GRUMPY GROCKLE – the worst manager with the worst team in history

[phnompenhandy]

"grockle"? Google it!!

 

This is a career thread with a difference – it’s about creating a fantasy scenario and immersing in it – the narrative’s the thing rather than the usual focus on attributes and results. It’s not for everyone. But if you fancy indulging me, the story goes like this:

Down in Plymouth, where I lived for 18 years is The College of St. Mark & St. John – ‘Marjon’. I studied for my Masters’ there and was a guest lecturer – many moons ago.

*

 

In this alternative universe its sports faculty quietly became an affiliate of St. George’s at Burton, which has invested a bit of money in the facilities, and with the part-time club being bought out by a wealthy Faroese consortium, it has embarked on an exciting new experiment.

A tightly-knit squad of 23 very promising young talents aged from 14 to 17 have joined the club with the ambition of sticking together to take the club up the pyramid from the tenth tier to …. well, let’s see how far we go. You might think the names and faces are familiar, but you’re in for a surprise.

 

[Fourth wall breaker: I’ve taken a group of my favourite footballers and run them through the pre-game editor. They’ve all come out with CA 1 and all their CA-dependent attributes randomised whilst keeping their positions, traits and PA as was. Seeing them attempt their preferred moves without the ability to do so should be a hoot, and it should be a constant challenge trying to fit them into real-world roles they are not suited for in this world.]

Here's the full squad with Salah as an example of what I've done to them.

 

Edited October 25, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

The Faroese owners have appointed their own staff – I’ll meet them later. However, I must mention my assistant manager. In this universe, poor Roberto de Zerbi never took the Brighton job – he’d had some traumatic experience in Italy that he won’t talk about, and after months of going off grid, he’s emerged at our club with a desire to stay under the radar while he regains his wits, and let me be the club figurehead.

I myself am woefully unqualified and the board have defined my role very strictly. I have no badges and no qualifications. Initially, my assistant De Zerbi will take training, and the Director of Football all transfer activity. All I have responsibility for is picking the team and tactics.

When I get my first badge (after studying at St. George’s), I’m assured I can take general team training (i.e. use the General schedules and Match Prep only). After the second badge, I’ll be let loose on team training however I like, assuming our coaching staff have the appropriate skills. With the third badge, I’m in charge of the youth/reserves general team training (i.e. the academy kids our Head of Youth Development brings through – they’ll all be local kids). With the fourth badge, I can set individual training. I might have been sacked and be at a second club by this point, as Roberto may be well by this point and choose to stay. If the board doesn't allow me to go on courses, I'm stuffed and will have to resign. Once I've been at a club at least a full year AND have 3+ badges AND a promotion, I get a say in transfer business (we'll still be at semi-professional level and not have money for bringing players in or paying them since all finances will be invested into training and youth infrastructure).

 

Edited October 25, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

And here we go:

 

[phnompenhandy]

The board is pleasantly unambitious as far as my job goes even if they have big dreams for the club. Just as well when you see what the bookies think. What are the odds?!

 

 

We start (and probably stay) in the 10th tier in a division with no relegation. We're going to take this campaign sloooowwwww.....

Edited October 25, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

Here's the club page at the start - I've done it up nice, and a more colourful rendition of the whole squad (me and Roberto haven't met them yet so don't worry about tactics and star ratings yet).

 

 

I'm particularly excited to see how the trio of 14-year-olds develop - that's Bellingham, Ferguson and Haaland. I'm slightly concerned that Roberto and I don't see eye-to-eye on my tactics; I'm going with a defensive pressing forward to bring the two inside forwards into the attack, but he doesn't think I'll persist and won't give them individual coaching on the tactic. Oh well, my day will come in due course.

Edited October 26, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

Here's 16-year-old Joao Cancelo as an example of what 1 CA gets you:

 

My hunch is their strength and stamina will be an issue, but I can see these boys competing against men soon enough. The interesting question is, how well can these lads develop at this club. Our facilities are the second-best in non-league in the South-West (bettered only by Torquay United), but De Zerbi aside, our coaching isn't top class and the level of competition modest. I've given them dubiously long contracts to try to keep them at the club - can we keep the squad together? Will De Zerbi stick around - we'll be stuffed without him.

 

It's all to play for!

Edited October 25, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

I’m picking up the vibe that the most influential personalities in the locker room are Salah and Son. They’re good lads, but I’d prefer to pick Saka and Mitoma as my inside forwards – might need to diplomatically play the popular two more. Neither strike me as captaincy material out on the pitch though – I’ll be appointing van Dijk for that – he does appear to have the authority and organisation skills to take on the responsibility. I’m also noting the quiet authority of the Irish kid, Ferguson. One for the future there.

Despite my preferred formation being a 4-2-3-1, having assessed the squad I’m provisionally going with a 5-2-3. I think using Bellingham as an advanced playmaker looks better than going with a deep-lying playmaker in a deeper position. Along with pushing the wingbacks higher, I’m hoping the 3-at-the-back offers enough protection in defence. Both my left wingbacks, Cancelo and Estupinan have expressed concerns that they’re not suited for the role, but as no one else is complaining, I’ll stick to my hunch for now.

The board arranged five pre-season friendlies against tier 9 and 10 Cornish teams. I did ask for a couple more so that I could get to know the squad and tweak tactics more, but I quickly realised how much respect I get around here at the moment, not least from De Zerbi, who hates my team selections.

The undermining feels constant. The Director of Football has shelled out wages on Under-21 and Under-18 team managers, despite me keeping the whole squad of 23 in the first team. My captain Van Dijk is proving a bad example in training sessions, but I dare not say anything as I’m a mere observer. I need to get some results and quickly.

[phnompenhandy]

Which is not going to happen. Helston Athletic came down for my debut, and thrashed us 0-3 with us only having one (very late) shot on target. We were woeful, and motivating kids lacking confidence is not a skill I have in my locker.

I changed all 11 starters for the trip to Penryn Athletic three days later. The result: 6-0 to us. It was the consummate performance from every single one of the starting XI Each player was vastly superior to his positional counterpart on Saturday. The only problem with that was this was De Zerbi’s pick – and his smug look did not let me or anyone else forget it.

Alisson kept his place and Haaland got his debut, but the other outfield nine for the next match was the shower that watched their ‘understudies’ thrash Penryn. They understood what was expected. With ten shots on target this time, and Van Dijk properly organising the rear-guard, they did themselves and me justice in a 3-1 victory over Wendron United.

Pride restored, we hosted Falmouth Town the following weekend. Like Helston, they’re in the tier above us, and they gave us a heck of a game. The final result was 5-4 to us; despite them having by far the better xG, we played really well and the score would not have been close if Nick Pope hadn’t chucked two into the net. I don’t remember ever seeing such a hapless goalkeeping display, poor lad.

Our last friendly was down at Sticker.  I put out the XI that had shown the best form over the previous games and they laboured to a 1-1 draw. No one played particularly well. At the conclusion of pre-season I can see not clear pattern – I guess these young lads will be inconsistent and we just need to keep encouraging them when they have bad days – we’ve seen what they can all do when they’re in the mood. One thing De Zerbi has begrudgingly accepted is that my front three with the pressing forward dropping deep and the midfield playmaker ghosting forward is proving deadly despite the mediocrity of the defence. That’s where our victories will come from.

Here the squad's pre-season form and De Zerbi's assessment of their ability so far

 

Edited October 26, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

The league season commenced with a trip to Tiverton to face Elmore. It wasn’t a good game but Kane scored with our only shot to fortunately draw 1-1. They’re as unfancied by the bookies as we are, but it was away and we were frankly outclassed, so I’ll happily take it.

 

Unfortunately I've had a series of issues with the beta - mostly my fault in that a skin didn't work, but that was caused by my changing the zoom setting, and files not verifying. I could continue with this given that it's looking like a decent challenge, but my frustrations led me to make what I think is an even better file with a more exciting campaign.

I can only pray the beta gremlins don't destroy that one too. Watch this space as I unleash Andy McNessie.