“Please?”

“No”

“Do it.”

“Ok”

What about junior coaching budget?”

“No”

“Please?” 

“No. That concludes this meeting.”

They're such blue cocks.

Cheers though! Looking forward to next season.

Edited February 20, 2018 by Fer Fuchs Ake

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

Michael couldn't quite believe what was happening. He was at Wembley with a chance to win one of the most historical cups going! He wandered through the labyrinth-like stadium in a daze, in search of his side's dressing room. With him was assistant manager and close friend, Andries Jonker who was surprisingly solemn today. None of his usual antics or jokes. They strolled silently through the stadium, both looking nervous. He knew he wouldn't be able to show this side of himself to his players or the cameras. He'd have to be stoic and confident then, like he'd done it all before. But for now he was allowing himself to show his anxiousness ahead of the upcoming match. The pair turned a corner and found themselves face to face with Chelsea boss Antonio Conte who looked much calmer, this was not his first final. He sneered, shook his head and disappeared into - presumably - the Chelsea dressing room.

“Bastard”, Michael grumbled, “Antonio Conte? More like Antonio Cun-”

“In here Michael.”, Andries interrupted.

Michael followed him in to the dressing room where his squad was waiting. 

“Alright lads. Okay. Umm...” 

He had completely forgotten to prepare a team talk. He cursed himself silently for being so stupid.

“Look. Uhh... For most of you, it's the biggest game you've played so far. It's a cup final. And not just any cup. It's the FA Cup. And er...”

S***. He was losing them. He could tell.

“You've got people up and down the country supporting you today. Fans who've turned up here. Fans who'll be watching on TV, listening to the radio and so on. You're the neutrals' favourite. Because you're the underdogs. And because they're Chelsea of course. 

“Yeah, **** 'em!”, yells Maicon who'd adapted to England quite quickly.

Michael was somewhat thrown but he continued. “Exactly!”, he roared. “**** em! London is purple! Not red! Not blue! Not white! Now go out there and ****ing win it!”

It wasn't the most convincing closing line to a speech but it worked. They ran out of the dressing room, all fired up. And Michael adjusted his suit, picked up his notes and got ready for the biggest 90 minutes of his life.

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

“Welcome to BT Sport's coverage of the FA Cup final. You join me Robbie Savage and my co-commentator, Gary Lineker. The teams have been announced and all that's left is for the players to shake hands,the anthem to be sung and the coin to be flipped.”

“And the match to start, Robbie.”

“Shut up Gary. It goes without saying, you complete and utter ****.”

“You left your mic on, Robbie. Actually, speaking of Maicon, I wonder if he'll be make an appearance today. He starts on the bench.”

“They know. We've already announced the lineups you massive wa-”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 20, 2018 by Fer Fuchs Ake

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

“Welcome back. You join me, Gary Lineker without my former co-commentator Robbie Savage as he, like King at Southampton, has had his contract swiftly terminated. The teams are ready and Chelsea will kick off.”

2' - “Chelsea have worked this nicely and it's Samper to Mane. Mane now on the edge of the box. Wide! Wasteful from Mane and that's the first shot of the game here.”

20'- “And it's bad news for Chelsea. Star striker Paulo Dybala has clashed heads with Axel Tuanzebe and he'll have to come off. Kingsley Coman will replace him.”

On the touchline, Michael gives Conte a goading wink. Dybala's injury was a complete accident but he doesn't need to know that. Conte looks furious.

26'- “Lovely build up play from Chelsea here. It's Mane now on the right. Oh, he's skinned Cresswell! Mane with the cross and it's COMAN! OFF THE POST! How on earth has he missed a four yard header?”

33'- “And Chelsea's day goes from bad to worse. First Dybala limps off injured and now it's Kante. He looks to have suffered a concussion. We'll hope it's not serious. Another clash of heads causing the injury, this time with Patrik Nyman. Nyman is fine to continue but Kante will have to come off.”

45+3'- “There's the half time whistle. It's been pretty quiet. West Ham have set up to counter attack and they've nullified Chelsea, though they haven't created much of their own. We'll hope the second half is more lively.”

 

Edited February 20, 2018 by Fer Fuchs Ake

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

“Welcome back to the BT Sport coverage of the FA Cup final between West Ham United and Chelsea. I'm your commentator Gary Lineker, flying solo because Robbie is unprofessional.”

45'- “Neither side makes changes at half time. We kick off again with West Ham getting us back underway.”

57'- “PENALTY! Sadio Mane bursts into the box and looks to shoot but Tin Jedvaj steps in to tackle. He completely mistimes it and has tripped Mane up for a penalty. Alaba vs Olsen. It's ALABAAAA! ONE-NIL TO CHELSEA! DAVID ALABA GIVES CHELSEA THE LEAD!”

58'- “West Ham switch to their regular style now. Their 4-4-1-1 will become a 4-2-3-1 as King urges his players to push forward.”

59'- “West Ham are looking to change things up here. Nyman will be replaced by José Tavares. What can the young Portuguese playmaker do?”

68'- “West Ham make another change. This time, Maicon replaces Hernandez. Hansen once said that you can never win anything with kids. Will King prove him right or wrong?”

77'- “Martins now. To Winks. Nice pass to Bailey. Lovely first time ball from Bailey to Maicon. MAICON WITH A BEAUTIFUL BALL THROUGH TO TAVARES! AND TAVARES SCORES!!! JOSÉ TAVARES LEVELS THINGS UP FOR WEST HAM! The two substitutes combine and West Ham are level.

79'- “It's not Chelsea who are gambling on youth. Callum Hudson-Odoi replaces Sadio Mane. Can he help Chelsea find the winner?”

83'- “José Tavares intercepts Vit Vanek's pass to Samper. He finds Maicon running up through the middle. Lovely first touch from Maicon! He's bearing down on goal! MAICON!!! WEST HAM LEAD! WITH JUST FOUR 7 MINUTES TO GO, WEST HAM HAVE THE LEAD! TAVARES WITH A LOVELY THROUGH BALL AND MAICON MAY WELL BE WEST HAM'S HERO TODAY!”

89'- ”Five minutes of added time. West Ham parking the bus as muchas they can. Will they hold out?”

90+5'- “FULL TIME!!! WEST HAM HAVE BEATEN CHELSEA WITH TWO LATE GOALS! Maicon and Tavares with both goals and assists. King's men rejoice! They are FA Cup champions of 2022!

 

Brilliant stuff. What a season it's been for us.

[oriole01]

[john1]

YAS  

[ManUtd1]

I concur. If Antonio Conte owned a boat, it'd be called the Seaward.

[Edit: congrats on the FA Cup win, by the way! ]

Edited February 21, 2018 by ManUtd1

[Fer Fuchs Ake]

9 hours ago, oriole01 said:

Cheers!

9 hours ago, john1 said:

YAS  

 Me at full time.

7 hours ago, ManUtd1 said:

I concur. If Antonio Conte owned a boat, it'd be called the Seaward.

[Edit: congrats on the FA Cup win, by the way! ]

One of my favourite jokes from the show. 

“You can get rid of the Seaward.”

“I'll leave when I'm good and ready.”

Cheers!