CSI: Milton Keynes

[Richey]

I'm taking a radical new approach with this one. It's a murder mystery taking place in a Milton Keynes hotel, featuring some well known players and some Belgians. Feel free to guess along and add your opinions.

This will be a short story. A page or so should do it. I'm running FM 2005 and it's 2006/7 and I'm managing MK Dons. It's fairly obvious.

This is fairly experimental so if it goes tits up i'll blame it on a troubled upbringing or something.

[Richey]

I'm taking a radical new approach with this one. It's a murder mystery taking place in a Milton Keynes hotel, featuring some well known players and some Belgians. Feel free to guess along and add your opinions.

This will be a short story. A page or so should do it. I'm running FM 2005 and it's 2006/7 and I'm managing MK Dons. It's fairly obvious.

This is fairly experimental so if it goes tits up i'll blame it on a troubled upbringing or something.

[Richey]

July 16th 2006

In 2005 MK Dons received a cash injection of £2.9m as well as a new manager, Richard Rowe. Charged with saving them from relegation to League Two, he valiantly led them down, at one point going 16 games without a win.

In to League Two, Rowe made two surprising signings. Gabriel Batistuta, 9907 years old joined from Qatar, and Freddy Guarin joined from Envigado in Colombia along with Enzo Scorza from Danubio. He signed some Belgians and a Lithuanian and got a sackful of overpriced English players on loan.

They stormed League Two to finish 3rd. Some Belgians finished in the top scorers charts, along with Batigol, despite spending a lot of time nursing various finger and wrist injuries.

3 Weeks before the start of the new season, MK Dons were to play a friendly match with Beveren, and were holed up in a luxurious 5 star country mansion on the outskirts of… erm… Milton Keynes.

Then it happened.

[Richey]

8.30-9.12pm

The banquet started innocuously enough with laughs and japery aplenty. Scorza finished his soup course in record time but disturbingly left his croutons untouched.

Batistuta enjoyed his fish course but seemed to have eaten the skeleton, including some very sharp bones.

Edgaras Chesnauskis didn’t eat meat and was apoplectic with rage when served with Venison Loin in a plum and Gruyere cheese crust.

“You’re gay†chirruped the anti-vegetarian Zak Whitbread, on loan from Liverpool.

The manager stepped in and told them to calm down.

Pindado, the Spanish goalkeeper, purchased from Antwerp, in a fit of rage over the texture of his Chocolate mousse punched three young Belgian players on the nose.

The manager sent Pindado from the room. Pindado’s eyes lit up as he told the waiters that they would all die a horrible death, before leaving the banqueting hall.

Things calmed down until after the dessert wine, the squad left to head for the lounge for Brandy and Cigars.

Freddy Guarin left his brandy on a sideboard and browsed through the antique books.

When he turned back, he had a tumbler of Ribena instead. Looking around the room, everyone was behaving normally, apart from Carl Rook, who was on the floor, drunk as a skunk.

Carl Rook didn’t drink.

This was strange.

Three young Belgian players tripped over an outstretched foot. Batistuta noticed them falling and blamed Chesnauskis. Chesnauskis blamed Guarin, who blamed Carl Rook. Carl Rook didn’t blame anybody as he was unconscious. There was an awkward silence. Guarin then blamed Batistuta, who blamed Chesnauskis again. This time Pindado took aim at Whitbread, who clouted Chesnauskis over the head.

The lights went out.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

The lights came on.

Three young Belgians were dead in the centre of the room. Everyone stopped, aghast.

Next to the three young Belgians was a bottle, labelled in French, reading Poisson, with a skull and crossbones motif.

Freddy Guarin’s tumbler of Ribena was smashed.

Carl Rook was unconscious.

Edgaras Chesnauskis was still a vegetarian.

The manager called the police. Everyone settled into their seats. It was going to be a long night. Would the mystery be solved before the big match?

[Richey]

9.25pm

At 9.25 the Inspector arrived. He checked behind the curtains, and found the decaying carcass of a mouse. He put it in the bin.

At 9.34pm the Police Inspector arrived. He asked the other Inspector to choose a more appropriate time to inspect the hotel for rodents.

The squad were interviewed one by one, by the Police Inspector and his crack team of Police Officers. Gradually they were all dismissed. There were 6 suspects.

Gabriel Batistuta

Freddy Guarin

Pindado

Carl Rook

Edgaras Chesnauskis

Zak Whitbread

The other players were told to go to their rooms, and lock their doors. There’d be no sex with D-List celebrities tonight for these footballers. Elton John was seen slinking away from the hotel looking disappointed shortly afterwards.

The players were subject to rigorous police cross examination.

This caused immense pain, so they just did a cross examination.

The reports on each player follow.

[Richey]

Suspect Report #1

Name: Gabriel Batistuta

Age: 37

Gabriel maintains he did nothing wrong during the night in question. He enjoyed the fish course, but left no trace of the bones on his plate.

Three fish bones were found in a smashed tumbler of Ribena on the floor. He denies all knowledge.

He is acknowledged to have a fractious relationship with the three Belgians, having come under fire for singing anti-Belgian songs the night before.

There was a confrontation this morning at breakfast, but again, Mr Batistuta dismisses this as a viable incident.

We need to check up on the fish bones.

Signed, Inspector McGadget

[Richey]

Suspect Report #2

Name: Freddy Guarin

Age: Teenager

Freddy is a teenager. This makes him 25% more likely to commit murder.

He claims to get on well with all of the squad apart from Enzo Scorza, who once vowed to ‘sort him good and proper’.

Enzo Scorza thus added to list of suspects, to be interviewed.

Freddy thought it was strange how Scorza left his croutons. This makes him a potential murderer in his esteemed opinion.

His brandy was missing during Brandy and Cigars time. He doesn’t know who took it. He also doesn’t know that we found fish bones in the Ribena tumbler.

He doesn’t suspect Carl Rook as he was unconscious. Carl Rook is teetotal. This needs to be looked into.

Freddy says he saw Zak Whitbread doing a wee in a plant pot. This will probably be disregarded.

Signed, Inspector McGadget

[hjfh]

Guarin play for the Dons! Ha.

Sounds a good story. Nice have something different.

[chesterfan2]

A fabulous notion. Go to it and no mistake.

Pretty good idea for a story here, keep it up.

[haze.13]

Nice concept going down here Richey

"Elton John seen slinking away looking disappointed..."

[WLKRAS]

Great stuff Richey

[Richey]

Thanks guys! I think I've got it all worked out who the murderer is, and the motive and the method. Keep your eyes peeled.

[Richey]

Suspect Report #3

Name: Pindado

Age: 30

Pindado was signed from Antwerp, a club he left in mysterious circumstances after snubbing a new contract consisting of payment in Belgian chocolate.

May thus harbour a grudge.

A large chicken suit was found in his bedroom. He says it belongs to Guarin.

Three small sardines partially nibbled were found in the pocket of his jeans. These sardines have puncture marks by the tails.

We are unable to process these in a laboratory as I accidentally hoovered them up.

Pindado has no recognised first name. This makes him 8% more likely to be a mysterious, yet enigmatic master criminal.

Signed, Inspector McGadget

[Richey]

Suspect Report #4

Name: Carl Rook

Age: About 20. It doesn’t matter

Carl is the most inexperienced member of the squad, having been signed from non-league a few weeks earlier.

Carl doesn’t drink, yet was quite clearly off his face, unconscious on the floor.

Gabriel Batistuta doesn’t like Carl, as he fears he will lose his first team spot.

The last thing Carl remembers is that his brandy was yellow in colour.

This is debatable.

Carl has a phobia of mice and chickens.

He also confesses to have visited Belgium once, and thought it was ok. Ok, not good, or even great.

This appears to be perhaps a watertight motive. Or does it? But does it really? IT does, doesn’t it?

Signed, Inspector McGadget

[Richey]

Suspect Report #5

Name: Edgaras Chesnauskis

Age: About 22 or so. Has a funny Eastern Bloc moustache.

Is a militant vegetarian. His father is the leader of the Communist Vegetable Party of Lithuania, a party that has made a solid gain in the last year of 1 seat in parliament. The problem being that it has gained 1 seat in parliament in Indonesia.

Doesn’t like Zak Whitbread.

He enjoys lab testing on mice, and holds a degree in Biology.

He was holding a cheese knife when the police arrived.

Has played for Lithuania 3 times. In his last game, he was sent off against Belgium.

Is quite small.

Edgaras admits his favourite drink is Ribena but is adamant he didn’t put any fish bones in the tumbler.

He confessed to stealing Guarin’s brandy. This is one mystery cleared up.

Signed, Inspector McGadget

[Richey]

Suspect Report #6

Name: Zak Whitbread

Age: Young-ish

On loan from Liverpool. Has a lot to lose if he cannot convince Rowe he is worthy of a permanent move. His place in the team was currently being occupied by a young Belgian (deceased)

Doesn't like vegetarians. Has a vendetta against Chesnauskis for this reason. This is beginning to look like a feud which doesn't immediately concern the murders. This is a personal matter.

Is an American. This makes him 94% more likely to launch an attack without any warning. Is currently high on suspect list.

As mentioned before, was seen doing a wee in the flowerpot.

Carl Rook remembers his Brandy being yellow.

It is possible he was doing a wee in a hidden brandy glass.

Zak Whitbread is thus Chief Suspect

Signed, Inspector McGadget

[Richey]

Suspect Report #7

Name: Enzo Scorza

Age: 18

Wants to kill Freddy Guarin, which puts him on suspect list. There may have been some anger which was misplaced.

Claims not to know where Belgium is. Thinks Hanging Gardens of Babylon are somewhere near Brussels.

He seems more and more likely to be innocent.

Doesn’t like fish at all.

Claims that each night Freddy Guarin comes to his room in a Chicken Suit making ghost noises. Last night Freddy didn't.

Signed, Inspector McGadget

[Richey]

9.45pm

The Inspector ruffled through his suspect lists and sat down, facing the players in question.

His deputy whispered in his ear and handed him a typed report.

He read it silently and put it down when finished. He nervously swigged a pint of whisky and told the players the news.

The mouse found behind the curtains had died as a result of a massive heart attack brought on by an overdose of Calpol, the purple cough medicine for Children.

Zak Whitbread stepped up and said that yes, he had poisoned the mouse the night before. He was planning to put a drugged mouse in the food of Chesnauskis but decided against it.

The Inspector accused Whitbread of being capable of evil such as murder.

Whitbread began to cry.

Chesnauskis leapt up from the sofa and punched Whitbread on the nose.

The Inspector noted this loss of temper.

As the Inspector got up to leave the room to consider this further evidence a report marked ‘Top Secret’ was foisted into his hands.

He read it.

The Inspector smiled.

He knew that someone was definitely innocent.

But who?

[Richey]

9.50pm

He smiled enigmatically and paced the room. His eyes settled on Carl Rook, who had awoken.

He asked Carl how many fingers he was holding up.

Carl guessed correctly. Carl Rook was NOT drunk.

The Inspector explained the theory...

A small amount of mouse poop was found on the floor by Carl's foot, deposited there by a mouse.... the very mouse found dead behind the curtain, all scabby and grotesque looking.

It appeared that his phobia had gotten the better of him, and he had fainted, but not before the mouse left evidence of his passing by.

Carl was not poisoned by wee-wee in a brandy glass. The explanation was that scientific tests had proved it to be Lemon Juice. After all, why would a teetotaller be drinking?

Carl Rook was therefore innocent, a victim of a phobia.

It also proved one other thing. Zak Whitbread had NOT tinkled in Carl's brandy glass when he was caught urinating into a potted plant...

But he was doing something...

What something?

Hmmmmm

Scratchy chin time.

[Richey]

9.59pm

Gabriel Batistuta sat in a chair opposite the Inspector, who paced the room, puffing determinedly on a pipe. He put the pipe down, and a maintenance man re-attached it to the guttering.

The Inspector wanted to ask Gabriel Batistuta something based on some new evidence that had come to light.

The three Belgians had died from poison forcibly imposed on them by a dirty handkerchief, which presumably will have then been attached to a hand.

The Inspector was holding a bottle marked 'Poisson' that was found at the scene. After consulting his Junior Frenchman Dictionary 1966 he found that it was not a spelling error, but French for 'Fish'.

Based on the evidence, it was highly probable that Gabriel Batistuta, having eaten all his fish course including the bones had somehow concocted a poison.

How do you poison someone with some fish?

Well, you can if that fish is the deadly Japanese delicacy Fugu. If not prepared properly this fish could be lethal.

The Inspector now knew the cause of death, and his only lead was the fact Gabriel Batistuta had finished his fish course.

Gabriel Batistuta then told the Inspector that the reason it looked as if he had finished his fish course, was that he had eaten no fish in the first place.

Shock!

This was confirmed by the head chef, a Falklands veteran who elected not to serve Batistuta anything whatsoever.

He was a hungry man.

The Inspector dismissed him and demanded he be allowed to eat.

Batistuta had certainly not created the Fugu poison, but he kept his options open as to whether he, in cahoots with another player had actually done the deed. It was possible.

Plus he remembered Batistuta didn't actually like Belgians.

The Inspector was just about to have another go at the pipe when, as he leaned out of the window to rip it off the wall he noticed a medium sized fish hidden in the bushes badly, as if it had simply been dropped.

He knew who he wanted to question now.

[Jimbokav1971]

I've got it. The dirty Argie did it, with the fish, in the lounge !

[Richey]

10.19pm

The Spanish goalkeeper Pindado sat down in a leather chair in the corner of the room. The chair was green in colour and quite small.

It was a chair for a posh Wendy-House and Pindado felt uncomfortable.

The Inspector paced the room, waggling his finger as he spoke.

His theory was that Pindado had been experimenting with fish poison. He suspected him because as mentioned above, he was found with a nibbled tin of sardines, that had puncture marks in the tails.

It stood to reason that he had been warming up for his deadly Fugu poison experiment by practicing his technique on the sardines, extracting fish juice with a syringe, hence the puncture marks.

The Inspector smiled wryly.

This was it. He had his man.

At that instant, the door flew open and a small balding man in a lab coat burst in waving a test tube.

It turned out that the conveniently quick wee-wee sample revealed high levels of Polyrolyholygoaly, the performance enhancing steroid for goalkeepers, which prevented eccentricity.

The Inspector had his theory shattered into little pieces by this revelation.

Pindado reluctantly explained the situation.

A rubbish goalkeeper for much of his life, aside from a small period in 2004 when he made a decent save from a corner kick, Pindado had often been accused of being rubbish due to his eccentricity. He had eventually decided to remove this negative element from his game by taking the banned substance.

He mistakenly believed that injecting a sardine with the steroid would mask it from detection, if he were to eat the fish in question, much in the same way a kebab helps to mask the smell of alcohol (but then makes you smell like a kebab).

How wrong Pindado was.

The Inspector shook his head annoyedly. Pindado wasn't a suspect, just a sad strange little man who was caught up in this mess as a result of a huge personal error.

He wouldn't take any action. He'd leave that to the manager.

Who to question now?

So far he ruled out

Carl Rook

Gabriel Batistuta (unless otherwise proven)

Pindado

He also questioned any involvement by Zak Whitbread and Edgaras Chesnauskis, who seemed too wrapped up in a personal feud to worry about Belgians.

This left Freddy Guarin and Enzo Scorza.

He summoned them into the Library next door.

[Richey]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Jimbokav1971:

I've got it. The dirty Argie did it, with the fish, in the lounge ! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oh the tension is building. It's like Cluedo, but more random!

[Richey]

11.17pm

The Inspector stretched over and reached for his spectacles. When he found them, he put them on a shelf. He walked over to the shelf, leaned on it, before sitting back down in a comfortable chair.

Then he got up again, fetched his spectacles from the shelf and put them on.

The he sat down again, and peered at his two chief suspects.

Enzo Scorza and Guarin sat opposite him, sweatily clutching cups of tea.

He asked Scorza to relay his tale from start to finish...

[Richey]

10.21pm

Enzo's Account

"I didn't fancy eating the croutons, as I felt that they soaked up the soup too much. It's more of a moral point. In Uruguay we don't have croutons, and as I'm on £95 a week I'm not going to pretend to be above my station.

I don't like Freddy... I don't like Belgians. I don't actually like anyone. The lads will testify to that. I'm a teenager, and everyone is my enemy. I'd much rather be sitting inside painting my walls black than interacting with others, especially Batistuta. The guy thinks he's my dad. Get out of here... he's way too young.

Freddy annoys me. I did say I was gonna get him, but I wouldn't kill him, and if you think I tried to frame him, or even just take out my anger on Belgians you're mistaken. Just because i listen to Metal doesn't make me a violently inclined person.

He came to my hotel each night in a bloody chicken suit trying to keep me awake. He knows I'm scared of chickens, and he's a mean person.

Last night he didn't come. I don't know why that is and I'm not going to accuse him speculatively of murder. There's something going on.

There's no way you can prove I murdered those Belgians. You need to ask Freddy about those fish bones in his Ribena tumbler.

I'm clean Inspector... It's true."

[Richey]

10.44pm

Freddy's Account

"I only said I noticed he hadn't eaten his croutons because I don't like the guy. I didn't know that it was going to be something thrown back at me. I'm not a murderer or anything like that.

I don't know why my brandy disappeared and a tumbler of ribena appeared there instead...

At this point the Inspector told him they found fish bones in the tumbler, which made him a chief suspect.

...god no, really? honestly why would I have done something like that.

I have no idea why then, this happened. It seems totally bizarro to me.

With regards to my chicken suit, and Pindado is right to say it is mine. I left it in his room so that Enzo would think it was him playing practical jokes. Nothing more malicious than that.

I didn't bother going to his room last night to spook him. It's kind of embarrassing really. Do I have to talk about that?... Well... I was playing Scrabble with Batistuta. I was going to spook Enzo but I kept hitting the triple word scores. It was awesome. We didn't play in English though, so we played in our native languages. Did you know XXXQXXQQXXQQXX is Colombian for hello?

You think I was brewing up the fish poison don't you? Well I have an alibi. It's watertight. Some of the other players saw me too... I'm not a nerd.

I guess i'm not realy being questioned for being a nerd am I.

All I can say is it wasn't me. I didn't touch the Belgians. I have no real motive to do so."

[Richey]

11.48pm

The Inspector sat down. He stood up again and sat down. This time his deputy occupied the chair.

He decided this was an inappropriate juncture to play musical chairs, and reprimanded his deputy for making such a suggestion.

He had dwelled on the case for an hour. He was sure who was the guilty party.

He knew the motive, which was to frame the other person for murder. The Belgians just happened to be a convenient target. It wasn't a crime against them, so to speak. They were the fallout of a war involving somebody else.

He knew the weapon. Poison. Simple as that.

He also knew that both suspects had told lies, but one of them had really put his foot in it. It was now obvious.

[Richey]

12.01am

The Inspector smiled as the murderer sat before him. He outlined why he thought he was guilty.

Enzo Scorza looked distraught. He had been caught by a sharp, intelligent man, much to his bewilderment. Freddy was sure to take the rap!

The Inspector recognised that Enzo had borne the brunt of some serious teasing by Guarin, but said nothing warranted murder.

Enzo was alarmed to know that he made one crucial error. He told the Inspector he knew about the fish bones in the Ribena tumbler.

As the Inspector had purposefully not told anyone bar his detectives about the bones, this proved to be the unravelling of Enzo.

Enzo broke down and confessed.

He had left the croutons for sinister reasons. He then went to the kitchens to protest about receiving them and saw the fish Batistuta wasn't served. Recognising it as Fugu, he secreted it away, and hid it in a tumbler of Ribena, where the poison secreted out into the liquid. He then replaced it on the sideboard in exchange for Guarin's brandy, intending to kill him directly, but on his way back the lights went out.

Tripping over the three comatose Belgians, the Fugu poison entered their systems in minute but powerful amounts, obviously through their mouths. He didn't really know how.

They were unexpected collateral. This was a murder gone seriously wrong.

Enzo was distraught at being rumbled. He felt as if he would be found innocent.

The Inspector was also baffled. The Ribena had never actually been tested, as the fish bones had drawn more interested. This was his fault. He could have had this wrapped up hours ago.

With all the evidence before him and a taped confession, the Inspector cuffed Enzo Scorza and led him away through the house. The other players looked surprised as anything, no more so that Guarin, vindicated but soon to be shocked at how close he came to death.

The manager of the team sent everyone to their rooms. He also sent a member of the hotel staff out to remove Elton John from a nearby bush, where he had been slinking.

[Richey]

Epilogue

Richard Rowe cancelled the friendly against Beveren in the aftermath of the murder and subsequent investigation.

Guarin was treated for shock, and was soon transferred away from the club. Batistuta retired soon after in shame at playing Scrabble. Pindado left for Mechelen immediately afterwards. All other players accused are still at the club.

Enzo Scorza is now star forward at Belmarsh Prison F.C. He has 26 years with no parole.

His lawyer claims he attempted to murder Guarin as a result of constant teasing, and deserves a second chance.

Strangeways Prison are currently weighing up a lucrative transfer bid, with wages speculated to be in the region of 4 chocolate digestive biscuits per week.

The Inspector, in his finest hour was roundly criticised for not analysing the Ribena. He now only drinks Sainsbury's home brand.

2 years later MK Dons reached the Championship and looked to have resolved all difficulties.

~Fin~

[(Formy)]

What a brilliant story, well done mate

[Gricehead]

Well done, great story.

[Richey]

Glad you enjoyed it guys. I'm wondering if this is the only story here which doesn't actually have any actual football in it!

[WLKRAS]

Great story

[Vinsanity666]

Great story!

But tell me: Why Belgians ?

[Richey]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Vinsanity666:

Great story!

But tell me: Why Belgians ? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well, I don't know really. I guess Belgian chocolate really upsets me...

[Terk]

An enjoyable story, no doubt, but I have to be a killjoy and wonder about its FMS suitability. This forum is, after all, supposed to house stories which revolve around SI made football management games. I have to question wheter one which contains no football whatsoever, even a short(ish) story, falls foul of forum guidelines.

Having said that, I still enjoyed it; maybe I'm just being grumpy.

[Brian of Nazareth]

I thought there was some football commentary at the beginning? Bit tenuous but surely a links a link eh? We've had boards elsewhere for other offtopic stories I think but then they never get the same coverage or audience as they do here.