ANDY McNESSIE – the worst manager with the worst team in history

[phnompenhandy]

This is a career thread with a difference – it’s about creating a fantasy scenario and immersing in it – the narrative’s the thing rather than the usual focus on attributes and results. It’s not for everyone. But if you fancy indulging me, the story goes like this:

This is the story of LOCH NESS. Here's WIKIPEDIA:

History

Loch Ness were formed in 1999 by current manager Shane Carling, and for 20 years played as members of the welfare/amateur recreational leagues of Inverness & District. The club formed a senior team in 2020, and were accepted as members of the North Caledonian Football Association, joining a temporary second tier of the association, known as the Ness Cup League. From 2021–22, they will play in the re-combined North Caledonian League.

During the summer of 2020, the club received widespread acknowledgement via social media after releasing prototypes for their new kits, which featured the Loch Ness Monster in the pattern. The designs were subsequently used and made by Lancashire company Zero Negativity Clothing, receiving orders worldwide upon release.

This is the true part - the kits are truly breathtaking and appear in my club info screen below. They came (tier 6) runners-up in their first season and won the title the next, but unfortunately were ineligible to play off for promotion to the Highland League (tier 5). They were originally based in Inverness but found themselves groundless and temporarily moved up the road to Fortrose (where in real life they play today).

Right, here's where the ALTERNATIVE history begins. Due to legal and financial shenanigans that can't be disclosed here, the club was evicted from the North Caledonian League and had to reform in the lowest tier of the pyramid, the tenth tier. At the same time, a consortium of Faroese benefactors bought the club and relocated it to land they had purchased on the actual banks of Loch Ness in the village of Drumnadrochit.

The location has proved to be quite fortuitous - whereas all the players and staff moved on owing to being based in Inverness, the Faroese owners have replaced all the staff with their own Faroese people who also live in the village. But there's more - much much more.

A tightly-knit international squad of 33 very promising young talents aged from 14 to 16 have joined the club with the ambition of sticking together to take the club up the pyramid from the tenth tier to …. well, let’s see how far we go. You might think the names and faces are familiar, but you’re in for a surprise.

Drumnadrochit and last year's shirt 

 [4th wall breaker: I’ve taken a group of 22 of my favourite current footballers and run through the pre-game editor. They’ve all come out with CA 1 and all their CA-dependent attributes randomised whilst keeping their positions, traits and PA as was. Seeing them attempt their preferred moves without the ability to do so should be a hoot, and it should be a constant challenge trying to fit them into roles they are not suited for in this world. They have been supplemented by 11 'LEGENDS OF THE BEAUTIFUL GAME', a wonderful FM23 database of heroes from the likes of Pele and Cruyff, together with old photos. They are a year older at 16 and have a starting CA of 5.]

* For those of you wondering, sorry about the failed first attempt at an FM24 career - the beta bugs got me, but I think (hope) all is well as I start anew. Same principles, different country. I've saved time by plagiarising from my previous thread and amended details where necessary. Thank you.

Edited October 27, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

The Faroese owners have appointed their own staff – I’ll meet them later. I myself am woefully unqualified and the board have defined my role very strictly. I have no badges and no qualifications. Initially, my assistant will take training, and the Director of Football all transfer activity. All I have responsibility for is picking the team and tactics.

When I get my first badge, I’m assured I can take general team training (i.e. use the General schedules and Match Prep only). After the second badge, I’ll be let loose on team training however I like, assuming our coaching staff have the appropriate skills. With the third badge, I’m in charge of the youth/reserves general team training (i.e. the academy kids our Head of Youth Development brings through – they’ll all be local kids). With the fourth badge, I can set individual training. Once I've been at a club at least a full year AND have 3+ badges AND a promotion, I get a say in transfer business (we'll still be at semi-professional level and not have money for bringing players in or paying them since all finances will be invested into training and youth infrastructure).

This screenshot is identical to my attributes in this save:

Edited October 27, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

The board is pleasantly unambitious as far as my job goes even if they have big dreams for the club. Just as well when you see what the bookies think. What are the odds?!

 

About our league opponents. They are a mixture of east coast sides and remnants of the West Highland Amateur Football Association (formerly Skye & Lochalsh Amateur Football Association). That places us handily between the two sides, both of which have to travel the entire length of Loch Ness for away games - probably the most beautiful journey to a match in the world - providing the weather is good.

Five of the clubs are on Skye in the west, and six more are north of Inverness on the  right, with us between the two in Drumnadrochit.

The loch itself needs no introduction

Edited October 26, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

Here's the club page [reposted after being filled out in preseason]

I can't figure out how to get my Drumnadrochit pic into that space, and the ground on the right isn't actually "Nessie Park" as I made that up. Anyone happen to recognise the place?

And the squad page

I couldn't fit the forwards on the page, but you get the idea - surely the worst starting squad you've ever seen, fronted by yours truly, the worst manager you've ever seen! It's gonna be wild!

Edited October 27, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

I'm slowly getting to grips with the squad. Yikes, talk about atts in all the wrong places:

 

And here's the Faroese staff - me surrounded by magnificent scenery

Head of Youth Development joins in a few days.

Edited October 26, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

A version of our current home shirt - a thing of breath-taking beauty

 

[phnompenhandy]

Pre-season

Marta, our Director of Football kindly arranged for the first 2 matches to be against hapless opposition. Lairg Rovers’ first team wasn’t available, so eleven guys were called down from neighbouring farms without any preparation, and RBL Aviemore technically disbanded the previous month and have applied to join a tier 12 or 13 league. The 6-0 and 5-1 victories were just the confidence boosts our young lads needed – Marta, I’m impressed.

The next two games would be against higher-level opposition, albeit the rank favourites to finish bottom of their leagues, followed by two more sides that have disbanded and aren’t currently playing.

Kyleakin on Skye are a very poor side, having lost most of their first team over the summer, and we beat them 3-0. My tactics, having been constantly experimenting with roles and duties amidst many complaints from the players, are taking shape. I’m basically packing the defence to prevent opponents getting many shots away, and hitting them on the break down the flanks. It’s working – I’ll be getting begrudging respect before you know it!

Our opponents play under the shadow of that bridge

Having said that, our defence crumbled against a well-organised Bonar Bridge, the highest-ranked of our pre-season opponents.  They had plenty of chances as our forward failed to take many of ours in a 2-4 defeat. Our opponents must have been relieved, having been slaughtered 0-10 by us when we met in the league last season. How we could do with some of the old club’s DNA.

And Bonar is another village best known for its bridge

 

If you have the patience, here's video footage of Loch Ness stuffing Bonar Bridge 10-0 last season. Bear in mind  our level is considerably below Bonar now!!!

Edited October 27, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

We got our skis on against Aviemore Thistle and won 3-1 with our wingbacks and Stones as libero delighting in attacking prowess. We continued our good preseason form with a 3-1 win over Fochabers.

I feel vindicated in my choice of tactics – individually none of our defenders are very good, but the weight of numbers really helps; conversely, it’s only when I agreed to surrender all oversight of training that I realised that I habitually over-train players and leave them exhausted. Frida’s doing a great job with them, and it’s not her fault Dias did his shoulder and is out for months.

I’m still tweaking the tactics, however. ‘Ball-playing’ is beyond my defenders and they’d rather just hoof the ball. That contradicts my philosophy so we provisionally agreed on standard defensive roles. I went with an attacking forward role primarily for Ronaldo but he keeps moaning it doesn’t suit him; meantime, Harry Kane is smashing it in the U18s so I’m promoting him to the senior side to see if pressing forward suits him and Ferguson. Of course, Ronaldo made a big fuss and I had to back down. Lesson learned – he’ll still turn out for the U18s though.

The tweaks worked! Tain Thistle were totally locked out as the combined efforts of the packed defence comfortable in their roles crowded them out. Son combined very nicely with Kane in a 2-0 win, and my trial with  Duncan Edwards of attacking segundo volante worked a treat as well (once I’d laboriously explain this utterly alien role to him). Meanwhile Ronaldo was very poor in his match. Ha!

Having mentioned my backroom staff, here are Marta and Frida:

 

[phnompenhandy]

Frida has now offered her post-preseason assessment of the squads:

"senior" squad

 

"Under 18s"

Very very early days yet, of course.

And this is the current state of play tactics-wise - again, I reserve the right to constantly tweak

Edited October 27, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[cerud]

One of the more unique careers here! 

And that kit. Both of them are things of beauty!

[phnompenhandy]

1 minute ago, cerud said:

One of the more unique careers here! 

And that kit. Both of them are things of beauty!

They certainly are, and are responsible for myself and thousands worldwide following the club. That's reflected in my gameworld - note the incredible number of followers on social media, and expect a financial boost from global shirt and merchandise sales in the future.

[phnompenhandy]

AUGUST

August proved to be an interesting month. It was a cup month, with a sole league game scheduled – our debut at this level sandwiched into a midweek evening. Fortunately, we were only expected to ‘compete’ in the cups, as we’re unlikely to progress in two of the three.  Biggar United is two tiers below us and it is a trip from the forbidden lands of the deep south, otherwise known as the Lowlands. It’s an even longer journey for us to Lochs, assuming the ferry to the Western Isles isn’t out of action as it usually is these days.

But our next game was history-in-the-making. Yes, after winning the North Caledonian League we were demoted four tiers and had to restart as a phoenix club, but the authorities allowed us to retain the greatest prize – entry into the Scottish FA Cup. It was to be the highest level we’ve ever played a competitive match. Lossiemouth are a poor side in the Highland League – tier 5 – but if Bonar Bridge, the weakest side in tier 6, were too strong for us, we ought to stand no chance in this match – but still, we’d have memories to tide us over until the day in the distant future that we could enter again.

Remarkably, we won that match. My competitive debut, along with all the playing and backroom staff, was quite the upset. And it was all about the tactics. In front of a record attendance of 583, our attack was frankly anonymous as we parked the bus and reduced them to one shot on target. But John Stones as libero got up the park and hit a shot from outside the box, and Bellingham in the newfangled segundo volante role converted a corner from Son as worked by Frida on the training ground.  2-0, and we can start to dream of drawing Rangers or Celtic in a few rounds!

It's rather noisy being adjacent to RAF Lossiemouth!

I changed ten of the starting XI for the Biggar match, yet the way the game played out was identical. The defence did all the hard lifting (as the three forwards put out deckchairs), this time being responsible for the goals and assists other than Bellers chipping in with his second in two games. 3-1 to us.

The league game was dispatched with a minimum of fuss. Again, Blackrock Rovers never got a sniff of goal, but this time our front three – Messi, Cruyff and Kane this time – were livelier and chipped in with goal contributions along with this match’s segundo volante, De Bruyne. We won 3-0.

Despite suffering seasickness on the rough voyage to Lewis, we came away with a routine 4-1 victory against Lochs. These kids are showing that whilst they are physically frail and not prepared to work too hard on the pitch, they have talent and can outsmart older opponents.

 

Excuse me, can you tell me the way to the football field?

Due to our cup wins, the schedulers crammed in another two matches in August, hence my penchant for rotating the squad heavily. Another team of southern softies, Newtongrange Star came up to stop our progress in the Scottish Cup. I was determined to win this match as we’d be in the first round proper and could draw a league side. I put out a team with strong mentals, and they came through with braces from Saka and Kane, helped by a pair of assists from Estupinan. A convincing 5-1 victory also brought another round of generous prize money, a second helping of nearly £10K. Unfortunately, the draw takes us to Dunbar, who play in the sixth tier.

August was completed with a final-day visit by Kyle (of Lochalsh – the other end of ‘that bridge’) in the league. It was an easy 4-0 win where we never allowed them a shot on target, they being reduced to taking pops from the half-way line. The front three of Messi, Salah and Ronaldo all scored, but then we were straight into another game against North West Skye (who play in the north east as they can’t find any flat ground up their end). Fatigue was evident, but thanks to Frida’s careful training regime the boys got through the game, and we won 3-1 with goals from Saka and Kane.

"North West" Skye are actually Dunvegan rebranded, but here they are, playing at home at Uig in the north east!

Edited October 27, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

Here's Frida's assessment of the squad now. You can see she clearly favours the older 'legends' over the young Turks. For me the picture's more mixed - a good few of the kids have turned in excellent performances as you can see from the match ratings. Too early to draw firm conclusions, though. i mean, she doesn't think Leo will make it, and Jude and Harry have peaked at 15!

 

Edited October 27, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

SEPTEMBER

After the match on Skye, we had one more scheduled league match before we were into another run of three cup ties. We beat Dornoch 3-0 with three penalties scored by three different players – Saka, Ferguson and Salah. Weird – Sake took the first then gave up the other two. It wasn’t my suggestion (he calls it his ‘hidden trait’), but I’ll leave it up to him in future, I guess!

The Big Game was up next – the Scottish FA Cup tie at Dunbar United. The two preliminary round matches had been at home; this time we had to venture into the southlands and face a side with a very good squad of experienced players. We’ve done it before – could we? The quality is probably on a par with Lossiemouth, but how much are we affected by playing at home? We were about to find out.

And find out we did. I’m so proud of the lads – they gave their all in a cagey game that could have gone either way. A late goal by Saka from a Mitoma pass was the difference. Yes, we won 1-0! The reward (other than £20K) is a home tie against Tranent, currently third in the Lowland League. They’re far stronger than any team we’ve met until now, but we’re at home and our heads are filled with dreams.

Nice place Dunbar - I'll come again!

We picked up a couple of injuries in that match – Trent will be out for a while and Harry got a knock, so it prompted me to send out the more fringe squad members against Dalziel High School Former Pupils, a 13^th tier side, for the first round of the Scottish Amateur Cup tie. I guess I must have been too complacent and communicated it the lads. It was a dour game and we never really got going. Our strikers fluffed their numerous chances and Dalziel scored with their only shot. A 0-1 defeat in a competition I was starting to think was winnable – and to a 13^th tier side too!

Old team photo - before they were former pupils

We had a chance to put things right in midweek as Westdyke from Aberdeen came down to spar with us in the Highland Amateur Cup. Attitudes would be right this time as we duelled with a higher-tiered yet still amateur side. In fact, it was a really tough game. We came from behind with two late goals from experimental segundo volante Xabi Alonso from a pair of assists by late substitute Duncan Edwards to pinch the tie 4-3. Relief!

Edited October 28, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

Our last three games had been worryingly close-fought encounters, and October would bring a packed schedule with five league games and three increasingly tricky cup ties, all in midweek. Our squad would be stretched to the limit. First up would be an evening trip to Dingwall Academy to face Maryburgh, a struggling side in the division above us in the first round of the local Jock Mackay Cup. At least we had the first Saturday off to give us a chance to regroup and let me get across fuller explanations of a few tactical tweaks.

Dias got his first minutes after he dislocated his shoulder in preseason, but Kane was out yet again with another niggling knock. Despite the rest, our defence tired in the second half, and we let a 2-0 lead turn into a 2-2 draw. We scraped through 13-12 on penalties. My confidence in the team is ebbing, but I must not show it to these very young lads.

The stress was lifted with an excellent team performance and easy 5-1 win at Invergordon Social Club in the league, despite an early winter chill setting in, but it turned out to be a false dawn as an awful performance in front of our own fans let Portree Juniors come away with a 1-2 victory. Generally, the lads are too young to expect the consistency in performances I’d like, but more specifically the main weakness is that we can’t press how I’d like, and I’m putting that down partly to Frida’s training regime. When I get my first badge, I’m insisting on more physical training every session, whatever the risks in terms of conditioning.

Invergordon

With a fully fresh XI, we were straight up the road to Broadford on Skye to face Sleat & Strath. Broadford isn’t on the Sleat peninsula, but like NW Skye, the island side can’t find a suitable flat surface nearer their home. As with our last defeat, we bounced back with a more determined attitude and took the points with a 4-2 victory. It helped that Trent and Harry were fit for this game, although it was a brace from Bellingham that won it.  However, our defence is now habitually giving up far more chances than it used to. Starting Pope in goal was a mistake, but the rest were more uncertain than they should be.

Broadford

We now head into three crucial games in the next week. We play Portree United at home twice (league and cup). They are a key threat owing to having brought in half a dozen classy players, some with league experience and one an ex-Rangers youth player. Between those two Wednesday kick-offs we face Tranent in the FA Cup. We should be mullered, and our loss of form leaves me absent of confidence; I just hope the boys I put out rise to the occasion.

Edited October 28, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

We’d noticed Portree United are on a really hot streak, so I wasn’t disappointed with a 2-2 home draw. I am a bit miffed that Kane is injured again – for the third time in a month. I really needed him for the Big Game. Naturally, I picked the strongest side I could, with more mature heads like Gordon Banks, Bobby Moore and Franz Beckenbauer at the back, but in front of a new record crowd of 608 class told and we went down 1-3 to Tranent. We were never really in the game as the boys were overwhelmed by the occasion. I wonder how much older and more experienced they’ll be before they get another chance to play at such as level with Loch Ness. For now, I have to pick us all up for another home cup tie in three days - a rematch with Portree United with a draw not an option in the Highland Amateur Cup.

 

Not for us (and the end of all that lovely prize money for a few years)

 

I put out mostly the same starting XI as I felt they could redeem themselves in a less-pressured competition. It was the right call – in a predictably dour game with very few chances at either end, we ground out a 2-0 win with late goals from Cruyff and Ronaldo. There’s no money in the amateur pot, but we’ll aim to win it for the sake of pride.

The month was rounded off with a visit from our erstwhile hosts Fortrose in the league. Resting all the players who’d exerted themselves in the cup ties, the new-look defence proved water-tight as De Bruyne scored both in a routine 2-0 victory.

Edited October 28, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

NOVEMBER

Aware of the prize money swishing about in our bank, and in the knowledge that there would be no more for at least five years, I chanced my arm in asking the board for money to pay a couple of local PE teachers overtime to coach some of the schoolkids who regularly turn up at our home games. I was given short shrift. Talking of home matches, the next will be our fifth in a row, before the spend the rest of November on the road.

That home tie in the Jock Mackay Cup is against the side bottom of the North Caledonian League (6^th tier) – Alness United. If we could beat Lossiemouth back in August, we could win this, I told the boys.

And win we did, with aplomb. 5-1, with Salah leading the way with a brace. Roberto Carlos won Player of the Match with a pair of assists. My left wingbacks contribute well whereas my inverted right wingbacks don’t. I’ll change this role whilst persisting with my three centre back roles, which the defenders don’t feel fully comfortable with. I know they rather hoof the ball away and are too frail to play the cultured football I want well, but I’m building for the future here – they’ll grow into their roles in time. Our ‘reward’ for the victory is a tie in the next round way to the leaders of the North Caledonian League – so that’s four away games on the bounce in three weeks.

We went up the road to Dingwall and came away with a stress-free 3-1 win against Dingwall Victoria. Next, we were all the way up the north-east coast to Helmsdale to face high-flying Bunillidh Thistle in the Jock. It was a long-shot, but we’d give it a good go. In a very scrappy game that saw gentleman Duncan Edwards harshly shown a red card, we took them to a 0-0 at the full-time whistle, but this time the penalty shoot-out went against us, and we’re out of a third cup. At least our schedule relaxes, with only Saturday games scheduled and out next cup tie not until January.

I took the opportunity of a free Wednesday to pick up my National C coaching badge – now I can get stuck into our general training schedules and get some physicals in there – two per week and the other free slot for defending drills. Kevin De Bruyne immediately took to the new sessions, but when I praised him, he fobbed me off.

On the Saturday we were at Winterfell. We were due to play at Dornoch ‘City’, and the castle was used in the TV series, so it’s ‘Winterfell’ to me. With an uncertain back-up defence (Timber and Dias have played little due to injuries), the rarely-appearing Evan Ferguson took the game by the scruff with a brace for us to come away with a 4-2 triumph.

 

One of these locations is used in Game of Thrones (with a lot of CGI):

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last game of the month was away to Avoch Rovers. Curious football team, this. Based in a tiny, quaint fishing village, the team has never achieved anything of note in any league as far as I can see, yet they’ve somehow won the Highland Amateur Cup six times since 2015. They won’t be trying to stop us this year though – Dornoch have just knocked them out. A 3-2 win was a bit tighter than I’d have liked. With just the one match per week, a lot of players are rapidly losing match fitness, so I’ll start scheduling regular U18 friendlies to get them in shape for the rest of the season.

Edited October 28, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

DECEMBER

A quiet month, with schedulers aware of weather-related transport problems in the Highlands, so they leave plenty of spare dates for dealing with postponements. We had two home matches against the bottom two teams, beating both NW Skye and Blackrock Rovers 3-0. Against this level of opposition, the defence let nothing through. I’d like to see them shut out better attacks in time. The real contest came on New Years’ Eve when we were away to Portree United. There’s no doubt in my mind they’ll get promoted with us; they have real star quality. The game could have gone either way, but we edged it 3-2 with a late winner by Ronaldo.

Beautiful town on Skye

I’d like to have a word with Katie Sorensen, our Head of Youth (and not just because she’s hot and the only Faroese that speaks fluent English), but I don’t have the authority. Marta, the Director of Football, brought me Katie’s file on incoming academy prospects – none of them fit the profiles of positions my tactic uses. I guess it doesn’t really matter, unless key squad members desert us in the summer. I’d also like to ask Marta why she’s wasting money on scouts when we aren’t bringing in any players from outside the (barely-existent) academy, but I’ll keep my thoughts to myself on that too.

Katie, come on! (is what I want to say)

The season kind of peters out from here on in. There are seven league games left and three cup ties if we make the final. I’ll need to get Marta to arrange nine or ten more friendlies to keep everyone fit. Therefore, I’ll just report once every two months until the end of the season.

Edited October 28, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

JANUARY

 

We have a problem. The new year brings the transfer window. We’re getting offers. It didn’t initially concern me as the board had originally declared that any transfer proposals would be immediately rejected. The chairwoman Svanhilda did so with the first request, for Franco Baresi – which he’s a bit miffed about and of course blames the person he sees most regularly – me. The second bid was for Ronaldo by Hearts and that’s been accepted - £3,500. I summoned up the nerve to bang on Ms. Lervig’s door, but got a curt response (it seems the only English she knows are curse words). Marta was later to politely explain to me that despite £50,000 Scottish FA Cup prize money earned this season, we are still to make a considerable loss by the end of the season, and there will be no FA Cup money for years to come. For me, three and a half grand plus his £21 per month wages is a drop in the ocean (okay there are add-ons that will eventually bring the fee up to £16K, and there’s a lucrative friendly thrown in), but Marta explained that Svanhilda will allow no more than three players to leave – not more than one in any given position, and I’ll still have a large squad to manage. I’m not happy – if they break their promise and let more than three go, I don’t know what I’ll do.

 

Cruella Svanhilda

I’ve used the downtime to do a closer assessment of the squad. We don’t have any analysts or tech or anything, but I got the coaching staff together to discuss the players one by one. The consensus is that the 16-year-olds are progressing better than the 15-year-olds with the notable exception of Salah and to a lesser extent Bellingham. The suggestion is that next season the younger ones should really take off. Our best players are Baresi (who we’re going to struggle to keep in this window) and the defensive midfielders. The ones who have progressed the least are our young right wingbacks, James and Alexander-Arnold and the three youngest defenders who have all have suffered injuries, Timber, Van Dijk and Dias.

 

current staff assessment of the squad (apart from the few I couldn't fit onto the page)

Edited October 28, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

A further deep dive revealed that our three goalkeepers are particularly weak on reflexes and agility. Frida agrees this is a problem but we have no coaches able to train their specific skills so we’ll have to put that aside for now. Speed tests reveal that two of the goalkeepers are amongst our quickest players, which is a bit of a waste of ability, but that also Saliba and Timber are quite nippy, which has led to me a further tactical tweak in that I’ll have a defender on cover and put the defensive line up a little. The league is pretty much sewn up so we can use these last seven matches to experiment a bit. I’d like the whole squad put on a regime of quickness training, but Frida, Sunneva Magnussen, our Fitness Coach and Liv Michelsen our Head Physio all insist given their youth and physical frailty, there could be injuries that would impede he players’ overall development, so that’s another request of mine that goes on the backburner until I can get myself sufficiently qualified.

 

Thank you for your contributions, team. Dammit, is no one on my side???

 

Sunneva                                         and Liv, born to frustrate me

Edited October 29, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[Vakama2619]

Loved your FM23 threads, defo will be following along

[phnompenhandy]

26 minutes ago, Vakama2619 said:

Loved your FM23 threads, defo will be following along

Oh good, cheers. I think I had a Loch Ness saga last year, but I erased it and can't remember how it went. Hopefully there won't be any repetition, although you might see some scenic photos that have appeared before.

[Vakama2619]

21 minutes ago, phnompenhandy said:

Oh good, cheers. I think I had a Loch Ness saga last year, but I erased it and can't remember how it went. Hopefully there won't be any repetition, although you might see some scenic photos that have appeared before.

You did Loch Ness and a few other interesting save concepts in FM23

[phnompenhandy]

11 minutes ago, Vakama2619 said:

You did Loch Ness and a few other interesting save concepts in FM23

This is very much my distinctive style. Hopefully the original aspect in this save is seeing how the 'names' turn out due to being nurtured in such a humble environment.

[phnompenhandy]

JANUARY

 

With quite substantial tweaks, particularly concerning defensive duties, we went into our first match of the new year at home to Invergordon SC and it was as if nothing had changed. We strolled to a 4-1 win with a brace from Salah and two assists from Estupinan, with the defence allowing one shot on target all game – from which we conceded. Timber was culpable for that; other than him, the other ten starters would keep their places for the following cup tie. That would be the quarter-final of the Highland Amateur Cup at Melvich, currently second in the First Division two tiers above us. Our coach driver passed right through the tiny village on the north coast before realising the scattered crofting community was our destination.

The board are fielding bids for Franco Baresi every day. Initially no money has been offered so the board just turned down the bids flat. He’s our captain and best player and I can’t afford to lose him, however grumpy he may be at this time. I had a feeling someone will bang in a monied offer come the deadline and the board would accept, and so it was Blackpool offered £9,000 and he’ll be off

Baresi was clearly distracted in the match, and his issues had compromised my preparations. Consequently, we experienced a very rare issue where we finished behind on xG in a 1-1 draw with these determined crofters, sheep farmers and fishermen. This time we had the luck in the penalty shoot-out and progress, presumably without our captain.

I appointed Franz Beckenbauer as our new captain and Bobby Moore his vice. They promptly both received bids from Hull City, but unlike Franco, demonstrating their professionalism and loyalty and stayed put, leaving only Johan Cruyff as an unhappy bunny as the window closed. Well, him and me. Cruella called me in to a meeting with Marta acting as interpreter to explain that the Faroese consortium has a worldwide scouting network, and they will find us unknown future wonderkids to replace Ronaldo and Baresi in the summer. Can I trust her? Do I have a choice?

 

I’ve decided that the libero role is too ambitious for non-league; serious legs and stamina are needed, and it would take five years to mould any central defender into a half-decent one, so I’ll pare it back to a ball-playing defender – between two central defenders.

current tactics

On the pitch, our only league game in February, at Kyle, saw us guarantee promotion with a 4-1 victory.

Kyle of Lochalsh: 'this' side of the bridge

Edited October 29, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

In our semi-final where we hosted Carlton from Forres we were in our element, chalking up our highest score in not only the season but club history – an 8-1 slaughter. As we swished the beers in the clubhouse after the game news came through that the Highland Amateur suits had just scheduled the final – three days from now. It was the day before the Big Match that we found out where we were playing – Ross County’s Global Energy stadium in Dingwall against top tier amateur division side Kirkwall Hotspurs down from Orkney.

I was watching the Faroese board's faces as they took in the venue. One day ..... if they show enough ambition!

I took the opportunity to double-check the rules – no extra time. This was important as I was sending the same demolition squad out that played three days previously.

And lo and behold! While Hotspurs froze and never got a shot off all match, in front of a new record crowd of 709, we cruised to a magnificent 3-0 win. My first ever trophy! We are lords of the Highland Amateur scene.

Edited October 29, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

MARCH

 

You wait your whole life for one trophy, then two come along in a fortnight. The venue of the Third Division trophy presentation was some contrast to our reception of the Highland Amateur Cup the weekend before, but I didn’t care. We won it in style with a 7-1 demolition of Portree Juniors; the short-arse kid Messi has been anonymous all season but popped up with a goal and four assists here.

The pitch at Portree High School

Beautiful, isn't she. The better part of a trophy wife

The final month dragged on as we completed our final three games, giving game time the least-frequently used squad members. We suffered a bit of a hangover in the first game and needed a Kane 95^th minute winner to see off a determined Dingwall Vics 3-2. It was a goal that hurt our opponents deeply as it virtually wrote off their promotion hopes and handed the initiative to Portree United. We saw off Avoch 4-2 before finishing the season with a nostalgic trip to Fortrose, to play at the ground that was our home last year when we won the North Caledonian League. We maybe embarrassed our hosts a little bit, winning 5-1 with a trio of assists from Messi.

The board, the staff, the entire playing squad and myself might be new this season, but the fans remember - this was our home 12 sweet months ago

King George V Park, Fortrose

In the last week Marta contacted me to inform me that the board’s contacts had found replacements for Ronaldo and Baresi. She mentioned a Leeds-born kid due to be released from the Manchester City academy who likes our project, and the Italian scout who brought us Baresi has another centre back prospect. Of course, if (when) we lose players in the summer window, it’ll be January before any replacements arrive.

Talking of arrivals, the academy kids showed up. I’m keeping six into the new season and sent nine on their way as either their profiles didn’t fit what I’m looking for or over a few training sessions they revealed themselves as lacking the mentals to make it. Mind you, the ones that join the Under 18 squad will only get paid (£6 per appearance) if they make the first team and there’ll need to be a major injury crisis (or exodus of first teamers) for that to occur.

Edited October 29, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

MAY

Before Marta joined the rest of her team and flew to the Faroes for the summer, she took me through the accounts. The £64,000 we made in prize money (£54K of that from our FA Cup run) was more than all our other income together. We won’t be in the FA Cup for the foreseeable; if we somehow win all three other cup competitions rather than just the easiest one as we did this season, we’d still fall far short. I bit my tongue as my eye alighted on the biggest expense on our balance sheet – staff wages. The damn Faroese mafia is paying themselves far too much.  Marta must have caught my expression though – as well as agreeing not to renew the contracts of two lowlander scouts who've never heard of half the teams we play and care even less, retaining only our ex-Inverness Caley stalwart, she implied that the annual income from global merchandise sales (overwhelmingly our snazzy shirts) was due in the coming month, and could be up to £20K, by the end of the meeting she’s put a new contract before me – I was offered a £10 per month pay rise. I cannily countered with a £35 rise and a bunch of bonuses for winning, getting to the final or semi-final of the cups. She agreed.

I’m taking my second coaching badge up at Dingwall over the summer, but we aren’t learning new training units beyond the three I already use – physical, attacking and defending general schedules. What I mainly want to do is get a say in individual training programmes, but I’ll need two more badges before Marta lets me loose on those. It’s been okay so far – in this first season I’ve been chopping and changing roles and duties with great frequency trying to find the sweet spot for my squad. Next season should prove more settled now the squad knows and respects me and my tactical approaches.

The board expect a struggle to stay in Division Two next season. In my last meeting with the lads before the summer break, they ‘d agreed with me that we should do much better. I’d put us in the top 5 or 6 amateur sides in the Highlands and certainly the best in Division 2. Demanding bonuses for winning the cups wasn’t frivolous – I believe we can make a serious attempt in all the competitions we’re entered in next season, with only the tier 6 North Caledonian and equivalent league sides being a major threat to our success. As such, I’ll make my reports less frequent, maybe reporting in once every month or two.

When I say the board are suspiciously paying their compatriots far too much, I of course am worth every penny!

new contract

Edited October 30, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

JULY-AUGUST

The lads had clearly enjoyed their break and it took a while to get them back into shape. While half the English Premier League players made a cash-grab and decamped to Saudi Arabia, two more ideological kids arrived at Nessie Park.

Maldini looks like he could slot in to our mediocre defence, but Haaland looks a slow and clumsy lummock and will need time.

We cashed in ourselves in bringing Hearts to our place as part of the agreement for taking Ronaldo off us. A new record crowd of 1748 (mostly from Edinburgh) swelled our coffers by £5,000 as we got pummelled 0-5. The record only stood for three days as a sell-out crowd of 1939 saw us go down fighting to Blackpool. After the 2-4 defeat, we spent the rest of preseason playing decent but beatable non-league opposition to get us ready for the season ahead. That taught me that we’re inferior to semi-pro sides three tiers above us – which will be an obstacle if we’re to have a good go at the two more difficult cups this season. We also experienced an inside forward injury crisis with Messi, Mitoma, Son and Saka all out for the start of the season, leaving only Salah and Cruyff fit – and Cruyff virtually refused to play after I blocked an approach from Ajax. I might need an emergency call-up of an academy kid after all.

Nothing untoward here; beat the lesser sides, lose to the better sides. Pre-tip: always schedule a home game against patsies in your last pre-season friendly! We'd beaten poor Biggar at the same time, same place, same stage last season, and with Glenelg being Division 2 rivals, that exceptional team performance demonstrated what we can do in this league when our heads are right.  Talking of which, however seething Cruyff might be, he's a consummate professional on the pitch, in contrast to Beckenbauer. He wasn't pulling his weight in training and was setting a bad example, so I took his armband and gave it to Bobby Moore.  Franz is not happy with me, and he is showing it in game; Maldini might well be a regular first teamer this season.

Lovely drive to Glenelg - we went to see the last swivel-ferry in the world, although we didn't cross to Skye this time.

Marta has wised up and found Highland scouts, one from Lerwick and the other from Wick. What we really need is for these local heads to get together with Katie, our Head of Youth Development and find us more suited youngsters from the school academies, but I don’t know if any of them will drive down to Drumnadrochit or whether Katie will take long excursions – even though she’s damn well paid enough to.

Edited October 30, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

For those of you more traditionally inclined, here's the current profile of new addition Erling Haaland for you to scrutinise. Notice in particular how unsuited his traits are compared to his actual skills

 

[phnompenhandy]

It's Hallowe'en, 31st October 2023. The season is panning out much as I'd expected, with just the hint of a hiccup. I'd assumed we'd walk the league, so I've been focussing my guns on winning all our cup games. I failed to take seriously what the bookies and pundits were saying about our rivals:

These two favourites, Tomatin and Cromarty are no chumps and the three of us are mostly relentless, but take points off each other.

We are winning our cup ties against amateur opposition, but I can't afford to be too complacent in the main competition.

After 15 months giving everyone a fair crack, I’ve identified a dozen squad members who are lagging behind in terms of development. I’m going to consolidate a squad of 22 to cycle, and offer the rest out on loan when the window opens. Given that we’re part-time with poor facilities, I figure regular game time will be more beneficial, providing the club that takes the player is of sufficient calibre. Somewhat surprisingly, after assessing that the older, 16-year-old lads were generally the best in our squad, since preseason it's the younger ones who have proved more determined and impressing.

Here are the youths I've put in the U18 squad - some very surprising names amongst the first crop of academy kids.

I mean, they're doing well in the Under 18 games, but their performances in the first team were below par. You'll notice Ferguson is responding well to Haaland surpassing him in the pecking order, and Messi appears to be trying to change my mind. A name that's recently disappeared is Cruyff, who's had to return to the first team to cover Son who broke his ankle. If they do go out on loan I risk coming up short if long-term injuries to occur to first teamers, but on the other hand if they fester in the Under 18 squad too long they won't develop sufficiently. Tricky call; let's see who comes in for them.

Edited October 31, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER

I bagged my National A coaching licence – now I can supervise the Under 18s general training sessions. I say ‘supervise’ – I mean take them as we have no coaches for the youth squad. I’ll get onto Marta about that. I need to get back and work for my Continental c so I can start the boys on individual schedules. I still haven’t settled on the optimal roles for my defenders and central defenders yet, but I will in time for taking their training. Having said that, our training facilities are basically the pitch, a shed and some traffic cones. I did approach the board but the impression I got was not to ask again for at least five years.

Here in Scotland it's called a 'C' licence; I'm starting on my 4th badge, UEFA 'B' next week

I don’t know whether limiting ourselves to general training and having no individual training makes a significant difference, but we’ve been very fortunate with the low level of injuries since that start of last season (admittedly the inside forwards might not agree, particularly Son who has just returned after nearly three months out).

With team cohesion finally becoming ‘good’ after 15 months, and tactical familiarity fluid (apart from the roles and duties which I keep fiddling with) we kicked into another gear in November. I was worried when the board, under fan pressure, insisted on adding ‘play defensively solid football’ to this year’s vision, but we conceded only two goals that month.

I ensured complacency didn’t kill us when we met another tier 13 side in one of the cups; we negotiated the rounds against modest opposition professionally as we maintained our form in the league with matches against the rest of the top four with us and Tomatin United favourites for promotion with just the title to contest. We shared ten goals in an astonishing tussle with Tomatin, but otherwise we coped fine. We’ve been very lucky with cup draws, never having met a higher-tier side, and won’t until the end of January.

You can see our best players are all attackers; I've not found an attacking/defending balance yet. Other clubs don't rotate their players much, and so they outscore ours

With things going brilliantly on-field, are we about to be derailed off it? I write on the cusp of the new year, with Hogmanay celebrations tempered not by the First Foot through the door, but the opening of the window. What I want is for the players I need to get minutes to get the right loans; what I fear is losing key first team players to derisory transfer fees. The next report will reveal all.

Edited November 1, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

Mid-February interlude (in case it all comes crashing down)

JANUARY-FEBRUARY

In the first week plenty of loan offers flooded in, but all from tier 10 sides who would not be suitable for the players’ development. All sorts of cheeky offers came in to take the likes of Salah off our hands permanently, which unsettled some of the squad. To top it all off we suddenly experienced an injury crisis (I had Maldini playing wingback for a short time). After having a word with Salah for downing tools in training sessions, he went and bagged a hat-trick in the next match, so my faith in him as a proper professional was justified. Amidst a properly serious financial crisis, the board accepted an offer from Ross County, and he wanted to go, but remarkably my pleas to keep him were positively received. He’s still in a grump of course, as it my only fit goalkeeper, Alisson, and Cruyff, for whom received another bid from Ajax to take him for free. When they upped it to £3,500 I again persuaded the board not to let him go.

On transfer deadline day, after no moves at all over the month, we accepted three loan deals - Bobby Moore and Saka to Aberdeen and Cruyff to Brighton all as fringe players – will their training facilities prove more beneficial than regular first team action here (with only six leagues games left)? Time will tell. Then Cruella blew it by waiting until we were actually playing an evening kick-off and selling Declan Rice to Hearts for a paltry £3,500. What the heck was the point?

Once the loanees had left I had to promote back-ups to the senior squad – Rudiger and Dias demonstrated just how far behind in development playing in the Under 18s leaves players.

Finally, a hurdle fell. In the sixth round of the Amateur Cup against Musselburgh, I played Salah on the left wing to cover for loan departures, rushed Cancelo back when he wasn’t fit rather than play Maldini as wingback again and relied on the sub-par reserve defenders. We drew 2-2 and went out on penalties.  With a depleted squad, cup suspensions and injuries, I’m going to have to manage the rest of the season carefully. I’m also mindful that in the two remaining cups, we’re going to come up against higher-level opposition soon now.

and the final league game is going to be a trophy-decider (we should both clinch promotion next week)

 

[phnompenhandy]

To the End of the Season

 

This year we were prepared for scheduling shenanigans with the Highland Amateur Cup. We won the semi and played the final three days later against Melvich, mid-table in the division above us, at Ross County’s place. In front of a crowd of over 1,200 we retained the trophy with a superb display in a resounding 4-0 win. Two down, one to go and another four grand off the board. We had 7 players one yellow away from missing the Jock Mackay Cup final against Stornoway Athletic – all we had to do was get past our bitter rivals Tomatine United. Prisoners would not be taken. It was a hell of a ding-dong, ending 1-1; this time the shoot-out went our way. At the Global Energy Stadium, our second home we suffered – our defence is really struggling – and yet again in front of 1,200 spectators a 2-2 draw at full time turned into a narrow victory on penalties.  We are fortunate never to have met a semi-pro opponent on any of our cup runs this season.

With two cups and a promotion achieved, a new contract saw a bump from £900 to £1200 per month plus all those bonuses again. The youth intake was indeed useless – I only kept five on. That might limit how many I’m happy to send out on loan, but to be fair, of the three sent to premier league clubs, none have played a minute. I think they’d have been better staying. In April I completed my fourth badge, too late to affect this season but very timely for next pre-season.

The final run-in was dodgy. With three games to seal the league title, we lost the first and needed a Bellingham thunderbolt in the 93^rd minute to win the next in a nine-goal thriller. That set us up for a showdown away at Tomatin, whom we’d played twice at home and drawn both times.

It was a predictably tough game; Tomatin had the better of it, but with two great finishes by Evan Ferguson, we won 2-0 and took the title.

Better call the carpenter - we're going to need a bigger cabinet!

Edited November 1, 2023 by phnompenhandy

[phnompenhandy]

SUMMER of ‘24

 

The cup ties this season indicate that we should win Highland Amateur Division One with the squad we have, but that the tier above will be very challenging. I was concerned that in this summer and later winter window a combination of our financial woes and players wanting to move to professional outfits would result in some serious depletion (Salah still hadn’t smiled at me since January!). If we fail to progress to the North Caledonian League (tier 6), there could be a wholesale exodus, so the pressure is intense.

My concerns proved well-founded. I didn't have to wait long.

Marta contacted me over the summer to inform me she’d been in a long meeting with the Faroese board. She had good news and bad news. The bad news was that the board can no longer bring in hot prospects from top tier academies like we managed with Haaland and Maldini as agents have wised up and are asking fees that we aren’t in a financial position to pay. The good news is that they’ve spotted the benefit of the incoming Labour government’s new humane policy on asylum-seekers. The board intend to take advantage of their global scouting network to set up units in various refugee camps to identify prospects no one else has spotted. We can procure a work permit and visa for one youth and his family per asylum-seeking community. Marta accepts that we won’t be acquiring youths with the potential of our initial squad, but if the scouts do their jobs well, we should get youth prospects who can compete and develop at our level.

Now I’m UEFA qualified, I’ve been given free rein to do my own analysis of the squad and have come up with some radical observations. Firstly, a point that is not at all radical – three of our initial squad are now 18 and not eligible for the Under 18s squad – but neither are the ready for a settled run in the first team, so I’ll have to move them on. They are Gordon Banks, Cafu and Roberto Carlos. Additionally, Saliba and Dias have not developed and I’d rather give a go to a couple of willing academy kids in the Under 18s, so I decided to move them on too. In fact, there are three academy recruits from last year and this that I’m going to trial, along with re-positioning a defensive midfielder in central defence to organise the back line. I’m choosing Rodri for that role. It ought to be Beckenbauer but he never forgave me for stripping him of the captaincy and his leadership skills have evaporated. I’m giving him one last chance but swapping places with Rodri and playing as a ball-winning midfielder. Also trying out that role in a last-chance saloon is Timber. As well as Rodri, I’m taking Duncan Edwards out of that role and trying him at left wingback. Finally, whereas Saka and Moore enjoyed their time at Aberdeen despite not playing a single first-team minute, Cruyff was pretty miserable at Brighton and I think is even more homesick and determined to return to Ajax. Naturally, these are all to be preseason experiments – there should be plenty of time to revert to familiar roles for players who don’t adapt.

Despite the ongoing and increasing losses, the board allowed me to recruit two more coaches and I found a pair of unemployed Scots who are impressed with the project, if not the facilities. I have a large enough team to introduce my individual training programmes this year. We also have a team of five Highland-based scouts. I never meet them, although Marta has regular Zoom calls with them. They’re being linked into the Faroese global scouting network to liaise with the scouts being deployed to the refugee camps I mentioned. It’s all a bit too complicated to me, but that doesn’t matter, as I just focus on the team and accept who the board sells and brings in.

Amongst all the tyre-kicking during the transfer window, we accepted £60,000 and a 50% sell-on clause for Banks. The board also decided to accept bids for Rodri for anything in excess of a paltry £10,000. He departed to Aberdeen for 12 grand whilst I was having a furious argument with Cruella who was on the verge of giving Salah away. He’s by far our best player and I knew that as the fans’ recently nominated player of the year, there’d be riots on the street of Drumnadrochit if the sale went ahead. She saw sense and relented – this time. After that, when £40,000 bids plus 50% sell-on clauses came in for Cruyff, I just had to nod. I’m happy that Ajax met our requirements; hopefully in the future we’ll land a heck of a windfall. And then, on the cusp of the season commencing, Cruella gave Salah away for a pathetic £13K to Livingstone. It was so unnecessary too – the £100,000 we got for Banks and Cruyff would keep us solvent for the season. I was so stressed out by the ongoing player revolt, I just shrugged my shoulders. I should be enjoying my success here; I’m not.

That player revolt – my lack of man-management skills precludes me from clearly explaining that we don’t need to sell anyone, and I don’t want to sell most of the squad, but I’m fine with it if a decent offer comes in. I’m turning down bids of tuppence ha’penny and a packet of pork scratchings for players and they're getting furious. I know from the last two years most of them will calm down in two or three months, but I’ve got 15-year-old urchins leading deputations to tell me how to do my job – the kids whom I thought would step up when senior players did leave. I don’t know if they will get their heads down and play football – I’m already having to castigate them weekly over training poorly.

I’m not in a happy place. Let’s play some football.

Edited November 2, 2023 by phnompenhandy