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In the beginning

Walter Smith's nervous breakdown couldn't have come at a worse time. Under the circumstances it was felt that managing the national team could only add to his problems and so it was with heavy hearts that the SFA turned to me. My only decision was how long to leave them hanging as retribution for opting for Smith in the first place. I held out for about four seconds.

With my long coat and unkempt hair dancing enigmatically in the Glasgow breeze I marched into the Hampden offices with plans for world domination. Were it not for the National Stadium's lack of nuclear weapons it could have been literal the way I was feeling that morning. I could've walked through a brick wall. Sadly the brick wall didn't agree, and only luck prevented my tumble being broadcast live on Reporting Scotland.

Assembling a top class staff was going to be vital. Rainer Bonhof had agreed to remain u21 boss for the time being, and I was persuaded to allow Walter Smith to take an honourary coaching title. Tommy Burns and Jimmy Calderwood were recruited as my top team coaches, providing experience and balance, as well as great knowledge of the Scottish game. Gordon Strachan was to be my assistant insofar as I thoguht he was a great coach and he wanted to help Scotland. If a top club position were to arise he had my blessing to take it on. Dundee United manager Ian McCall completed my team by accepting the task of Youth Development Director and manager of the under 19 squad.

The list was slipped to Chick Young in advance as I sought to get the meeja onside, and a press conference was arranged. With games against Uruguay and Slovenia fast approaching we had precious little time to build a team. I opted, and stated this base openly, to go for form over all other considerations, thoguh with the season so young this skewed the selection somewhat.

The goalkeepers chosen were Inverness stopper Mark Brown, Jamie Langfield of Dunfermline and Norwich City backup Paul Gallacher. Admittedly the last choice was not ideal, but in the circumstances it was not a slot I had a lot of options for. Defensively we went for David Lilley and Gordon Greer of Kilmarnock, Hibs' veteran Gary Smith - a former international - Hearts captain Steven Pressley, Arsenal new boy Andy Webster, Inverness full back Ross Tokely and Gary Caldwell, another Hibernian player. There was my first mistake - no left back.

The midfielders remaining after calloffs were Mark Kerr of Dundee United, Paul Hartley from Hearts, Aberdeen's Fergus Tiernan, Killie starlet Gary McDonald, Ian Paul McShane of Grindavík, Manchester United prodigy Darren Fletcher, Jim Paterson now at Motherwell, Barry Robson, like Kerr from Dundee United, Scott Mckenna Ramsey of Keflavik in Iceland, former hot prospect Stephen Glass of Hibs and another Killie man, Paul Di Giacomo. Barry Ferguson, naturally, withdrew.

In attack we were limited and opted in the end for Everton man James McFadden, Derek Lilley of Livingston, Dundee United's Jim McIntyre, Robbie Winters of Brann Bergen in Norway and the SPL's top scorer Dennis Wyness of Hearts.

The reaction was altogether underwhelming, and despite playing not at all badly a 2-0 defeat at home to Uruguay in my one warm up friendly was not at all well-received. The South Americans defended well throughout and we couldn't break through. The XI fielded consisted of Brown in goals, Caldwell, Tokely, Smith and David Lilley across the back, with Webster and Greer replacing Lilley and Tokely at the interval, Kerr, Fletcher, Robson and McFadden in midfield and Derek Lilley paired with Dennis Wyness in attack. Paul Di Giacomo replaced Lilley at the interval and allowed McFadden to move up front, to little effect.

Slovenia was just a few days ahead and the pressure that I had hoped to avoid was mounting. It was bound to set the tone for my managerial reign, so it had to be the right performance on the night. These were the players I chose, the buck would, rightly, stop with me.

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In the beginning

Walter Smith's nervous breakdown couldn't have come at a worse time. Under the circumstances it was felt that managing the national team could only add to his problems and so it was with heavy hearts that the SFA turned to me. My only decision was how long to leave them hanging as retribution for opting for Smith in the first place. I held out for about four seconds.

With my long coat and unkempt hair dancing enigmatically in the Glasgow breeze I marched into the Hampden offices with plans for world domination. Were it not for the National Stadium's lack of nuclear weapons it could have been literal the way I was feeling that morning. I could've walked through a brick wall. Sadly the brick wall didn't agree, and only luck prevented my tumble being broadcast live on Reporting Scotland.

Assembling a top class staff was going to be vital. Rainer Bonhof had agreed to remain u21 boss for the time being, and I was persuaded to allow Walter Smith to take an honourary coaching title. Tommy Burns and Jimmy Calderwood were recruited as my top team coaches, providing experience and balance, as well as great knowledge of the Scottish game. Gordon Strachan was to be my assistant insofar as I thoguht he was a great coach and he wanted to help Scotland. If a top club position were to arise he had my blessing to take it on. Dundee United manager Ian McCall completed my team by accepting the task of Youth Development Director and manager of the under 19 squad.

The list was slipped to Chick Young in advance as I sought to get the meeja onside, and a press conference was arranged. With games against Uruguay and Slovenia fast approaching we had precious little time to build a team. I opted, and stated this base openly, to go for form over all other considerations, thoguh with the season so young this skewed the selection somewhat.

The goalkeepers chosen were Inverness stopper Mark Brown, Jamie Langfield of Dunfermline and Norwich City backup Paul Gallacher. Admittedly the last choice was not ideal, but in the circumstances it was not a slot I had a lot of options for. Defensively we went for David Lilley and Gordon Greer of Kilmarnock, Hibs' veteran Gary Smith - a former international - Hearts captain Steven Pressley, Arsenal new boy Andy Webster, Inverness full back Ross Tokely and Gary Caldwell, another Hibernian player. There was my first mistake - no left back.

The midfielders remaining after calloffs were Mark Kerr of Dundee United, Paul Hartley from Hearts, Aberdeen's Fergus Tiernan, Killie starlet Gary McDonald, Ian Paul McShane of Grindavík, Manchester United prodigy Darren Fletcher, Jim Paterson now at Motherwell, Barry Robson, like Kerr from Dundee United, Scott Mckenna Ramsey of Keflavik in Iceland, former hot prospect Stephen Glass of Hibs and another Killie man, Paul Di Giacomo. Barry Ferguson, naturally, withdrew.

In attack we were limited and opted in the end for Everton man James McFadden, Derek Lilley of Livingston, Dundee United's Jim McIntyre, Robbie Winters of Brann Bergen in Norway and the SPL's top scorer Dennis Wyness of Hearts.

The reaction was altogether underwhelming, and despite playing not at all badly a 2-0 defeat at home to Uruguay in my one warm up friendly was not at all well-received. The South Americans defended well throughout and we couldn't break through. The XI fielded consisted of Brown in goals, Caldwell, Tokely, Smith and David Lilley across the back, with Webster and Greer replacing Lilley and Tokely at the interval, Kerr, Fletcher, Robson and McFadden in midfield and Derek Lilley paired with Dennis Wyness in attack. Paul Di Giacomo replaced Lilley at the interval and allowed McFadden to move up front, to little effect.

Slovenia was just a few days ahead and the pressure that I had hoped to avoid was mounting. It was bound to set the tone for my managerial reign, so it had to be the right performance on the night. These were the players I chose, the buck would, rightly, stop with me.

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Slovenia

There couldn't be wholesale changes to the lineup for Slovenia, but I did spend many hours talking to Gordon, Jimmy and Tommy about the options available. The lack of a natural left back was a blow, but Gary Naysmith and Steven Hammell should play a part in future squads. In the end it was decided to play Steven Pressley in the role and he was shîte, I'd rate his performance at about four out of ten, abysmal. Caldwell, Smith and Webster completed the back four though and they, along with Brown, were immense. More than enough to sustain a clean sheet for ninety minutes.

Mark Kerr anchored the midfield as he had against the Uruguayans, with Fletcher and Robson ahead and Di Giacomo coming in to support McFadden and Wyness up front. The Manchester United player opened the scoring after ten minutes and from the resulting kickoff we robbed the Slovenes of possession and embarked on a swift attack culminating in Dennis Wyness' first international goal. A McFadden double before the interval completed the scoring, as we took 45 minutes to reflect on what we had achieved in the first half without breaking much more of a sweat. Barry Robson was the outstanding performer, but it was an all-around top level performance, with the exception of that nonce Pressley. I instructed him to get a man's haircut or risk never playing for his nation again. Ever. Gordon Strachan felt I was being unkind and told me to "shut the f*ck up you big f*cker". Such a nice man.

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More footballers

David Lilley and Gordon Greer weren't even considered for my next squad, with Jim McIntyre, Ross Tokely, Gary McDonald, Jim Paterson and Fergus Tiernan also dropping out. The replacements were Kenny Miller (Wolves), Steven Hammell (Sheffield Wednesday), Gary Naysmith (Everton), Barry Ferguson (Blackburn), Robbie Foy (Liverpool), Christian Dailly (West Ham) and Gary Teale (Wigan) replacing them.

Stephen Glass subsequently withdrew to be replaced by Darren Young of Dunfermline, then he withdrew to have his place taken by Ian Murray (Werder Bremen). Paul Dickov (Blackburn) came in for the injured Kenny Miller and Robbie Nielson (Sheffield Wednesday) was selected when Gary Caldwell got hurt, but through some miracle we made it to matchday without having been deprived of the services of Barry Ferguson.

As a result we lined up in the familiar formation with Brown in goals, Neilson and Naysmith in the full back positions and Webster teaming up with Smith once more in defence. Kerr, Fletcher, Robson and Di Giacomo continuted in midfield, with Ferguson on the bench, whilst the attack was also unchanged, Wyness and McFadden having earned another start. Norway were waiting as once again we stepped out at Hampden Park, deafened by the best fans in the world...

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Norway

An early scare put the crowd on edge as a John Carew header was knocked off the line by Barry Robson, but luck was smiling on us and we survived. Another huge break followed as a hoofed clearance sent Di Giacomo through on goal. The defence caught up to him, but the ball spun to McFadden 10 yards out on the angle and he lofted the ball over a stunned Rune Andreassen to hand us a vital lead. Set plays were always expected to cause us a problem, and so it proved as another corner saw Tommy Berntsen rise highest and nod home the leveller.

It wasn't the freest flowing game in the world and with halftime approaching I suspect both I and my opposite number would've been happy to go in tied and regroup, but in a freak moment of deja vu Paul Di Giacomo was tackled on the point of shooting. This time the ball broke to an unattended Dennis Wyness 3 yards out and the little striker prodded home our second goal of the afternoon. The 50008 inside Hampden, at least those of them who were there to cheer on Scotland, rose as one to acclaim a new hero, and the half time reverie was truly effervescent.

Little did they know that 13 minutes after the interval Norway would have forraged ahead with two scrappy goals and we would be reeling. The only sub-standard performer at this stage was Barry Robson, so Barry Ferguson took his place on the pitch as my side looked to regroup. Time though was ticking away and when Darren Fletcher missed a great chance in injury time our chances looked close to nil. So it proved, we were defeated by an at best average Norwegian side in a game where if we deserved a draw it was the best we could have hoped for. Neither side was on form, neither keeper looked impressive, we lost. That was the bottom line and the group table looked somewhat dodgy as we boarded the plane to Moldova.

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@ Moldova

Steven Pressley was the sole withdrawal between the matches, with Aberdeen's Russel Anderson replacing him in the squad. Mark Brown's fumblitis in the previous game saw the slightly less nervous looking Jamie Langfield start in goals, and Christian Dailly came in for Barry Robson, with Mark Kerr stepping into the heart of the midfield.

Wyness' hot streak continued with the only goal of a tense first half, but he wasn't finished and added another 7 minutes after the break to entrench us in the driving seat. I introduced Ferguson, Foy and Murray with twenty minutes to go and the game all but won, which almost proved inspired as the former Rangers man teed up the Liverpool youngster to sting the palms of Gordienco in the Moldovan goal. The match ended 2-0 with Fletcher the clear star and the table could have looked a lot worse.

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">

P Pts GD

Italy 4 10 +7

Norway 4 6 +1

Scotland 3 6 +5

Slovenia 4 5 -3

Belarus 3 3 -2

Moldova 4 1 -8</pre>

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Latvia

Friendly matches are a waste of time, so I promoted some kids to the full squad for the game against Latvia. The full squad was:

Craig Gordon (Hearts)

Jamie Langfield (Dunfermline)

David Marshall (Celtic)

Robbie Neilson (Sheffield Wednesday)

Gary Smith (Hibernian)

Russell Anderson (Aberdeen)

Andy Webster (Arsenal)

Steven Hammell (Sheffield Wednesday)

Gary Naysmith (Everton)

Christian Dailly (West Ham)

Ian Murray (Werder Bremen)

Mark Kerr (Dundee United)

Paul Hartley (Hearts)

Barry Ferguson (Blackburn)

Fergus Tiernan (Aberdeen)

Gary Teale (Wigan)

Stephen Pearson (Celtic)

Darren Fletcher (Manchester United)

Joe Hamill (Hearts)

Kevin Byers (Brechin City)

Paul Di Giacomo (Kilmarnock)

James McFadden (Everton)

Paul Dickov (Blackburn)

Paul Gallagher (Blackburn)

Robbie Winters (Brann Bergen)

Dennis Wyness (Hearts)

Wyness subsequently withdrew, so I opted to call up Dunfermline's Craig Brewster as a sort of "well done on a nice career" move and Robbie Winters picked up an injury, resulting in Wolves' Kenny Miller being drafted in at short notice.

Possibly Scotland's least experience starting XI in living memory took the field with an amassed nine caps between them, Jamie Langfield having debuted in Moldova, Robbie Neilson with two appearances, Russell Anderson three, Ian Murray a pair and one for Blackburn striker Paul Gallagher. Steven Hammell, Fergus Tiernan, Paul Hartley, Gary Teale, Kevin Byers and Craig Brewster debuted with uncapped Joe Hamill on the bench.

The perfect start transpired after five minutes as Byers teed up Paul Gallagher for a sensational drive to open the scoring, and the favour was returned fifteen minutes later as the Blackburn man laid the ball off for a long range screamer as the Brechin man became the first Second Division player to score for Scotland that I could remember.

The game was far from one-sided as the Baltic side created a series of openings, but a Brewster wonder-strike on the counter attack all but sealed the victory after 35 minutes. The veteran added another in the 45th minute and the experiment could be declared a success even by half time.

Hamill debuted in place of Teale after the break and Craig Gordon replaced Langfield in goal but we weren't slowed as Byers and Gallagher went close early in the second period. Craig Brewster completed his hat-trick after 75, at which stage I replaced him with James McFadden, potentially bringing an end to what statistics may record as one of the greatest international careers ever. Pearson came on for the sensational Byers at the same time as we looked to keep entertaining. A second goal for Gallagher made it six with ten minutes to go and the Latvians looked disspirited. McFadden rattled a post with time expiring, but the job was done. Scotland could believe again, at least until the New Year.

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Latvia, again

Lack of imagination lead to a second consecutive friendly with Latvia, again at Hampden, so I picked a near-identical squad, the fit-again Dennis Wyness the only addition with Joe Hamill dropping out due to injury.

Gary McDonald celebrated his move to Bayern Munchen with a recall when Darren Fletcher went down in training, before Barry Ferguson (surprise, surprise) withdrew and Derek Riordan of Hibs received the call. Paul Di Giacomo was next to pull out and I opted to bring Gary Caldwell back into the fray in his place. The phone calls were coming thick and fast now, and it was Wyness who was next to withdraw, leading to the first-ever selection of the SPL's form striker, Dundee United's James Grady. Mark Fotheringham replaced Kevin Byers as the injury problem reached epidemic levels and Phil McGuire came in for his Aberdeen teammate Russell Anderson. Eventually we arrived at matchday and fielded an XI with McGuire and Fotheringham starting in place of injured players and Teale giving way to McDonald. The team starting had fourteen caps prior to kickoff.

Seventy-two seconds in it was the Latvians who led as a corner was headed home, but if the fans thought we'd just shown up for a kick-about they were to be proved wrong. Craig Brewster's Indian Summer continued with a blistering long range drive to tie the scores before Fotheringham burst into the box for a stunning debut strike.

Riordan and Grady debuted in the second period in place of Gallagher and Brewster, but it was Latvia who rallied and a fabulous Langfield stop preceded a heart-stopping stramash in the six yard box before the ball was eventually cleared. Webster, Teale, Kerr and Smith were introduced late on but the final whistle denied Grady our third and the game ended as it stood at the half. It was a win and it was more experience, but the fans did not appreciate the disparity with our previous encounter one little bit.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Italy

This game was a foregone conclusion, so I picked the following squad based almost entirely on current form - if we were going to lose we may as well not give the media cause to point the finger at me for passing over this guy or that guy:

Goalies

Craig Gordon, Jamie Langfield, David Marshall

Defenders

Russell Anderson, Gary Caldwell, Steven Hammell, Phil McGuire, Ian Murray, Gary Naysmith, Robbie Neilson, Steven Pressley, Gary Smith

Midfielders

Barry Ferguson, Darren Fletcher, Mark Fotheringham, Stephen Glass, Stephen Hughes, Mark Kerr, Gary McDonald, Gary Teale, Fergus Tiernan

Forwards

Paul Gallagher, James Grady, James McFadden, Derek Riordan, Dennis Wyness

Withdrawals

Stephen Glass, Steven Pressley

Replacements

Paul Hartley, Andy Webster

As a result we went with a starting lineup that looked a lot like 4-4-2 with Gordon in goals, Smith, Anderson, Murray and Hammell across the back, Teale, Hughes, McDonald and Fotheringham in the midfield and McFadden partnering Wyness in attack.

Italy scored through Vieri early on and we knew the game was lost. We didn't have the ability to come back from a one goal deficit, so we fastened the safety belts and got set for a bumpy ride. Del Piero made it two midway through the first half and just when it looked like we might get a shot of the ball they took it off us again and Gordon had to race to the touchline to dispossess Delvecchio. It was two to nothing at the break.

Fletcher, Webster and Ferguson came on for Anderson, Fotheringham and Hughes at the break, and half an hour later Webster conceded a penalty which Gordon saved. The game ended 2-0 in a tumultuous anticlimax. Nobody was impressed, infact nobody said much at all, where an international would traditionally rake 5 pages in the papers this one took up two, no anti-manager rhetoric, no glorious triumph analysis. Nothing.

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Bahrain

A mindless decision to fly to Bahrain after the Italy game resulted in a lacklustre performance. The XI who finished the Italy game started and trailed 1-0 before Gary Teale was stretchered off to be replaced by Mark Kerr. A red card for James McFadden with just under half an hour to go seemed to kill off the fixture, as the tired and uninspired players simply went through the motions.

Derek Riordan should've levelled late on, but he failed to beat the keeper 1-on-1, the danger was cleared and the match was over. If you found somebody who cared he'd be the only one. For the record the final score was 2-0.

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Press Statement

With the press deciding that losing to Bahrain was "unacceptable for Scotland" I decided to take a stance. In a carefully prepared statement I announced:

"If Scotland don't qualify for the World Cup I will walk away from the job. So shut the f*ck up. B*stards."

That should sort them out.

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Moldova

With Wyness and Teale unavailable I called up Stephen Pearson and David Clarkson to the squad. Remarkably Pearson rejected the call and the press were informed that I would never pick him for Scotland again. Christian Dailly filled the spot. We went 4-5-1 for the visit of the Moldovans. Marshall began in goals, Caldwell, Dailly, McGuire and Naysmith lined up across the back, protected by Fergus Tiernan with Paul Hartley, Barry Ferguson, Darren Fletcher and Ian Murray in midfield. David Clarkson got the nod in attack.

A goalless first half was not unanticipated and Clarkson's 62nd minute debut goal had us on the road to a victory we desperately needed if qualification were to remain a realistic goal. Paul Dickov replaced the striker with about fifteen minutes to go, but three minutes from the end disaster struck as the Moldovans tied it all up with a good strike from outside the box. They didn't deserve it, but they had it and qualification just became a little more remote.

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@ Belarus

Some shuffling for the trip to Belarus saw Ian Murray drop to centre back, Dailly step into the holding midfield role, Riordan start on the left wing and McFadden come in up front. This match was very much win or go home, and we weren't ready to fold just yet.

Once again a goalless first half ensued but this time we went behind to a deflected strike ten minutes into the second half. A second goal for the home side five minutes later was a sickener. Defeat followed. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

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@ Norway

A chance for redemption, in Norway, but the team is by now disspirited. Leading through a Dailly penalty though we sense one last chance to save our dream. Solskjaer's leveller though sucks away any hope that remained.

The draw leaves us four points behind second placed Slovenia with a pair of matches to come, at home to Belarus and in Ljubljana. Amazingly we aren't yet eliminated, who'd've thunk it, eh?

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Belarus

This time it was for definite. Anything less than victory would see us eliminated from the World Cup with one match to play. Even three points would be insufficient if Slovenia were to be victorious in their game in Rome. Whilst that seemed unlikely, a lot had to go right for Scotland not to be shamed tonight.

Desperate times call for desperate measures so we went into the game with Craig Gordon in goals, Jackie McNamara at right back, Gary Naysmith on the left and the pairing of Aberdeen's Russell Anderson and Arsenal's Andy Webster in the middle. Celtic's Neil Janczyk debuted in the holding role, with Scott Brown in midfield alongside James McFaddem, Mark Kerr and Darren Fletcher. Rangers youngster Ross McCormack debuted up front.

McCormack stunned the visitors with a fourth minute opener as we looked strong in the opening exchanges and despite a late surge from Belarus we led at half time, with no player disgracing himself. There had been criticism of my tactics in the press of late, with many claiming that I was "happy to draw", or "playing not to lose". One biting comment stated that "even where his players play to the best of their abilities, Bartholomew's tactics do not put them in a position to win games."

With McCormack tiring I introduced Paul Dickov with about fifteen minutes to play, but a series of early missed chances made me question opting against a hungry Dennis Wyness. With two minutes to go though, McFadden made it 2-0, and with Italy producing a similar home win, all eyes turned to Slovenia where a win, coupled with Norway failing to take all three points in Belarus, would see us into the playoffs!

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@Slovenia

With James McFadden and Darren Fletcher pulling out due to injury our chances of making the playoffs were gone. Still we hoped to put up a respectable show in Slovenia, and despite trailing 1-0 at the break we felt we'd put in a good shift.

In the event Norway were winning heavily in Belarus anyhow, so victory would've been heartbreaking, but the final score of 2-1 to the home side, after Paul Dickov had levelled matters, meant that it was the Norwegians who had to suffer. Ultimately we had paid the price for our lack of ability. The other teams were better than we were and as manager that was down to me. At least we'd gone into the final game with a fighting chance, though never more than a fool's hope.

At a press conference the next day I announced that I was going to be true to my word. I resigned, Gordon Strachan was unveiled as my successor and the Scottish press and public hailed yet another "new era". Good luck to them.

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre">

P W D L F A Gd Pts

Italy 10 9 1 0 22 0 +22 28

Slovenia 10 4 4 2 12 13 -1 16

Norway 10 4 2 4 18 14 +4 14

Scotland 10 3 2 5 13 12 +1 11

Belarus 10 3 0 7 13 21 -8 9

Moldova 10 1 3 6 8 26 -18 6

</pre>

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